So we've been doing this tumblr thing for a couple games now. WAIT NO, SERIOUSLY, TWO GAMES. It has been rightly mentioned that there may be a curse. This is number three. Should we lose this game, I promise we'll burn it all down. (Hints and tricks – if you are reading this intro, we probably won.)
Let's hope it doesn't come to that.
MOST FURIOUS FISTS
Halfway though the first, Engo is as bored as we are.
Sure the game is looking good, sans the moments when we for some reason cram all three forwards into a corner (not acceptable, jags) but it's certainly not everything we dreamed it would be and more.
So Engo fixes it by putting his fists onto the face of Ryane Clowe. It's pretty great to see, especially when we get to watch it again in slow motion. Hell yeah.
Later, for your pleasure, Clowe undresses in the penalty box. It's confusing and weird but sort of okay if you squint and pretend he's still a Shark.
Nothing else really happens.
Well, there's a penalty that we all think was called and get angry about, but it turns out it wasn't real.
And there are some okay scoring chances.
And the Rags are waiting for our turnovers on neutral ice like sharks swarming for chum, which is a little scary because we're like, really good at turnovers if you catch us on the wrong day.
Overall, actually, it's pretty excellent hockey to watch, but we won't be talking about it next week.
MOST DEAD FROM OXYGEN DEPRIVATION
The second period politely introduces itself to us by letting Sutter get his hand messed up on a faceoff. GTFO, second period. Suttsy goes off the ice in some obvious pain and eventually hits the runway. We all hold our breath.
He comes back pretty quickly, but you didn't survive that unless you are some trained deep-water diver or something.
Go home, creepy black mouth guard. You are not with the band.
MOST EXCELLENT FAILURES
Th play on the ice is fast and exciting and pretty wonderful. Some of our guys come up HUGE but don't come out of it with anything. Malkin and Iginla get absolutely wild in front of the net and it's some weird anti-miracle that it doesn't go in the net.
Later, Dupes, fanciest skater alive, makes some cool stuff happen. It all looks so GOOD but we just can't finish. PLEASE, GOD, LET US FINISH.
Well. Third period team?
MOST FORTUNATE APPEARANCE
OH HEY THERE BLACK MOUTHGUARD YOU BE LOOKIN' FLY TONIGHT HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU HOW GREAT YOU ARE?
Jussi does it. It's too pretty for us to admit. And too pretty for press to present to you in a timely way.
If there's any way to break down our icy exteriors, it's to get one on the board for the Pens.
MOMENT EVERYONE IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD LEARNED THAT MAF IS A MAGICAL CREATURE SENT FROM ABOVE
MAF is coming up all aces in general, so when a D tie-up results in a wide open MAF and Stepan right in front of him with the puck. Due to witchcraft and witchcraft alone, the flower pulls of some shit like bards used to talk about.
Whaaaaat?! Your screams alert everyone in the surrounding area that Greatness just went down.
MOST IN NEED OF A HUG
Neal gave us a brief scare early in the third when he took a hit to the midsection and had the wind knocked out of him. Halfway through the third, though, Del Zotto catches him on the chin and knocks the sense out of him. You can actually see Neal ask what happened, as he sits on the ice, looking confused. There's some blood in his mouth, and we're all really just hoping it looks worse than it is. He heads to the runway, looking dazed.
It all kinda starts to fall apart when Murray really just takes it to Boyle, cutting it close to being a late hit. And it's an EPIC hit. Then we get a PP that is of at least mildly questionable validity (although, fuck them, they slashed and hacked their way through the first few seconds.) MAF grabbed Clowe's stick after the shoved around, and it ends in MATT COOKE GOING INSANE TO THE ENTIRE RAGS BENCH. He just stands there and bitches out fattie for a whole minute.
It's weird. And awesome.
MOST CONFLICTING EMOTIONS
First, this happens.
And the call goes upstairs, and we all know it's no goal, and the call is amazing and all hail MAF.
While still hailing MAF, the Rags somehow get it behind him in the blink of an eye off of the faceoff. Obviously no one is blaming MAF too much for it, especially because the play should have been dead (have we mentioned that the refs are dogshit tonight?) thanks to Sutter playing it with his hand, but still, it's depressing.
But then! This:
What is a human with limited emotional range to do? THERE ARE TOO MANY FEELINGS.
The game heads into overtime, everyone reeling.
(Sorry for the horrible screencapping – MAF is too on fire tonight and the press is too spotty. Spending a game with your finger on "print screen" is a fun experience, btw. Try it some time.)
NEWEST SHIT LIST MEMBER
Del Zotto, you're going in the books.
First you clip Neal.
Then you act like a fool to Malkin in OT?
Welcome to a prestigious list of people we want dead.
So, MAF just barely covered a Rags win.
And then OT is over. You guys, I didn't even finish my OT drink and now I need to start a SO drink?
We have not done many SOs this season, and our lineup is BARE. Crosby? Nope. Tanger? Nope. Neal? Nope.
But, oh, dat Jussi.
THANK YOU BLACK MOUTH GUARD. Totes nails it on his signature move.
MAF shuts erryone else down (hah, fattie) and sends us home with the win, securing our fate on Tumblr.
Said we'd win. Why? Jussi. Guess who knows his shit?
ALT THREE STARS
James Neal – trooper
Dupes – dem legs
MAF – no subtext needed.
So hey! No curse!
Never losing again!
Get some sleep. Come playoff time you won't be able to.