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we hate to say this but

Did Steve Mason start killing prostitutes because apparently he sucks now and Curtis Sanford’s balls are as big as Brent Johnson’s last season.

Who designed that background texture on the CBJ site?  Really?
Editor’s note: Sanford had been hurt for ages so that’s why they were starting Stevey.  Our bad.  They had a reason.
Stevey, we hope you can find a less misogynistic way to get your game back.

At any rate.  Jackets acquired Jack Johnson of all people.  So that’s all everyone’s going to talk about until something happens.
did something happen?
Maybe?
no?

HGNNGNGNNG
do not go gentle into that good night


As much as we love these girls we wonder if Fat Rick is more suited for a non-leadership roll with a larger Cheeto payoff.
Errey talking about Nash being traded while Rick is just sitting RIGHT THERE.  Bizarre times.

PERIOD THAT WAS LIKE DRIVING A CAR WITH AUTOMATIC TRANSMISSION THROUGH THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS
First period consited of nothing, Thiessen making some little saves, Curtis Sanford a full-on goalbot.
Game just has zero flow.


We just love Derek Dorsett as alternate captain though.
Such a goon move.
Marquee year for that kid.  We love him.

Whatever.  Then you notice Joe Vitale at the top of the mountain, getting stood up by Jack Johnson.
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HE’S A BIG STRONG KID, Joey says. 
Sounds a little inappropriate. We don’t understand.

BIGGEST SWAYING BRIDGE, TACOMA NARROWS STYLE
Penguins and Jackets exchange penalties, but Sanford is still on automatic.  So apparently is Thiessen, he’s just a little tinier and a little less tested.

Those pads, what is life.

Malkin, not to be outdone, is also completely unconscious.
Paul Martin gets hit in the head by Derek Dorsett’s butt just as the Pens start buzzing and you start questioning whether or not you’ve been effectively lobotomized by this game.
20-8 are the shots at the beginning of this PP.  You’re feeling something vicious in your stomach.  But that could just be indigestion.
Then God died.  Nash alone on Thiessen while the Pens are on the PP.
That’s 1-0.

These photos look so blurry.  Is someone trying to make an artistic statement about the nature of impermanence?
Pascal Dupuis took a penalty shortly thereafter.  Time for another shorty, guys?
Thiessen making himself look huge.  Is it time?

No.  No it is not time.
Jackets getting away with some bullshit, but not enough.  Plumburger takes down Neal.  Back to the drawing board.

TWO MINUTES THAT COULD HAVE MADE YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF 
But they didn’t.
The late penalty really made all the difference; at least it wasn’t a shitty call so we might be able to keep our karmas intact.
 After this, we find out that Stamkos has scored, but who gives a shit.  Neal found Gene and it’s 1-1.

Whoever took this picture had their camera set to some bizarre aperture.
We’ll take it.

THE REDEMPTION OF CHRIS KUNITZ?
Nope.
Scramble in the crease results in a goal that is immediately waved off.  No distinct kicking motion or illegal action by Kunitz on the play but WHATEVER.
BUT NEVER YOU FUCKING MIND BECAUSE
Staal and Dupuis will go to work and get one legally.  Sneaky shot.
Get the fuck out.
2-1 Pens.

With 10 minutes left the Jackets dig their own grave by taking some stupid slash penalty.  Brassard an idiot right there.
Letang immediately scores but it’s waved off yet again because Kunitz was within 10 miles of Sanford’s crease.
Just one of the worst calls possibly in history.  Totally looked as if referees just weren’t paying attention.  Or maybe they thought the Penguins had some kind of unfair advantage and it was clouding their judgment?  Columbus played balls out.
Letang gets it back though. 3-1.

NAIL IN THE COFFIN THAT WASN’T
Joey V puts one in for the People and Posterity.
Jackets come back and Prospal snipes it.
oh okay
It’s 4-2 before you can breathe and take the breadsticks out of your mouth.
Time-out Columbus with an O-zone faceoff, less than 2 left.
Gotta think Thiessen or Paul Martin needs to be handed the puck.  For funsies.
Except not.  Jackets took a penalty, and the world was restored to a state of less tension.
Also, apparently the press only showed up to take pics of Jack Johnson and Fat Rick because we’ve got nothing.

Nothing.
Pens win.
The Great Brad Thiessen, Demi-Curry, and #1 in our hearts now, gets his first NHL Win.
Poor Columbus.
Poor Rick Nash.
Poor Jack Johnson.
Only half of us will be going home happy.

 Thiessen’s first NHL win, as represented in Blingee medium by [stapler]:

don’t hate us because we’re beautiful.

The real three stars were Thiessen, Sully, and Duper.
So we have to go with:
1. Jack Johnson.  Logged huge minutes and at least tried to be there.
2. Malkin.  How often is it that we have to give an alternate star to Malkin? Jesus.  Dude is on fire.
3. KTang.  Blocked almost as many shots as he released.

mmm dat cannon.
Go Pens. 

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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