The Habs are like this terrible thorn in your side that never ever goes away. And then, of course, the thorned area gets infected. And then gangrenous. And they bring Carey Price with them, too.
He's so SAD. Not starting is a serious burn. He's gonna have to talk to mad jagerbombs to sort out this emotional tiff, you guys.
Also, lols to Root for having the balls to go with "The Price is Wrong." You know at least one guy was saying "Should we? Nahhhh. Too overdone. Too Corny. Right? Should we?" Showing restraint is a sign of weakness, Root. Haters to the left.
Whatever, Carey. We're sure we'll see you real soon, you son of a bitch.
Okay, awards time, let's go.
CLOSEST TO THE SUN
The first opens up with some good up and down hockey. Really smooth – we look remarkable, considering. Actually, strike that. We don't look good in spite of anything, we just look good.
Mattie, who is hilarious when presented with the Habs, is already being a riot. He takes exception to something, of course. What the thing was isn't so important, he was just kind of waiting for a reason, much like how most bar fights are started. Mattie's out there ranting and raving, burning the candle at both ends. The man is not afraid of anyone. He, of course, ends up in the penalty box.
You'd think this was heading Mattie's way, but nope. Just before the 4-4 winds down and our PP comes up, Suttsy lands one in the net like like it's nbd.
Laughing in the face of enemies is the #1 way Brandon Sutters take their victory, what about you?
MOST EXCELLENT DIVERSION
Dupes on the ice looks to the Habs like what an inflatable clown must look like to chainsaw-wielding maniacs.
Am I too old to be alive?
Dupes, being a Man in Charge knows this, of course. So he waits until he's covered, drops the puck back for Morrow, who picks it up in the slot and puts it in the net.
It's sort of gorgeous.
FEWEST SHITS GIVEN
We look like this amazing machine. We're like a car that woke up one morning without tires and was like FUCK IT LET'S GO.
It's sort of terrifying that if you squint and don't think about it too much, this could be our healthy team.
We're just going with it.
Nisky draws a penalty towards the end of the second and Iggy capitalizes.
1 out over every 1 Jarome Iginlas agree that a smug smirk adds the greatest amount of insult to injury.
We go into the second gloating.
LEAST AVOIDABLE BAD KARMA
Okay, come on, when you found out that Carey P is here like some backup prom date, you start to laugh.
Because it's impossible not to.
We know it's terrible luck to do this, but really, that's like saying it's terrible luck to breathe. As the ocean crashes to shore, so do we mercilessly mock Carey Price.
WHIFF MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED
BoBo – son, friend, lover, prodigy – sets up a good play for Morrow to get in on. They take it to the net and it gets a little dicey there for a second, but Morrow sort-of fans on the puck, which proceeds to just sneak in under CareCare's stick.
GOLD METAL OF PERSEVERANCE
Brian Gionta tries to make us care about him by scoring, but fails.
We're way too haughty for that at this point.
More importantly, soon after Morrow works so hard that it makes us weep, and Suttsy just gets into position and waits and waits and keeps that stick on the ice and makes space for himself and is just so wonderful we want to scream. It all pays off, of course, and Suttsy gets it in when it looks like there's no real chance, netting his second of the game.
And in order to lump two Habs goals into one award for the Penguins, I'll mention now that for some reason the Habs scored again before the end of the period. But whatever, we get a major penalty out of the second when Gallagher tries to force feed Mattie his stick. We head into the third with most of it left (and Mattie's face only a tiny bit bashed up.)
MOST INFURIATING SQUANDERING
Habs kill it, and then score.
Media pretends it doesn't happen.
So do we.
Somewhere, a Has fan whispers "third period team?" and a tiny part of each and every one of us dies. Never give them hope.
MOST IMPRESSIVE THEFT OF HOPE
If you really want to stomp someone's feelings, you can give them a heads up that you haven't scored since December 9th, 2010, and then skate on by to do this:
You go, Douggy.
LEAST CORDIAL CHITCHAT
Morrow – who by the way also wins "blogger's pet" because players like him are basically the bread and butter of hockey bloggers – beats the shit out of Subban to the point that Steiggy gets concerned for his well being. That's a Gordie Howe hat trick for him tonight, by the by. The two of them head off to the box and proceed to shout at one another.
Best part? Morrow points to the clock and tells Subban that when they get out, he wants to go again. Subban tries to act cool and fails.
We'd be shitting our pants right about now, too.
Honest to his word, he keeps trying after the get out. Never gets his chance to show Subban what's what.
A few crazy post shots and an unfortunate late Habs goal later, stick a fork in it.
ALT THREE STARS
Dupes – For being the perfect man/player/person.
Kunitz – Basically for the same.
Iggy – As good for us as we'd hoped.
Maybe not the greatest finish with the late goal. but overall, we looked pretty good. Some patchwork to be done here and there, but the fact that we can ever have those weirdly smooth, impressively sharp periods of hockey without our "top players"?
We'll take it.
On a more serious note:
We here at PH would like to share our support for Boston and the running community. Along with Zoe being a current Bostonian, we understand fiercely loving a place (and a niche sporting group, for that matter) and our hearts break for those who faced an attack so senseless.
Keep strong and only let yourselves become more fiercely loyal.
Team Lemieux runners, we're looking forward to watching you kick ass real soon.
And, of course,