all the shame

The Pens staggered out of bed this morning and sent out a mass text reminiscent to the one I sent the morning after my 21st birthday: “Whose apartment are we in, whose blood is this, and what the fuck happened last night?”

They fumbled through the halls and, finding no one, grabbed a beer from the fridge, stole a hoodie from the closet, and started on the long walk to Toronto. Maatta’s blade was broken clean off his skate. Sid puked in a city trashcan. Tanger had tinsel inexplicably dangling from his hair. MAF could be heard whispering “never again. never again.”

We did not go to Toronto fresh of a Stride of Pride, bitches and gents. But maybe we can make better decisions for ourselves in the future. Maybe next time we wake up in an unfamiliar place, it’ll be next to something we can be proud of. Let’s find out.

MOST HOPE

We’re making okay decisions in the beginning. Jokinen tries on a nifty little wrister but Reimer is trying to make better decisions tonight as well. Ashton tries a wraparound but MAF has been pretty strict on his “water between every beer” rule right outta the gate. It pays off again when Bodie (ugh) tries a slapper from halfwall. Deeeee-nied. 

When Paul Ranger goes into the box for interference you are kinda like eye roll but really guys are you going to finally do something with this or. But Tanger is determined to make his second night out more memorable than his first and puts together a tight play with Malkin, ending in a puck behind Reimer. Press dropped their iPhone in their jungle juice so no instagrams can be found to commemorate the moment.

Maybe tonight is different, you guys. 

PLAYER THAT MAKES YOU FEEL ALL THE THINGS

Kris Letang is like the friend that you never know if you want to take out with you. Some nights he is the life of the party and covers the cab fare when you are too drunk to remember your pin number. Other nights he is the drunk bitch crying in the bathroom. Is it worth the role of the die?

Is he going to try out a big one-timer on Reimer? Yeah. Is he going to pass directly into traffic? You betcha. Are you going to find him at the end of the first period, covered in vomit and causing the turnover that evens it up? 

Yupppp.

MOST ABSENT

Where is Scuds? No one knows. No one will tell us. Did he get a cab home? Did he smell something on the wind? Idk. We’re keeping our ears to the ground.

MOMENT YOU STARTED SOBBING BECAUSE YOU WERE PRETTY SURE WE TURNED OUR LIVES AROUND FOR REAL THIS TIME

Kaderi tries to get one in but Maatta blocks in. Van Riemsdyk tries to pick up the trash, but it turns out that MAF is turning down jagerbombs left and right and makes a glove save that changes your life and reminds you that maybe there is a benevolent beardy man in the sky looking after you, lovingly.

PERSONA NON GRATA

Root and Clarkson show up to the bar in the same dress. Root starts spreading bitchy-but-super-true rumors about Clarkson getting away with a litany of penalties. There’s a finger snap in there somewhere, and trust me, Bobby always locks the elbow.

PERIOD IT ALL WENT TO SHIT

As it often went in college, heading into an evening saying “This won’t be like last night” is almost a prayer to the patron saint of finding your ID in the toilet and your iPhone screen shattered into a billion pieces. 

Someone poured the Snake Juice. And we don’t mean Cobra Scorpion Whiskey. It’s just a mess. It’s not that the Leafs look good, it’s just that the Pens look so super out of it. 

With everyone so drunk, Kadri is the first to cash in, navigating a poke check from MAF. We fall around for the rest of the period until Kessel makes it 3-1.

The empty net puts an unnecessary additional nail into coffin.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

BEST PERFORMANCE

Earlier today I saw a buncha little kids put on a 20 minute rendition of Hamlet. They all showed a lot more attention to detail than we did for the whole of this hockey game. They get the award.

ALT THREE STARS

Reimer – Really earned it.
Tanger – We’re confused, but sometimes it was good, so we’ll blindly throw you one until we can sort it out.
The bartender – to get him over here faster i mean really

Well at least we’re never losing again, ya know?
Go Pens.

Kim

About Kim

I bleed Pittsburgh but also blood and I need that, so please don't cut me.

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