There was passion.
There was heartache.
There was drive, character, and….wait.
Wait just a minute, are we talking about Florida right now?
Because Zoe and I have been there. We have seen it with our eyes. The most majestic thing we saw there was the shelled out car in the parking lot of the only crack den that would accept peanuts to let us stay there:
This is the Florida we know and thus abstain from.
But sometimes even shitstorms like Florida have a momentary break in the weather, and tonight the forecast made you feel like getting drunk on your patio. If only it weren’t covered in that standard 4 inches of Pittsburgh ice, which, like Pittsburgh sports teams, JUST WON’T QUIT.
Also, it was 80 degrees there.
That is what you call injustice.
Anyway, if anyone ever doubted that a rose could grow through the cracks in the pavement of despair, those haters can see themselves to the exit. Something was alive tonight in Florida that wasn’t assisted by life support.
MOMENT THAT WOULD FEEL GREAT IF IT DIDN’T SEEM LIKE IT WAS A MAKE A WISH SORT OF THING
Undeniably, we get misty eyed when grown men get sentimental.
That’s why we cry so much at hockey – it’s a pretty gay sport. In the best of ways.
So when we heard that the team had banned together to wear homemade “C”s on their jerseys during the gameday skate in some sort of display of solidarity for their fallen leader, we had to duck out of work for just a moment to check that our eyeliner wasn’t running.
While this is wonderful and we love that our team stands by their man, it’s still a little disheartening that we are treating him like a cancer patient. But it’s always nice to see the man skate.
Don’t get us wrong. We here at PH know that Sid will get better.
No one likes to talk about it these days, but this is our official stance:
If Sidney Crosby was told that he had no shot at getting better, that he would die if he played hockey again, we believe that he would fake diminishing symptoms, put on his skates, and play hockey until he died on the ice.
Because he’s still trying to recover, there’s hope.
Get worried when he has a suspiciously sudden return.
If you ever feel like wallowing, just for a second, we understand the impulse.
Watch old Sid commercials.
Most of all, this one, which was tragic to begin with, but now takes on a whole new level of horrible depressing angst. When times get rough, take five minutes to feel sorry for yourself.
And then remember that you are a Pittsburgh Penguins fan and that you are probably making us lose with your negative attitude.
Get your mind right.
THE WAR OF NORTHERN AGGRESSION AWARD
Before things get too filled with love and affection, Asham wants to remind our brethren in the south that under no circumstances may you spell your name “Krystopher” unless – and this is really contingent on his mood – it is fashion week and you have just made a splash with your pastel collection of faux fur bikinis.
MOST ACTION IN THE FIRST PERIOD
Clemmensen’s posts are gettin’ slammed more than your mom on coupon circulars day.
Between Neal and Kunitz (a place no PH staff member would turn down) those posts made Clemmensen look irrelevant – making him wonder what life would be like if only he were born of aluminum and steel.
MOST RELIEF FELT BY THE PENS SINCE THE WEDNESDAY AFTER TACO TUESDAY
Steve Sullivan, uncle to the same Ann Sullivan who taught Helen Keller to communicate (feel free to fact check us there, but don’t be surprised when we’re out of town when the results come in), takes a pass from Cookie and guides it into the wide open space in front of him.
Teach them to believe in their own abilities, Steve.
It runs in the family.
MOST DESIRED COOKIE
We tend not to get political here on PH, because mostly we root for no one in the realm of politics. When we realize that the free world is being controlled by a bunch of old men who are so out of touch with the world that WE live in that they probably would say shit like “Poke-e-man” to our friends if we were still in the fifth grade, we just kind of laugh.
We basically can’t trouble ourselves with it.
HOWEVER sometimes something comes out of this hailstorm of dildoes that is truly hilarious, such as this amazing quote from Newt Gingrich. It makes no sense that a grown man said these things unless he was Evgeni Malkin, so we’re just going to go ahead and steal these words from Newt and make them come out of the mouth of someone less evil and more adorable.
Geno finds his cookie.
(Press failed tonight, ignore event attachment to photos.)
The Pens are up 2-1 and it finally feels like the universe is righting itself.
You actually can fact check us on all details for this one.
Even we can’t make this shit up.
MOST HOPEFUL JAIL-WRITERS
Let’s be clear: Girls who love Brooks Orpik are the types of girls who end up writing love letters to the criminally insane in federal prison. Including ourselves.
So any time he so much as breathes upon the puck within viewing distance of the goal, we all start squirming in our chairs.
Alas, he almost always does his job and passes to someone with actual scoring ability, which makes us love him even more.
He passes it to TK in this particular situation, and TK proceeds to walk it to the doorstep and kiss it goodnight.
TK not pictured because he was off having a chat with the puck’s father.
(Is it just me or does this photo look like claymation? Press, this would be the newest and most interesting way of compensating for your total lack of coverage in most games. Then again, maybe it is getting too late.)
We’re going to give the Panthers goal the exact amount of attention it deserves and move right along to the goal that James Neal scored when he could have bitched out and passed to Malks. Not that passing to Malks is a bad move, per say, but we’re glad Mr. Neal knew that he could do it. Because he did.
PENS WIN 4-1
So here is where we normally do Alt Stars and an individual award, but it is late, and I, MUCH LIKE SIDNEY CROSBY, have recently obtained a concussion. I did it only to show solidarity. Also I just tried to categorize this post as October 2010 for reasons I cannot explain. So let’s all just hit the hay and thank the stars above that we pulled out of this one with a good win, and hope that no one caught one of those Florida diseases that we hear so much about.