If you were like me, this game was a hot date at work with Hot Fudge Sundae Pop Tarts and some Schweppes.
But, if you were like the Penguins, it was an all-inclusive date to the fucking Olive Garden. Or Dorsia. Or at Paula Deen’s restaurant in Savannah.
Basically, it was love. Because we’re playing hockey again, folks. We’re trying and that’s all that matters.
GUESS WHO ISN’T GETTING ANY FUCKING POP TARTS
Jamie McBain because his goal was fucking meaningless, excepting the fact that it gave Malkin an opportunity to be awesome.
We were briefly distracted from this opportunity, however, by the fact that ROOT completely ignored Engelland destroying some idiot:
Tim Gleason is not in his happy place.
No Pop Tarts for you, either.
WHEN MALKIN BECAME CAM WARD’S GOD, PART 502834932
It’s that left shoulder.
It’s a battleground for broken dreams.
Cam Ward will not be receiving any memorial trophies tonight.
I mean he will, but not any important ones.
This couple is like in their 60’s or something. They love Malks, we all love Malks. They’re on the glass seats. We really hope they didn’t leave Consol when the game was tied. Something in their faces leads us to believe No. Unsung heroes of Consol.
Canes got away with some shit, Pens got away with some shit. Blah blah blah, period ended.
OH WAIT HE HAS MORE GOALS THAN HENRIK SEDIN I DIDN’T CATCH THAT
Vancouver in progress with LA right now. ew Sedin.
THE MOMENT WHEN RE-CONCUSSING JEFF SKINNER WAS NOT ON OUR AGENDA
I barely remember the second period. It was basically all Fleury and Ward having a Balls Out contest.
Orpik put some unbelievable, clean shoulder check on Jeff Skinner in the 3rd who went down to the ice in a heap.
Despite this being his first game back from a 16-game absence with concussion, Skinner returned to the game.
Referee called interference on Orpik even though Skinner had touched the puck.
ALSO apologized to Orpik before shootout for a bad call.
We don’t know how we feel about all of this except we hope the Wonder Child is okay.
When Orpik comes out of the box he tries to wrist it from the top of the left circle.
Also at this point Dupuis has almost scored like 3 goals.
The Malkin line looks scary and singular in ways that go even beyond 09 playoffs Malkin. With Neal, the man is unstoppable at times.
Skinner is okay. . .Skinner is okay. . .karma karma karma.
Joe Vitale fought someone. He is the most intense of all men.
The press didn’t take any pics of it because they were too aroused.
This little girl’s enjoyment, however, was pure:
Jokinen almost put it away at the end of the 3rd.
But he didn’t.
DID YOU NEED A HAND TO HOLD IN THIS POST-GOD, POST-TIME UNIVERSE
Everyone was calling Dupuis to score.
Everyone was everywhere, especially Malkin who skated like every minute ever and even blocked a shot and almost set up Curtains for the Hurricanes with Dupes, but time ran out.
Meanwhile, Craig Adams shares insider knowledge about the Canes.
Apparently it worked.
James Neal walked in on a tied shootout and said FUCK YOU to Cam Ward and took all the Schweppes.
Eric Staal got destroyed by Fleury’s toe.
We’ll post a pic if it surfaces because it is amazing.
INDIVIDUAL AWARD: PERFECT HUMAN BEING
Gary Roberts teaching James Neal how to find The Way.
ALT THREE STARS
1. Fleury’s toe. Just the toe.
2. Chad LaRose, for being invisible tonight thank goodness. We don’t know if we could stand to see that face on an upset stomach.
3. Joe Vitale’s sense of selfhood.