ADULT DECISIONS

Sometimes people make "adult decisions" and we don't understand them.  Shawn Thornton appealing his 15 game suspension is the obvious example to give this evening for such problems.

Other adult decisions are made out of absolute necessity and sometimes they bring you through to the other side, if not to heaven, at least to the nondescript bright light in the distance.

Here are tonight's Adults:

 

via Empty Netters

sweet baby jesus our defense.  Engo is probably getting suspended and LeUnicorn is hurt and so is Gene and uhhhhh.  Wow.  This reminds us of 2011 except worse and not in March.  What a time that was though.  The boys became men.  The monsters became allies.

Shall we then. . .

FIRST BLOOD, BEST BLOOD, FRESHEST BLOOD

Early on the Pens win a faceoff and Dumoulin shoots it to the net.  Deflected by someone, maybe Phaneuf.  Bobby and Steiggy are totally adamant that it is Dumoulin's goal, though it gets credited to Conner.

 

at any rate, that's an NHL point within moments of taking NHL ice, that that's pretty cool for Brian Dumoulin.  Metaphysical blowjobs en masse to whomever scouts defensemen for the Pens because the last several years we've been HASHTAG BLESSED.

BRIEFEST ATTEMPT AT A DRINKING GAME

Maybe just drink every time they mention Ulf Samuelsson.  Phillip Samuelsson is here, wearing 55, bringing us the rare Sarge and Ulf combo spirit.

MOST NECESSARY?

Pens are being aggressive as hell.  Leafs not doing much, but getting chippy.  Bort fought someone to put himself in the box for five minutes despite being co-chair of the Defenseman Nursery League.  It was important.  We think.  The period ended without fanfare.

THAT'LL GROW HAIR ON YER CHEST

Sid wound up for a slapper early in the second.  Maybe we won't suffer an inevitable fall from grace.

You kinda stopped watching the game because it was just up and down, back and forth, Leafs not even getting ground.  Then they got a PP.  Deflected Despres who was trying to block it off the rush.  K.

 

just stay strong.  Morgan Rielly's first NHL goal.

1-1

Period keeps chugging along like a pub crawl you didn't want to go on but had to because it was someone's bachelor party.

MAF made a huge stop on Mason Raymond.

oh MAF who are you and who will you be

 

MORE NECESSARY THAN THE LAST FIGHT, CLEARLY

Bodie then fought Zach Sill for no reason we can discern.  Was there a rogue planet?  Apparently someone hit Rielly with a small feather.

 

Kadri and Crosby engaged in some aggressive hugging and face-rubbing.  There was a penalty on the Pens, then some 4 on 4.  The second period seems to have taken decades without a whole lot actually happening.  Leafs games for ya.

MOST NECESSARY PLAY EVER TROPHY

Apparently Rielly decided to cross check Megna after he got seriously injured by Bernier on a breakaway.  Rielly is a piece of shit.  

Here's a horrifying pic of Megna.

 

Megna eventually went to the locker room and then Bortuzzo hit somebody in the head (didn't even get a replay on that one).  It was D'Amigo and it was a penalty and due to the Boston media we are now paranoid and convinced we're all going to jail.  Bort got a penalty.  Then there was some more shit.  God all of these plays are getting the trophy.  Bort hit the same guy again and apparently murdered him brutally with a machete.

Paul Steigerwald is totally confused about acceptable hockey plays versus trash versus incidental contact versus heavy hitting versus I don't even know.  It's no wonder the Boston media think everyone's an asshole who thinks Cooke's elbow to Savard was a hockey play or something.  I can't.

DELIVER US FROM EVIL AMEN

crosby got open in the slot bye

 

2-1

SHIT

late Kunitz penalty.

Leafs pull Bernier to make it 6 on 4.  But Sutter gets the empty net.

Can we go home and forget any of this ever happened.

 

Pens win okay

 

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

YOU ARE LIKE TWELVE YEARS OLD

 

Bort, Brian, Phillip, and Olli

MOST LIKELY TO BE YOUR BEST FRIEND'S BIG BROTHER SHOVELING OUT THE CAR ON NEW YEAR'S DAY IN A G-RATED TV MOVIE

just Phillip

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS

1. Evgeni Malkin's sport coat

2. Joe Haggerty's righteous indignation

3. Olli Maatta, King Finnish Husband 

tin foil hat time

Bob Errey might have to suit up along with Ulf and your mom

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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