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deep in the woods.

Never again.
Never again.
Never again.
Something clearly needs to be done. We cannot be giving up this many goals this often. We're going to stop protecting the people that we love deep down, because maybe they are not the best for our team right now. The team is more important than the individuals.
So, you know.
Maybe we'll be okay with it if some changes are made and some of our jerseys have to be hung in the "jersey retirement" corners of our closets. There's room for new jerseys, just like there's room for new banners in the arena's rafters. 
This was a win, yeah, but also a rude awakening. 

Let's get down to it.

MOST DICKS
Sorry to be crass (nope) but this is historic. If you don't recall, several years ago PH staff made a religious voyage to Wilmington, Delaware, in order to apologize to Mark "30 Dicks" Eaton. We love him.
You can read about it here.

There's gotta be at least 5 under those shoulder pads. 

We feel naked without Paul Martin. Hopefully T.Dicks will cover us. 
WE ARE SO EXCITED TO FIND OUT.

MOST COMPELLING ARGUMENT TO LIGHT A CITRONELLA CANDLE
Some terrible thing happens and we don't want to talk about it. 
But has anyone else noticed that the Habs goal horn sounds like a mosquito?

Apropos. 

STRESS-IEST
There is this terrifying moment where BoBo gets the puck and he shoots it and then there is open net space and everyone is like huglugluglug CAN SOMEONE TOUCH THE PUCK OR SOMETHING OH MY GOD.

It's fast as hell out there, and the loose pucks in front of both nets have us foaming at the mouths. 

Brooks clearly hasn't shed blood recently. He needs to get the glory back.
Insert Dexter joke here.

We're tired. Do our job for us please? 

Despres is working the corner as hard as your mom. It would warm your heart if it hadn't been robbed from you through years of abandonment issues. 
This game is clearly a stress headache yearning to happen.

SEXIEST
We go up on the power play, finally, because something really needs to happen.

Without Gene and PaulMart, we feel super empty on the inside. Our PP unit looks anemic. Except, not really.

Suttsy gets a bitchin' rebound and sends it into a wide open net. Is it just us or does it look like they are taking a selfie?
We…*cough* really, REALLY *loosen shirt collar*…like Mr. Sutter.

Dupes does NOTHING and gets a penalty. 
It's a total even-up. We have some suggestions for Brooks on his journey to get back in the mood. 
The mood… for murder.

After saying it, I assumed it would exist. It did.
Luckily the period ends. A good ole snakebite can do wonders.

WEAKEST VENOM
Unfortunately, while the snakebite works in our favor, the Habs have it in our net in no time anyway. Five into the second, and our defense (we aren't pointing fingers, Brooks, we promise) shits itself. The puck finds itself nestled comfortably in the corner of the net.

Ewwww.


BEST REPELLANT
But then! Crosby sends one to Kunitz from the back of the Habs net, and Kunitz shoves it in, refusing to take no for an answer. It's super satisfying.

(Before you get all uppity about DEET, spend a night in August at Little Talbot Island in Florida. Mosquito hell is real, and PH staff stayed two nights there just because they think anything that reminds them of Max Talbot is hilarious.)

Then, Brooks does something right, thank god, because we don't want to have reasons to hate him, and it ends up in James Neal getting one in. 

That's two goals in a matter of moments. Suddenly we're ahead.
The Habs then give us a cherry on top with a penalty. It's beautiful.

MOST HILARIOUSLY INTERRUPTED BROADCAST
We get a million chances before Brandon Prust pretends he is fast. Letang saves us from certain disaster. We give him our first born.

It's a closed adoption. We don't want to be depressed by future hair choices.

Then, in one of the better moments of their broadcasting career, Bobby and Steiggy are making fun of how many fucking numbers the Habs have retired. It takes long enough to list them that we win the center faceoff, skate through a Habs defense that was clearly taking bonghits last intermission, and Mattie Cooke gets an unassisted goal BEFORE THE LIST IS FINISHED.

So amazing

NOT SO AMAZING
The Habs go on the PP because of TK, who is just a lightning rod for penalties these days. Vokoun ROBS the Habs, and Gallagher has his hands up in celebration before realizing the puck was in Vokoun's glove. 
The battle rages on, however, and eventually the Habs capitalize just as TK leaves the box.
Blah.


WORST TIMED GOAL
In an effort to prove that you should never get up early to go to the bathroom, and that you should NEVER assume that anything in hockey can't be done with seconds left, the Habs score with .7 seconds left in the second, leading us to a tie game.

The fanboys are deafening. 

They come back in full force early in the third, too.

Seriously, too many goals. 
This is just…
Way too many goals. 

The Oles start happening.
I will set someone's lawn on fire.

MOST EXHAUSTED
Everyone watching this game wins this award.
Kunitz hits one into the net and you don't know if you should scream or cry or cheer or all three. So you do all of the above.

It's tied AGAIN, with 11 entire minutes left, meaning SOMEONE COULD STILL COME OUT OF THIS WITH NO POINTS. Which is terrifying.

Then Sid scores.

Then this happens to your heart compliments of the Habs, for the billionth time.

Still tied. Nothing has changed. You just feel even worse.
Luckily regulation ends without anything else.

MOST SHIT TALK
The few seconds of OT before Sutter FINALLY ENDED IT.


We have never and will never say anything bad about you, sir. 
You are the fire in our loins.

INDIVIDUAL AWARD

We agree.

ALT 3 STARS
Whoever wants them – they are all over the floor and covered in salsa and tears.


THIS CAN NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN, DO YOU UNDERSTAND.
Totally soff.
But we're glad we pulled out of it at the last moment.
But still…
never again.
Go Pens. 

 

Kim

About Kim

I bleed Pittsburgh but also blood and I need that, so please don't cut me.

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