pittsburgh penguins versus the winnipeg jets: ruminations

The Winnipeg Jets will eternally remind us of the early-mid 1990’s when everything was topsy turvy and strange in the world.
We still stand by the fact that the current Winnipeg Jets are a strange trick being played on us by the space-time continuum.
Perhaps we can break this curse by comparing all 12 goals scored in this game to outfits from the wonderful corner of the Internet that is FUCK YEAH UGLY 90’S CLOTHES.

The first Penguins goal dawned with confidence and brashness, like Drew Barrymore in a leopard print bra. I mean, no one expected Tyler Kennedy to finally make good on one of those sweet setups from Sidney Crosby.


Yeaaaah gurrrrllllllll.

Immediately, Jim Slater and Bryan Little comes back and score some goals, putting the Penguins down, and at least a tiny bit stunned. Not that they showed it in their play at that moment, but run-and-gun and sloppy defense was the name of the game. Little’s was on the power play, a 4-minute high stick on Evgeni Malkin that actually was kind of an accident. But no one cared.


This was our soul at that moment. Just really ugly stuff.

But the Pens got a PP after Toby Enstrom did something stupid. Letang passed to Sid who made some insane god-tier pass to Malkin who sent it across for James Neal. James would soon be the Pretty Party story of the night. Unbelievable existence.

BARBIE JEANS WEEKEND
for those following along at home, that makes it 2-2.


Vey early in the second, Malkin’s line goes out for a standard, in your face type shift. No one knows what is happening. It was a bold move, but someone had to do it.

And oh my, that hair. We’ll see you later, James Neal’s Hair.

Bryan Little showed up at the party again. The one he was very directly not invited to.

In an odd turn of events however, Tyler Kennedy was invited, and brought all of the honeys with him and Sid. Is this bizarro world or what?


dat ass.


And then there was Malkin.

At this point, Ondrej Pavelec had a fucking meltdown and had to leave? We’re not really sure what happened there. We feel bad. The Thrashers used to have Pavelec, Kari Lehtonen, and Johan fucking Hedberg which made them, on looks alone, perhaps the most fuckable goaltending trio of all time. We still sympathize with Ondrej as well because we think he is probably a cool guy in a bad situation. We have many happy memories tied to the Thrashers franchise, usually to do with fantasizing about Johan and beating them to death.
We feel this picture best represents Ondrej:

Stapleton scored. We didn’t want it, but it happened.

Paul Martin lost his man like 2 times in this game at least. Man.


James Neal rolled up though and told us not to worry. He accepted the pass and put it behind Chris Mason. Who we barely remember is alive. Poor fellow.
James Neal would like to welcome you to his heaven, which is also our heaven, but might be your hell. Second career hat trick. First with the Penguins. The homecoming is sweet.


Some ladies might like vintage Gosling? We really do prefer James. We have to admit.

Best Day Ever.

Malkin then scored some completely unrealistic goal that to the Jets/Thrashers must have been just an epic punch in the balls. I mean. How did he even aim that for the net?
Sometimes people score goals from way behind the net that are just like “umm, physics just quit on the universe, we don’t even know.” Then there are some where you think it might have been intentional. And the bottom falls out of your worldview.

But in a good way.

Dupuis had a snipejob too, for good measure. If you’re going to allow four you might as well score at least twice as many for insurance.

Here is Alyssa Milano in a strange hat.
We’ve got nothing else. Just sloppy bullshit compounded with total offensive domination.

It’s an interesting point that the Jets power play is amazing at home and dead last on the road. Could they be a case study for how much the “extra man” of the crowd can affect the outcome of the game?

PRETTY PARTY



God we are so spoiled.
Hope you enjoyed the post as it comes from the innermost depths of our souls.

GO PENS.

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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