the ASG portraits and what they mean to you

We really have to give it to the NHL this year, btw.
In making up for that completely surreal and tragic opening ceremony experience, they have turned out some of the least shitty and bizarre All-Star Game portraits yet.
They’ve eliminated weird lighting techniques and have put the players in their jerseys to ensure that any fashion faux pas are mostly ignored.
But they’re also kind of boring.


Joffrey Lupul: Man on a Wire. Does he look scared or is it just us?

This is classy. This says, “Hello, is it you I’m looking for?”


HELLO MY NAME IS PAVEL
That’s really all this says to us.
Maybe LOL as well.


Too tall for School, yo.
Subtly placed Penguins logo.
We also got a good view of Gene’s stems from the Penguins thanks to this shot. Do they all wear ballshortz to the portraits? We may never know.


Hossa went for the hat.
We think this choice is a little tacky.


Corey Perry says: hey check out my white stick tape while I hold my knob.
maybe.


Okay come on his face is out of focus.
He looks like he just got back from a Cheeto marathon with Rick Nash or something.
ALSO: guess what the variation is on this pose? You guessed it: Kessel with his stick behind his back.
We are starting to get the impression that they wanted them to be “in and out” without much fanfare.
Not very All-Star.


ugh wtf he kind of looks normal
Also is it just some shitty compression that is making everyone look noisy/pixelated? Getty. . .


Looks genuinely happy to be there. No critiques.


Fun fact: if you asked us to envision Marian Gaborik before today, we would have no idea what to put in our minds.
Now we do. We know the face behind the shot. Really nothing remarkable here. Except you might forget him 10 seconds later which is a little creepy. He could be a replicant.


Jordan Eberle has a perpetual case of bedroom eyes, apparently. Or, “dude I had too many bonghits last night” eyes.

PRESSING QUESTION: why is Tyler Seguin sanding his stick on an artistic black background? Looks like an interlude in an episode of Reading Rainbow or something.


Also, fun fact, every time a picture of Tyler Seguin is taken, a child in another, parallel dimension loses a balloon to the sky.



OMG JAMIE BENN’S HAIR SITUATION
WHAT IS IT
DID MATT NISKANEN CATCH IT FROM HIM IN DALLAS?



Also obviously way too tall for School.
Not a bad picture. No idea what to say.


Timonen looks like a shop teacher that left your middle school under shady circumstances in this picture. Also: what on earth is with his pinky.


It’s like Ryan Suter had no idea where he was.
Are ASG players screened at the door to make sure no one has dosed them? Or does the NHL dose them? Mysteries.


LOL WE’VE ALL SEEN YOUR BALLS


Intense variation on any of the other portraits we’ve seen so far.
Thinly masking an underworld of insanity as always, Mr. Phaneuf. He knew he was going to get booed so much. Probably why he took that penalty shot hooking thing. TAKE THAT ALL-STAR GAME, TAKE THAT OTTAWA!


Banner image for any hypothetical “HEY GIRL, I’M DENNIS WIDEMAN” Tumblr. Could such a thing ever exist?

Did they really make the goalies wear their padding for these?

No, they let Price look all normal. Guess it was because Timmy was starting:



OH WELL THAT’S A NICE NORMAL PICTURE OF JIMMY HOWARD BUT WAIT WHAT IS THIS

NODFLKJDLSGHUOEIFJKDMFBLFDDL BLFDHFDJF>D NOOOOOOOOO
Inexcusable.


Now, we move onward into the Land of Swedes.


fjdkl fdkls burns a little


Solemn and classy.


Similar image: a housewife opening her door in 1979 to a man trying to push the Book of Mormon.
Last known photo.
Thanks Brother Steven.


Looks a bit confused at the “playful stick angle.” Like, Sedin-Bot never holds its stick like this.


How do you tell them apart? Henrik definitely has more bitchface.


TOO MUCH TERRIFYING SYMMETRY OTHERWISE


Oh Milan. You may not be as adorable as your brother but at least you aren’t horrifying.


THEEERE’S THE MONEY SHOT, babe. just act natural. Asking him to smile clearly wasn’t working out. He just can’t force it:




Tavares really just looks perpetually like he should have had a minor role in The Room.

Also wtf is this shit seriously.


I PLAY WITH GIROUX NOW SO HERE I AM GUYZ


“I’m here too, but no one cares.”


Staring into the abyss.


Cover of a self-help book about how to deal with Swedishness effectively.

Kris is trying out his “Caleb from Pretty Little Liars” look:


We think it’s working for him.
Still like Normal Kris best:


But we’ll let the “individuals who are attracted to Kris Letang” contingent weigh in on this.




AMBIGUOUSLY UPSET SHEA WEBER IS AMBIGUOUSLY UPSET



Dan Girardi is for some reason giving off an aura of class in this photo. He def has wine with dinner.


Direction on the hand by the photographer: “Pretend like you are holding an irregularly shaped apple, Keith. AND YOU’RE HANGING ONTO IT FOR DEAR LIFE.”


Alexander Edler could be the poster boy of any cold-weather sport. He looks like a ski bum. He is just so blonde. We can’t deal with it.


Probably the most Swedish-Insane that Henrik has ever looked as opposed to GQ. We like it.


JQuick looks like his mom forgot to pick him up after pickup soccer in 9th grade. Just some indescribable sadness.


Brian Elliott is another anonymous face. We never really pictured him until now. We always imagined him as a lump of blood, sweat, and tears, coagulated into a uniform. Mostly tears.

We don’t think anyone took pics of the rookies. At least Getty doesn’t have them tagged properly. Why were they even there again?

ANYWAY SO
NHL needs some fresh creative in their marketing.
This shit didn’t get weirder. Just more subtly weird.

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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