It’s fitting that the Pens-Bruins series begins in the middle of some god damn unearthly heat wave.

We’ve been on a mini-vacation in the midst of this break between Pens games.  We’ve been meditating in a space that we like to call the vortex.  This is simply magic space where strange things happen, some glorious, some terrifying.  What lives in the vortex?  We’ve decided mostly Lana Del Rey music.

When we are in the vortex, though.  Good things tend to happen.  We were in the vortex in 2009.  And not even at this level.

Re: the Hawks-Kings series: the Hawks are evil.  Anyone who roots for Patrick Kane’s neckbeard is suspect.

And re: Boston.  Zoë lives here so shit is weird.  It’s like some kind of fever dream you can’t believe.  That the Pens will be HERE where I LIVE playing HOCKEY and UPSETTING PEOPLE I INTERACT WITH DAILY.

But for now, it’s in Pittsburgh, and god damn Pittsburgh, you are so beautiful.

Boston fans trying to shit on Pittsburgh every chance they get.  There’s also some Iginla controversy mixed in like somehow it’s anyone other than Jay Feaster and Peter Chiarelli’s fault that they thought they got Iggy and that actually ended up being untrue.  We want to say like “live and let live” when it comes to the Bruins, but we think they’re bitter about Jagr for some reason.  Also Marchand fucking sucks.  So.

Let the chirping begin.  I am probably going to be murdered during this series.

Ference is in for the Bruins.  Apparently they feel they need some good environmentalist juju.  Niskanen gives fist bumps to everyone as they go onto the ice.

Pierre lurking next to the Speech Impediment Real Beard Sidney Crosby Playset.

A glistening frenulum.

Jimerson in your mouth.

Bergeron versus Crosby for the opening faceoff.  God fucking damn god damn.

Crosby line embarrasses everyone from Boston on the first shift.  But we can’t get too high on that.  It’s meaningless.  It never happened.  Kris Letang told Marchand to go get some Grey Goose and sit in the club where he belongs.

Bruins neutral zone play seems abysmal.  First shot on Vokoun brings the Kouuuuun.

Krug gets a shot and doesn’t score, what a storyline.

This game is Busy.  Every stick motion seems to matter, burned into your psyche.

Bruins get a 3 on 1 but apparently don’t care enough to make a real play.  Wow.

Gene was off to the races and Krejci was afraid that someone might notice he’s average, so he tripped Gene and went to the box.

Huge-ass PP.  Actually won the faceoff ahead.  You’re starting to get up for this game.  Starting to see the reality of it.  This is no heat stroke mirage.

If you don’t win these faceoffs and control on the power play this is going to be VERY hard.  Jokinen seeing some PP time.  Everything seems a little slower, a little nastier.  Settling down now.  No one is dead in the water yet.

Neal and Iginla got perhaps the best look of the night so far but it didn’t go.

Bruins get one off the rush, though.  Oh my god.

Trickler past Vokoun.  Ference drove the net.  Krejci opened up his five hole.  This first goal doesn’t feel like other first goals but we of course look at those through rose-colored glasses because we ended up winning later.

Here’s a great look at the play.  Paul Martin went down for no real reason and caused the puck to change direction.

You count on weird ones like these to be made up for by idk our prodigious offense or something.

Wipe that semen off your chins though, kids.  We’ve got a lot more heartbreak to play through.

Next, Crosby interfered with Bergeron with his giant ass.  Why did you do that Sidney Playset?

Jagr gave the puck away to Adams on the PK.  Bitter much.  Solid PP so far but if they do score on this it’s going to feel like a kill shot.  Like we got too big for our britches way too fast.

Malkin and Iginla almost made magic happen but Bergeron slashed him.  Prob should have been a penalty shot.  But wouldn’t want the refs to actually affect anything.

PP sucks.

Pens look borderline like they are falling apart.  Koun makes a gutsy save on Jagr to exorcise some demons after 8000 giveaways.

Orpik gonna get penalized late in the period, too.  Everything could be bad.

Pens with a flurry at the end that literally had you screaming for help.  Puck was right there on the goal line.  But the period ends.

Hey you know who we haven’t checked up on in awhile?

John Curry in case you are curious is currently with the Orlando Solar Bears of the ECHL.  We’re glad.  Sunshiny weather suits his grace.

We present this logo as a talisman of solidarity.


Early 2nd, Cooke hit McQuaid.  Watch the replay.  McQuaid goes down and then covers his head afterwards as soon as he realizes what just happened.  Not saying it’s not a boarding hit.  Though subsequent photos will show that McQuaid saw full well that Cooke was coming behind him and put himself in that position knowing what was gonna happen.  And I might also be sayin that McQuaid is obviously faking and everyone should cry more and show Matt Cooke’s elbow to Savard on TV because it is clearly the same fucking thing.  NBC actually did this.  Pierre classified it as the hit that ended Savard’s career.  Which was a lie.  He was cleared to play after and was concussed a second time.  Cooke’s play was inexcusable, dangerous, and wrong, and one of the scariest things I’ve ever seen.  But he didn’t singlehandedly Bertuzzi Marc Savard.  Pierre just wants the storyline to be juicier than it actually is.

NBC also shouldn’t be allowed to report on anything because they queued up the fucking Savard video before the game even started.  How do you excuse that?

Is this the hit in the photo?

There was 4 on 4 after btw that was vomit.  Some Bruin took a roughing minor.  3 minutes of major penalty time left on Cooke’s major penalty.  Cooke was also ejected.  Quaider was escorted to the quiet room but I’m like 99.999% sure he’ll be back.

Pens kill the major.  okay.

Pens are getting a lot of rushes, but it’s all track meet and it seems like nobody is hitting the net.  Cry yourself to sleep.

oh also headline of the fucking game: McQuaid has returned to the game and is apparently fine.

Pens on the PP and acting like jokes.  Bruins get eight thousand chances.

welp city all period

Just waiting for everyone to get tired as fuck so someone can get their shit together long enough to score a goal.

Late in the period, Marchand boards the everloving shit out of Neal but Neal doesn’t act like someone shot him and fake an injury to get sent to the concussion room, so it’s only 2 minutes for Marchand.  Marchand’s hit was way worse than Cooke’s.  We’re Pens homers but also Marchand is trash.

Pens desperately trying to score but Rask is dialed in.  At the end of the period Malkin goes absolutely apeshit on Patrice Bergeron.  Like full on takedown.

like tigresses in heat

Malkin and Bergeron don’t have their jerseys tied down but as we remember from the Malkin vs. Zetterberg incident in Game 5 of the 2009 SCF, superstars apparently don’t have to tie their jerseys.  Bergeron leaves the ice covered in blood and we don’t even know whose it is.  Crosby gets in his “I’m actually on PCP” mindset which we see about once a year and he gets in Chara’s face and Rask’s face.  Ugly shit.

Third period is going to have to break the mold, or we’re fucked.

Pens somehow still have a PP because all the shenanigans at the end matched up.  Somehow.

Nothing happens though and NBC shows a reel of the Pens hitting posts.

hahahahahahahahaha Krejci scores again kill yourself kill your family

hahahahahahahahahahah blah blah blah blah blah

horton. layup.

kill your hometown

hide their bodies in a glacier

no one will know where you’ve hid them until latter day archaeologists find them frozen in a mountainside

do it

Crosby took a penalty with 1:50 left for the hell of it.

At this point what’s not awful is that a single questionable boarding call ended up ruling this game, but that the Pens fell for it, and that we are all stuck here trying desperately to not get ejected from the vortex

Hey guys get your shit together or we cancel the picnic.

go pens

watch some fucking video and stop eating bonbons

blood etc

And the soil shall be sown with the blood of our enemies

Here’s how close the Pens were to scoring.  We’ll be back.

because apparently they didn’t award the Cup after this game.  plot twist


About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. Writing about the Penguins, the CWHL/women's hockey, and hockey/sports media criticism.