protip: claude giroux is confused about what truth is

Oh Jesus fucking Christ, yinz guys.
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Claude Giroux: linking us up with biddies since 2012.
Check out this bullshit.

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Oh all right let’s just go ahead and condescend the entire female community.
“Ladies” please.
Yeah we love hockey.  We love sports and the sporting community and we love people who are a part of it (generally).  But people with divergent interests don’t deserve to be treated like bitches who live under a rock and were also born yesterday.  Or lured in with some pic of Henrik Lundqvist like LOOK. . .WE HAVE HOT MEN.  You know what else has hot men?  The world of art and literature.  Rock music.  THE WORLD HAS HOT MEN.  GET USED TO IT.  And Henrik is also the Lowest Common Denominator of hockey attractiveness.  If he looks like GQ and not like a crazed Swede (which we know him to be) you are posturing and being shallow.  Point out talent before you point out his fucking face.  We know we walk a fine line of objectification, but ATHLETES ARE FUCKING PEOPLE and female sportsfans are generally observant of this.  Despite popular belief we are not giggling 14-year-old girls who judge people based on appearances.
And if you’re in a relationship in which you feel like you are “losing” your partner to an interest it’s probably time to reconsider whether or not you are compatible.
OH MY GOD HE IS AT THE BAR WATCHING THE GAME THAT IS JUST SO FRUSTRATING.
We understand that Catherine Kitts here is trying to get the otherwise-uninterested ladies to jump on board with their male-friends’ hockey interests but she is also being a huge condescending bitch about it and sucking the patriarchy’s dick.
For example:
- some people are not in heterosexual relationships

– why does Ms. Kitts assume that only male-female relationships display this dynamic? For example, I have a small group of female friends that I work with. Of the five of us, two of us are huge hockey fans who will be the ones insisting that we put the game on TV. Our other, female friends put up with this.

- why does she also assume that in any male-female relationship the man is guaranteed to be the more interested sportsfan? Among PH Staff, all of whom are in long-term heterosexual relationships, this is generally untrue, with the female in the relationship being either an equal or much bigger hockey fan.

- in short way to fucking stereotype; there aren’t “rules” as to who is interested in something or why or how or whether they have a penis or a vagina.

- also a woman who is getting super pissed at her boyfriend for neglecting her because of a sport–this is a relationship that probably has additional problems and power structures at work. Boiling it down to “oh he likes sports and I don’t I just don’t understand why he can’t pay more attention to my interests and therefore I will pay more attention to his and get involved lol” for comedic effect isn’t actually comedic; it shows a male partner who is just tooooo into the NHL playoffs to be an attentive boyfriend and his girlfriend is pissed about it so instead of like, actually pointing to a problem in the relationship and fixing it, WE WILL GET THE LADY. INTO THE NHL. BY WAY OF HENRIK LUNDQVIST’S FACE. PROBLEM SOLVED AMIRITE.

This is a mad embarrassing tactic and the relationship between the male and the female in this hypothetical situation probably still sucks balls and is not healthy.
This is not comedy. This is not cute.

Let’s break down the rest of this debacle line-by-line.

If you have a boyfriend, love his team.
Or how about be supportive of his interests but like whatever the hell you want?
My boyfriend doesn’t HAVE a team, what am I supposed to do then?
Play all the video games he plays and give up my interest in the NHL playoffs, perhaps?
lol no. We will separately maintain interests in the things we love because that is cool!

If you don’t, pick a team. A good team (do some research). Don’t pick a team because you like their jerseys or because you like Mike Fisher. We all get it, he’s hot and great.
Well, Mike Fisher isn’t hot. But w/e we get the point.
But I mean don’t feel like you’re being forced into picking a team. Like what you like. Hockey is cool and we will espouse its greatness for days on end if asked to do so but like. Seriously. Shut up. LIKE WHAT YOU LIKE, PEOPLE. And if you are drawn to a team because you think the jersey is cool or some dude is cute or they just happen to play in your hometown and end up just REALLY HAVING FUN AT THE FUCKING HOCKEY GAME, good for you.
But be sure you are having fun at the hockey game. If you’re not having fun, you should probably go and do something that you do think is fun.
What constitutes a “good team” anyway?
Are all the Toronto fans who suffer for their team because they grew up with it shitty human beings?
Repeat: like what you like. It’s not the responsibility of a female to have to justify every goddamn thing she does because of some bizarre sports misogyny.

Once you have a team, know when they play. ie “Hey Rick, we watching the Flyers game tonight?” He will be so impressed that he may fall in love on the spot, or at least cook you a nice meal sometime.
BECAUSE THE ONLY WAY TO IMPRESS A MALE HOCKEY FAN IS TO KNOW WHEN HIS TEAM IS PLAYING.
HE IS A ONE-DIMENSIONAL INDIVIDUAL AND THE ONLY REASON HE WILL EVER LIKE YOU IS IF YOU KNOW HIS TEAM’S SCHEDULE.
YOU SHOULD FAKE INTEREST IN A SUBJECT YOU HAVE NO INTEREST IN. SOLELY FOR DICK.

Once you pick a team learn a few players’ names so you can try and contribute to the “hockey talk”. Random facts are key. ie ”You boys know why they sing God Bless America rather than the national anthem in Philadelphia? Because its been a tradition since the 70s in the playoffs” Jaws will drop.
HAHAHAHAHHA OH WE ARE JUST HAVING A LITTLE “HOCKEY TALK” OVER HERE.
BRING YOUR CRIB NOTES BECAUSE IT’S GOING TO GET INTEEEEENNNNNSE.
You need to know these things to impress people, after all. Impressing people and particularly people with penises. People with penises who like sports. They have no other interests and they will think less of you for not knowing these details.
Fake it til you make it. Your vagina is getting in the way and ruining everything.
But Catherine Kitts has a superior vagina; you better listen to her wisdom.

If someone says “Don’t you know who so and so is?” Say yes. Even if you have no idea.
BECAUSE YOU HAVE A VAGINA YOU HAVE TO LIE ABOUT THINGS YOU KNOW TO OBTAIN RESPECT.
Get this one tattooed on your wrists in case you forget.

Once your team is out, pick another team. But anytime you don’t know an answer you can now just use the excuse “Yeah sorry I only follow the…..” Scapegoat.
Wait, isn’t this contradictory?
Wasn’t I supposed to lie?
Well, now I’m just going to make up asshole excuses for not knowing things. Instead of just admitting, “oh no hey I didn’t know that! That’s interesting. I’m kinda new to all this. But I really love Team X. They’re just really fun. I like going to games. But Team Y is cool too, I’m rooting for them in X Conference!”
Being honest is fucking overrated.
We will inhabit the castle of lies. Much more interesting.

Nothing is better than a girl who has her favourite team’s attire…. Especially old school. Shows you’ve been a long-time fan. Even if you haven’t.
CASTLE OF LIES IS ON LINE 2.
RING RING
Fuck you.

On game day pizza and beer always makes a great meal suggestion. Always.
I mean that’s just life.
But apparently you have to be an imaginary hockey fan to understand this.

Never ever say you think a player on the opposing team is cute, because a) I dont *!@#ing care if you think he’s cute and b) he plays for the enemy. Actually, no complimenting anyone wearing the opposing team’s colours at all. Even if it fits them well, or brings out their eyes. Keep those comments to yourself.
Whoa, calm down girl.
If you’re in a rage because of someone’s face or a color we recommend drinking more. Or less. :/
The game happens on the ice. Right? Or am I wrong?

Don’t question any superstitions we may have about the game. ie. Specific seat, or meal / beer, can’t wash our jerseys, need a type of chew. Everything is done for a reason, one we don’t have to explain. It’s playoffs.
“need a type of chew”
lol okay
I mean yeah superstitions for fans are fun. But at the end of the day we’re still pretty sure that the game is played on the ice. Could be wrong but just throwing that out there. But the likelihood of us being correct and having legitimate interests is extremely decreased due to our vaginas.

I don’t care if you don’t like my beard. It’s tradition. Say you like it.
This sounds rape-y. Calm down there, Catherine, seriously.  Do you need a breather?

If we’re watching at home don’t ask to flip during commercials. We’re likely flipping between 3 games. Or more.
People who flip during commercials are, on principle, annoying, whether you’re watching the NHL or not. But we’ll chalk this up to “welp.”

If we’re not watching together, an intermission is a great time to text. Even a TV time out is ok. Do not text me when we’re on the penalty kill and down 3-2. Or in overtime. Or anytime at all during the game.
Because texting is a super obtrusive thing to do in any situation. Even if you really need something. If you had a bad day and want to talk later. If your car is broken down and you need a ride. If your mother is dead. Better yet. . .as a shitty boyfriend if you text me during the game I am going to throw my phone against the wall in protest. Taking my lead from Claude Giroux of course.

Never use the term “well they tried hard” I mean I damn well hope they tried hard, they’re professional hockey players and this is the PLAYOFFS.
Dipping out of sarcasm mode for a hot second:
This comment clearly comes from someone who doesn’t know the first thing about work ethic or the NHL playoffs.
Work your ass off sometimes and you still lose. It happens. Good teams lose with their dignity intact. It happens. If you can’t stick with your team through that, you’re a bad fan.

Don’t ask me if I really need another beer because I really don’t but I’m stressed out and it makes me feel better.
This sentence doesn’t even make sense.

Don’t tell a guy “he’s too drunk”. There is a method to his madness. If his team is winning, he’s drinking to celebrate. If it’s a tight game he’s drinking because he’s nervous. If they are getting killed, he’s drinking to forget. Best way to handle it is get as drunk as he is, and try and feel the same way.
No. This is patently untrue and also dangerous. Sometimes people can get too drunk. And sometimes they really get hurt.
“get as drunk as he is and try to feel the same way” might be the worst relationship advice of all time. This probably leads to alcoholism and codependency. Not that we’re experts or anything.

Accept the fact that I will use horrible, horrible language at home, at the game, at the bar, in the car, and in front of children if something goes wrong in the game I am watching.
Only men in relationships ever swear about anything.
Keep your demure character intact, ladies.

If it goes into overtime, we’re watching it. Yes, sometimes it takes forever and yes that means you might not be able to watch Grey’s Anatomy. We’re watching it.
Oh man this is inexcusable.
We as women missed the memo that we are expected to care about Grey’s Anatomy and be huge control freaks about the television.
. . .Does this mean we’re not actually females?
We’d appreciate an update from Ms. Kitts on this matter post-haste.

If they don’t win, don’t talk about it unless your complaining about the refs.
Or you know be honest about why your team lost and don’t blame it on officiating.
Apparently this is a guide to being the worst fan of all time.

Don’t you dare celebrate if my team gets bumped out of the playoffs because that means we can start hanging out again. I’ll break up with you. I mean it.
. . .my brain is broken. I quit. This sounds like the worst relationship ever. “start hanging out again”? when did we stop hanging out? OH WAIT I FORGOT WE HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON BECAUSE YOU ARE A MAN AND THEREFORE LIKE SPORTS AND KNOW LOTS ABOUT IT BUT I’M A GIRL SO I ONLY HAVE BIDDY INTERESTS LIKE GREY’S ANATOMY. REMIND ME WHY WE ARE DATING AGAIN?

And most importantly, DON’T ASK QUESTIONS. Like if I’m yelling “That’s *$!#ing offside, didn’t you see that?” you may not know what offside is, but you agree. “Totally offside.” Questions are for the internet.
. . .
oh wait castle of lies right right. PH Staff encourages you to ask questions at all points in your life.
Anyone who hates you for asking questions is a shitty friend who should be destroyed.

So there you have it ladies. You should now be well equipped to score some serious girlfriend points over the next few weeks. My best advice? Get. On. Board. Sure you might not take an interest in men batting around a puck, bloody fights and rules you don’t understand most of the year … but the best thing about playoffs is it’s an excuse to party … every night. And what could be better than that?
So the moral of the story is to pretend you’re interested in something so you can mask your drinking problem.
REALLY GREAT ADVICE AND SUPER FUNNY ARTICLE LOL

Excuse us while we vomit all over ourselves.

We’re still waiting for confirmation on the murmurings we’ve been hearing from the underground news sources that the game takes place on the ice and that the fans of the game are interested in it because they think it’s fun.
If anyone can confirm or deny this controversial rumor, email us straightaway.
We are confused and need to know the answers.

Claude Giroux is an idiot if he thinks this is good advice for any human being.
And it appears that he and Ms. Kitts hate women.  It’s uncanny, really.
suck it.
go pens. 

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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