It's times like these -
4 games into the season, full of opinions about what we are doing wrong, seething over the existence of Canada in general – that we need to remember what life was like just a few weeks ago.
No real hope for a season.
About to watch the only thing in our lives that really matters (whatever, spouses) get washed down the drain to the omnipresent sound of Gary Bettman's maniacal laughter as red clouds swirled in the sky and maybe something about 4 horsemen or something.
IT WAS THAT BAD.
So let's take a moment to be glad that we have something to be upset about.
Like losing to people in Canada. CANADA.
Or the fact that our defensive zone looks like dog shit.
Or Rob Rossi.
What are those glasses?
Other than an affront to common decency.
Zoe said it best:
Be happy to be back to being hateful.
It's a good thing.
This game, however…
I'm just saying. Watch out for the horseshit on the red carpet tonight.
HOPES MOST LIKELY TO BE DASHED
You are waiting.
We are waiting.
The world is waiting for Sid's fist monster game. We alll want it. We all want him to breeze past the hat trick, scream at someone, blow our minds with his unrealness. It's just such a special part of being a Pens fan, the fact that you get to have such a thing to look forward to.
So when Kunitz gets that pass to Sid, and Sid then finds some I-sold-my-soul-to-the-devil way to get it into the net, you're thinking it might be that time again.
The press is taking tequila shots.
I mean it.
More on this later.
Here's a picture of not-this-goal-but-close-enough-if-you're-wasted to fill the void.
There's all kinda shit happening there.
SADDEST GOAL, IN RETROSPECT
There's this 2 on 1 situation and Crosby is looking hot.
He shoots five hole and it's not even a question of his skills, it's a question of if you deserve to watch him play or not.
We're not all about Crosby worship all the time, but when it happens it happens.
They say 'tis better to have loved and lost…
But this goal just made the possibilities seem endless.
Unfortunately for us, the end was a tunnel painted onto a brick wall.
JETS GOAL THAT WE WILL MOST GRACIOUSLY ACCEPT
Kane does some things.
Unlike the phrase mothers like to tell their miserable children, we believe that when it comes to enemy team goals, if you have something nice to say don't say anything at all.
This is what it felt like.
If I were on my computer with photoshop, this would be ideal.
But that's all the way upstairs, goddamnit.
Use your imaginations.
MOST MISINFORMED YOU'VE EVER BEEN ABOUT THE TONE OF A GAME
Pretty early in the second you're willing to say you like the play of this game.
Sure, it helps that we're up, but the Jets look solid too. The Pens look awesome. Penalties are nonexistent. Play is fast and very skilled. The goalies are looking beastly. While we love a blowout, we love a skilled game even more.
But just as we're starting to admire it, that horrible thing starts to happen again.
Poor little Vokoun looked out from his bit of cheese.
HEY YOU GUYS, I CAN'T FILL ALL THESE HOLES MYSELF, YOU GOT ME?
Our defensive zone just deteriorates.
Suddenly it's got more holes in it than your girlfriend's story about where she was tonight.
You see Byfuglie's goal coming from a mile away. You've almost reached "acceptance" by the time it actually hits the back of the net.
We don't need to rehash all the gory details with a photo, so here's Byfuglie's real contribution to the evening:
SADDEST YOU FELT FOR BENNY ALL NIGHT
I mean, swiss cheese and all, it was still sad to watch it happen to him. He's so cute. We still think of him lovingly as our favorite former blogger.
Come here for hugs.
We forgive you.
You tried so hard.
LEAST EXISTENT THING.
Empty net goals are only real when we score them.
Yeah, it's bitchy of us.
But we run the show here, so fuck off.
THIS JUST IN: PENS NEVER LOSING AGAIN.
The Press wins its first award of the season. It was inspired. Seriously.
This series is just one example:
WEIRDEST VACATION THEFT
Apparently Tanner Glass spent the exact amount of time in India doing the exact same things I did and going to the exact same places as me. Not even all touristy places.
I could superimpose THE EXACT SAME PHOTO of myself and my manfriend at the Golden Temple over this and pretend I went on vacation with Tanner and his wife.
Wait…Holiday card idea.
ALT THREE STARS
1. You, if you watched to the final buzzer like a champ.
2. America. For not being Canada.
3. Marc Andre Fleury.
For making our dreams come alive with this photo.
We'll get it next time.
Hey, it's hockey. We'll take it all, good and bad.