are you quite finished

NBC HGUHGHGDHUGHDGHGH GLUG.
Not even remotely feeling this right now. The Rangers and the Blue Jackets blue up at the trade deadline. (For reference, Stevey Mason, who is still probably a serial killer, was traded to Philly.) And NBC is pumping up the rivalry and probably had to remove some kind of Marian Gaborik graphic at the last minute because Gaborik is now a Blue Jacket. Derick Brassard is dressing for the Jackets tonight. WE JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND NECESSARILY. p.s. the Rangers suck.  Clowe is a Ranger.  MAF is in the cage.  All of this feels delicious and wrong and possibly naughty like roasting a giant ham in an orthodox Jewish household during Passover.  Oh and obviously because this is NBC, we've got Lange and Bourque close to our hearts.  Let's dip into sacrilege.  OH AND JOEY V IS IN THE LINEUP PRAISE THE GODS THE HARVEST IS SAFE.  Maybe not without Mark Eaton though, let's be honest.  Bortuzzo city.
 

LEAST OKAY
The Rangers are skating like all their players they traded for this afternoon which just seems fucking rude and inconsiderate.
  Pens are looking kinda like mud until they get a PP and Malkin/Neal/Iginla starts to look a little awake after having to cover Niskanen's ass with a brown paper bag.  We think Nisky needs a spa day.

Either the Rangers have "chemistry" all of a sudden or no one cares what is happening anymore.  Kunitz gently touched someone and has to go to the box for that.  It's going to be that kind of evening for Christ Kunitz.  Niskanen has a redemption moment on the PK.  But it isn't good enough.
Eight thousand people screening Fleury.  What a ridiculous sequence.  Richards.  Clowe assist.  ughgh

0-1.  least okay

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO GO BACK IN THE WATER
McDonagh is trash

0-2 lol
Pens look absolutely like a poetry slam team trying to find the entrance to the club after one too many Red Stripes.  Did Clowe get another assist.

MOMENT YOU SOLD ALL OF YOUR POSSESSIONS AND WALKED BAREFOOT INTO THE DESERT, NEVER TO RETURN TO THIS LIFE
Orpik just died behind the net.  Clowe came out on a wraparound and got his first fucking goal of the year.  We are more than okay losing every now and then but man, we don't want this game.  We don't even want our clothes or our families anymore.  RYANE.

Bylsma calls his timeout and then they need to replace some glass so it's like quadruple timeout.  Fleury makes a game-saving goal on Fat Rick after the quadruple timeout.  No one cares.
Can we just retreat to the locker room and raid Rick's secret Cheeto store?  This isn't working.  The desert might not even be far enough.  Maybe the forests of Albania would be better.  The Rangers just look like they Solved Their Team but it's probably because we're playing like trash and rotten severed dicks abandoned in a plastic bag outside a nursery school.

Bourque reminds us that Iginla hit a post when it was 0-0.  WE ARE TRYING TO DIE OF THIRST OVER HERE STOP MAKING US SCREAM

MOST SECRETS
MAF is still healthy.  We still have him.  And Del Zotto decided to make a mess and take a penalty but it doesn't matter because the Pens don't appear to care.  It's like there's something that nobody told us, that our souls would leave and be transmuted into Ryane Clowe without Sid to protect his children.
Sid is Dad.  There's really no other explanation.
lol, second period.  First two minutes.  BRASSARD SCORES.  are you kidding.

quit

MOST LIKE THE MAGINOT LINE
Someone didn't quit.  it was Duper.  he didn't.  next sequence decides to show the rest of his team how to take the puck to the net and not be a dick.

and it was 58439059043 to 1
For a slightly less embarrassing mess.  All of a sudden Joey V can't win a faceoff.  The bunker is unsafe.  But we've made some serious inroads into the horrible deep.

blah blah blah oh great the Pens took another penalty.
No idea what happened, but Clowe again:

It's 5-1 with just a few minutes left in the second period.

You could wipe the faces of a nation with the white flags we want to wave right now.

We're so fucked.  At least for tonight.  We're going to have to be fucked.  Hard.

MOST CONFUSED
did the Rangers fan just chant Crosby Sucks because he's not here guys his jaw is broken.  hellooooo do you watch television ever.
Niskanen redemption play one-on-one with Rick Nash.  It's a shame we're already down 5-1 or it might have been a game changer.

Hey you know what's not a game changer?
Asham and Tanner fought.  Maybe Tanner should also wear a headband.  We support this.

We stopped paying attention and started reading internethistory.  John Moore scored.  All three players who are new to the Rangers lineup have scored goals tonight.

it's 6-1

probably time to just quit

MAF is so over this shit, by the way.  In Bourque's words, "it's not right."

MSG erupts in cheers at the end of the game, of course.

good for them

what a messssssss

speculating at the dramatic shift in team mentality between the last game of the streak and This Shit is like being told that you have to translate a lost, previously unread, handwritten work of Derrida's from French to English and you don't even speak French or English and also you're crying

pens lose

i'm done for now.

love you,
cheers,

Zoë

GO PENS btw

don't read the newspapers

 

Zoë

About Zoë

living in Boston, chronically fussy, fills recaps with references to Robert Scott's last march and literary theory among other things.

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