bears in the closet

Worse things have happened at sea.

If anyone tells you otherwise, they’re wrong.

The sea is a deep dark chasm of tragedy.  Nothing in your life is as bad as the shit that could happen to you AT SEA.

with that cryptic introduction, we’ll move forward to the game.

MOST LIKE DRUNK BABY OCELOTS

Both teams begin this game falling all over each other like, as described above, baby ocelots that got into the champagne cooler.  Everyone is flopping around and committing turnovers on both sides.

There is also at least one rogue section of Isles fans trying to start Fleury chants and OLE chants when it’s 0-0 so clearly someone has been having too much fun.  But you have to admire their spirit, since apparently the Islanders have lost six in a row.  God, with that in mind, this could get ugly in a hurry.

GREASIEST BIT OF CANADA

John Tavares crashed the net and the puck goes in.  Could it be a kicking motion?  Nah.  Not that lucky.  Could be interference.  But we don’t want to raise a bitch fit.  Aloofness is the only way we get by, right?

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1-0

Okposo gets credit

THE WORST THING TO EVER HAPPEN

Okposo shot a puck that squeaked through Fleury.  Orpik screened him.  The way it just gently crept over the goal line was pretty pathetic.

Now the Fleury chants are out in full force.

no pic of the goal because it was sad

LEAST WARNING

We didn’t realize Cal was in this game until it was too late (3 minutes left in the first).

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man

Fleury has to make a couple of big time saves to keep it at 2-0.  Okposo also hit a pipe.  It would have been a natural hat trick if it went in.

Then Vanek took a penalty, so deep is his goal to be warm like a cock in its cozy.

The inevitable babymaking Malkin one timer to begin the power play seemed lonely as Anders Nilsson made the save.  Letang does some weird shit on the PP like going awkwardly deep and getting a high stick in his impossible nose.  37.3 seconds of 5 on 3 left in the period–come on do a thing.  Nilsson’s all kinds of swagger after getting Malkin’s number off of a bathroom stall, basically.

The way we feel after that period is like someone gave us a Bitcoin for our birthday.

MOST IMPORTANT LESSON

The Pens fail to score on their power plays even when the second begins and we also learn that Nilsson is allergic to gluten and dairy intolerant and that it was making him very tired.  If allergies make you tired we definitely have an allergy to the Islanders’ existence right now.

GREATEST MOMENT OF ALL TIME

Clutterbuck was coming in to the boards on Engo and Engo got all upset about it and basically reversed his shoulder/bum into Cal and Cal went flying because he didn’t expect it and omg how was that real

BREAKING NEWS: ZACH SILL IS PLAYING? OKAY

Crosby almost ruins a life a few shifts later but Nilsson is dialed in.

Not much is going on.

MOST (LEAST?) EXTREME

James Neal got some weird call for elbowing.  Pens killed it with relative ease.  This game feels like a blister ready to ooze.

The second is winding down and Bobby refers to everyone on the ice as “growly.”  Pascal was down in front of the net and Greasy Boy Canada takes the penalty.  Nilsson made some unreal glove save on a wide open Letang.

James Neal becomes the Most Extreme Human by channeling all that growly energy into going to the net and taking some ridiculous pass from Malkin from behind the cage.  Tapped it in.  Hugest balls etc.

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2-1

we made it out of the second with a Thing, everyone!

CALMEST FURY

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those eyes are borderline Jared Boll level stoned/tired, James.  But yet the fire burns deep and hot within this one.

AARON NESS: THIRST FOR BLOOD II, THE CALLING

Aaron Ness takes his second high sticking penalty of the game.

Early on, Letang slashes Nielsen on a breakaway and allows a penalty shot.  MAF says absolutely not.

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Thank God for MAF there.  Letang is all over the place today for no reason.  Typical.

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So the Pens get to stay on the power play.  And then.  Malkin with some sick pass to Sid who rips it.

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2-2

haunting

MOST CONFUSION

Despres made a beautiful play to keep the puck in which led to James Neal having a wide open net, which Nilsson somehow saved.  Man so close.  Jokinen tried to murder someone in the ensuing scrum.

We haven’t talked enough about Simon Despres.  That boy is beautiful.

HEAVIEST TEARS

Malkin and Tavares start fighting in some kind of bizarre every-man-for-himself-war-zone situation where the officials are just letting Everything happen.  Actually Gene cross checked him in the face because he clearly had too many Feelings or something.

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Vanek had a hot mess hissy fit because he is playing badly apparently and takes another penalty.

Told you this could get messy.

Regulation expires and we are going to OT because ???? feelings

Big time feelings.  Nilsson making huge saves in overtime on the Pens PP.

DEATH, ACTUAL BEAUTIFUL METAPHYSICAL DEATH IN THE FACE OF GOD

not even hyperbole srsly

Sid stole a puck as the Islanders were exiting the zone.  Turned around, skated around Vanek as if Vanek were made of delicious soft custard and then embarrasses someone named de Haan.  Here’s a Vine of it.  We could watch it for days.

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okay go to sleep

Pens win.  Worse things have, indeed, happened at sea.

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INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MOST LIKELY TO BE HAVING AN “EDWARD IN TWILIGHT” MOMENT AT THE STENCH OF BLOOD

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Anders Nilsson

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS

1. Anders Nilsson – Isles should have given a pity star to their own boy.  He played really well.  Getting confronted by Sidney Crosby really was a heartbreaker for a team who has a decent goalie and played well enough to win but is just sucking a giant dick right now.

2. Not Kris Letang - led the Pens in ice time and WE STILL CAN’T FIGURE OUT WHY.  Give all his stars to Simon and Olli.

3. James Neal - is getting anger lessons from Brooks Orpik on how to eat your family

go pens ~

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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