drag me to heaven

NBC at 8pm.  Went grocery shopping and barely made it to puck drop with a hastily-made grilled cheese and tomato soup.  It’s easy to forget the narratives of hockey on a national stage when we’re used to the weed-and-hot-dog-fueled delusions of local play-by-play and color guys.  Doc and Edzo and Pierre are like a penance we pay for living inside our own heads.  It’s like going to Wal-Mart on Black Friday and conducting interviews after not leaving your house for a month.

HARDEST

The first period is a lot of up and down but no one is scoring.  NBC takes this opportunity to get in your face with hard hitting journalism about how injured the Pens are, how young their defensemen are.  They show a turnover by Dumoulin that pretty much could happen to anyone as an example of the Pens’ blueline inexperience and probably stroke Ryan McDonagh’s dick until they can no longer breathe.  wowowowow.

Goalies have been unreal.  Lundqvist and Fleury are both at their best.  But that doesn’t make for entertaining gossip, so everyone talks a lot about Phillip and Ulf Samuelsson and the housework at their summer home that they have riding on this game instead of cold, hard cash.

As they go to commercial when the first period is over, Doc compares Lundqvist’s smoothness to “that banana cream pie you had at lunch.”  Earlier he implied that you could play Zolnierczyk’s name in Scrabble for a lot of points which is bullshit because you can’t do proper nouns and there’s only one Z.

That period basically didn’t happen.

0-0

MOST CONTROVERSIAL OPINION

Pierre reports that Sidney Crosby is going to make Team Canada, barring injury.  Wait.  Hold the phones.  No one is a shoe-in.  He could whip his dick out at camp and walk around Yzerman’s house with a shih tzu in a handbag, muttering to himself about the quality of American peanut butter, and get himself sectioned.  THIS IS NOT A DRILL

Conner got tripped while schooling Justin Falk and a power play finally breaks the weirdness of this game.  Now we have a reason to stay awake.

Another, less controversial opinion, outside of the Olympic speculation, comes from an offside on the Pens PP.  You have to wonder, asks Edzo, why the linesman on the far side made the call and not the one who was actually looking at the puck.

LEAST DRAMA FREE ZONE

Rangers get a PP, pens kill it.  Sid destroys a Rangers defenseman and gets a mini breakaway, almost a penalty shot but a minor penalty gets called for no reason.  There was a crazy, wild moment where you thought Sid was able to shoot it in from his butt.  ALAS.

Lundqvist stands on his head on the ensuing power play for the Pens but, like the girls’ room at lunchtime or in the basement of the under-21 club, crowding in on the bitch you hate is the only way you’re going to get dirt.  Crash the net.  Puck eventually goes in off of Kunitz.  Finally.  Without Gene and James and Kris Letang the Pens can’t afford to be too fancy.  Which, looking at Dumoulin and Niskanen on that first unit. . .. . .  . . . .we almost don’t miss them too much.

1-0.  Things are going to open up now.

WIDEST MAW

Hagelin somehow managed to do what Crosby did and destroy someone.  Dumoulin and Despres got fooled a bit.  THOSE YOUNG DEFENSEMEN OF THE PENS because we haven’t seen five year veterans or, god forbid, Kris Letang, get burned like that before.

1-1 oh

The rest of the period we are just drowning in an avalanche of insightful commentary.  We choke on its essence.

MOST LIKE A GLORIOUS DIAMOND

About midway through the third, the Pens manage to sustain pressure in the Rangers zone over multiple shifts.  McDonagh’s stick broke which led to Crosby passing cross-ice to Dupuis for a layup. 

Derek Dorsett, still our secret husband, is furious. Zach Sill and Dorsett almost fought, a battle that would have probably caused a new fault line to form in the middle of Manhattan, but they both went to the box before it could happen.

Sutter scored after that happened.  Michael del Zotto’s life flashed before his eyes.

3-1

TIGHTEST CLENCHING

Rangers cut the lead in half going end-to-end and crashing the net.  Oh.

With a lineup like this we’re gonna have nights like this, too.

Then the Rangers get a very late PP with under 3 minutes left.  Niskanen in the box.  Maatta carrying the torch for the Penguins on the kill.

THEN

OH:

Ridiculous bad angle shot from Derrick Brassard.  And we’re tied.

Well, we’d get bored if we were just perfect all the time.

THE MOST VAST RIVER OF HUMAN SHIT

Early on in OT, Kunitz is driving the net and for some reason Henrik Lundqivst decides to vacate his net and start walking uptown.  Kunitz tries to avoid him but is getting angled to the boards by Stepan.  Hank stays on the ice a bit and he was clearly sideswiped in the head by accident.

Officials put 2 minutes on the board for Kunitz, saying it’s goaltender interference.  So yeah that’s some fucking bullshit.

When the Rangers win this, it’ll be the division loss piss in your pants feeling.

Fleury remains strong throughout the penalty, thought and it’s killed.

Crosby line comes out after the penalty and makes some beautiful music.  The puck died in the paint between Henrik’s legs after a Sid shot (off of a brilliant Niskanen pass).  The world collapses around Lundqvist’s net and everyone is trying to kill each other.  Literal pile of humans.

NBC is getting its money’s worth with this rivalry Wednesday marketing, eh boys?  Needless to say we’re not sure if an 8pm start time is worth it.

And it’s going to shootout, too, because no one wants me to get any trash TV watching in before bed.  Shut up.

MOST PERSISTENT ATTEMPTS TO KEEP ME FROM CRAWLING IN BED AND DYING

first we get to see a trainer giving a latex-gloved neck massage to Hank.  Oh.  Oh okay.  We’re not uncomfortable at all.

Kunitz, Jokinen, and Crosby will shoot for the Pens.  Zuccarello, Nash, and Moore will shoot for the Rags.

MAF makes a flawless save on Zuccarello.

Jussi is denied by Hank, fresh from his glove massage.

Rick emerges from his lair in Cheeto Nation only to see the beauteous glove of Marc-Andre Fleury.

Here comes Sid.  He shot it pretty god damn quick.  Nope from Lundqvist though.

Dominic Moore has never shot on MAF before.  Fun fact.  NOPE.  Similar strategy to Sid with the quick shot.

Kunitz got poke-checked.

MAF stopped Brad Richards.

Dupes will go next for the Pens.  And he is also denied.

(THIS REALLY ISN’T GOING WELL)

We think Pouliot missed.

Here comes Brandon Sutter, he of the golden goal from earlier.

AND HAHAHAHHA HE BURIES IT.

I am not sitting another moment at my computer waiting for a Getty licensed photo of this shootout to appear on the Internet so I can steal it, so I’ll go to the well here:

(“merry christmas from heaven” an original blingee from blingee.com)

BYE

i’m too tired for three stars formatting

1. maf

2. olli

3. dumoulin, just to piss off nbc

go pens

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

Quantcast