Playing the Isles is kinda like getting drunk with your relatives in the way that it can go really super well and be a total riot and a memory you will cherish forever, or it can devolve into one of the absolute worst nights of your life pretty much instantly.
Or it can end with everyone getting a wine headache on glass number two and calling it an early night – that’s when the trap rears it’s ugly head and gets the best of you.
We’re hoping tonight is like when grandma winks at you across the table, pouring an airplane liquor bottle’s worth of whiskey into your coffee. The Isles team has a lotta holes in it, so there’s a good chance grandma can show up with the hooch.
The Isles start it off with some not-terrible tires that Zatkoff has to fight off. Tavares is a Real Boy but Z-man (y/n?) shuts him down. Sutter throws a little something Poulin’s way to make sure everyone feels included.
So, most importantly, Cal Clutterbuck is here tonight. Did you know that? We almost forgot and choked on our tongues when we remembered. He tried a one timer but it went right into Zatkoff’s chest.
It makes us proud to remember that we once hijacked a Cal facebook group, became mods, kicked out all other mods, and turned it into a shrine for Mr. Clutterbuck that includes such classic quotes as: “Pascal William Clutterbuck shoots right, but hits with his entire soul.” I mean really though.
Crosby gets a cross-ice pass from Malkin, and proceeds to get it right to Kunitz, who doesn’t even hesitate, puts it past Poulin’s blocker. It’s really, really nice.
It’s your-cousin-brought-moonshine nice.
FAVORITE STEP CHILD
A couple minutes later, Kunitz is at it again. Malks forces a turnover, Martin and Neal do some lovely passing on a three-on-two, and Neal gets it to Kunitz who sends it home.
Kunitz gets his shot at the hattie when he gets the puck cleanly past Poulin for the third time BUT OH WAIT HAHAHA NO DID YOU SEE THAT DID YOU SEE THAT scream the drunk refs, begging to be slain MALKIN’S STICK SORTA DID A THING NO GOAL NO GOAL PENALTY.
The hats sat alone on the ice, waiting for blood.
We leave the first 2-0
The Isles do something or other and the night starts to get a little edgy. Your mom reminds you of that time she knew you were skipping in high school. It seems pleasant enough, and you’re an adult now goddamnit, but you hope this isn’t the first sign of something darker creeping up into the conversation.
MOST HEARTWARMING FAMILY TOAST
MALKINasdlfjhasdjkf finally breaks his dry spell with a forehand shot that inspires him to literally punch the glass.
Dad is standing at the head of the table, pouring a round, and telling you, accidents or not, he’s proud of you after all.
WHEN WE ALL STARTED WEEPING
WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE SO GODDAMN HARD? Within one minute everything on the ice goes to hell and the Isles score TWICE. The first time around our defense and Z-man can go ahead and take the blame, and the second one everyone in the universe can take the blame.
The Isles shouldn’t do this to us. We call a timeout to sort out our feefees. Aunt Penny just vom-ed on the carpet. Mom’s yelling at the family album. Someone -you can’t turn fast enough to see who – whispers “it was supposed to be you, not your twin” in your ear.
But you didn’t have a twin. ...did you?
MOST REMINDED OF YOUR MORTALITY
Everyone is flopping around on the ground and your vision is slowly narrowing to a pinpoint.
The third period continues on.
You know that when the pinpoint flickers out, you’ll be dead, and you’re kind of okay with that.
Still, the third period marches on.
Finally, with a minute left in the game, there is the sweet release. Cappy Cakes sends one past Poulin.
Cousin Robby bursts through the door and picks you all up off the floor. He brought pizza. We are a family again.
ALT THREE STARS
Seriously though, fuck the Islanders. Can we just never do this shit again?
Ugh. STOP DOING THIS TO US.
No wait, we love you, come back.