family dinner in new jersey

OH.  HELLO.  YOU'RE EARLY.

 

Folks, we're with MSG tonight because we can't handle the stress of not seeing the game on TV, and we have Gamecenter Live now so ya'll can suck it.  "And it's all about his eyes" is an amazing line by Chico that was actually just said about Sidney Crosby.  They also showed a sexy shot of Jagr shrugging his shoulders.  And a sexy shot of Paul Martin's face.  sexy sexy sexy HD television. 

MOST LIKELY TO BE YOUR DAD

Brodeur is planning early for Christmas dinner and basting up the ham real nice, just like dad used to do.  Peter Harrold has to fetch Dad his favorite pineapple slices and basting brush, not to mention a nice whiskey.  Pens get an early power play because Zubrus was caught sneaking nips of schnapps in the basement.  Nothing happens during it because why would it?  Pens get like two chances but Marty has the oven temperature just right.  But if Uncle Jaromir shows up will everyone notice that you have his eyes?

 

MOST QUESTIONS 

Why aren't we angry?  Why doesn't it burn?

Chico says "WOW IS MARTY HOT RIGHT NOW!"  By which we assume he means the ham baking.  But god, it's delicious.  We might be fucked.  These could be the end times.  Marty is pretty dialed in.  Maatta is back in pimp strut mode, but James Neal takes a penalty.  Uncle Jaromir shows up with the bottle of chianti.  Patrik Elias (who also might be Bilbo Baggins) has also arrived to dinner.

Great movement on the Devils PP but nothing happens.  Adam Henrique gets too cozy with Chris on the back porch and the Pens get a late PP.  Someone in the Prudential Center has an air horn and is trying to start an industrial band at a carnival with it.

OH

So despite all of this family drama at dinner the Pens are playing really well.

Still, a deflection goal:

 

18 seconds left.  Okay.  Rough.  MAF clearly didn't do what he needed to do with that sweet potato casserole.

Devils broadcast throws us a bone by showing empty seats and an adorable child in a Whalers cap at intermission.  We will survive.

MOST IMPORTANT THING THAT COUNTED

Chico quote: "really it's the ones that get into the net that count."  We weren't sure about that one but it's good to have the clarification.

MAF is still all up in this business though.

Chico was prophetic.  Kunitz on a fucking breakaway and Marty tries to pokecheck which backfires on him.  The ham might be sticking, guys.

 

 

the linesman looks like he is throwing up

1-1

Somehow this game isn't boring.  Don't quote us on that yet.  

Bernier gets a breakaway of his own but MAF was like LOLOLOLOLOLOL STOP WITH THE COOKIES IT'S NOT TIME FOR YOUR DESSERT YET

He has to do it again later after the officials miss a puck that goes into the netting when Ryder gets all up in his business.  He was like LOL SILLY.  We're not watching ROOT but we're sure Steigerwald died and had to change into his emergency pants.

Malkin causes us to need our own emergency pants by almost getting a shot off with five Devils converging on him.  Dinner is getting busy.

AGAIN THOUGH

Gamecenter is always behind, in case you didn't know, so we have been learning about the late period Devils goals from Twitter by accident after being lulled into a false sense of security.  Adam Larsson flips a puck past Fleury after a play develops quickly and there appears to be some confusion.  

So it's 2-1 via Swedish kid at the end of the second.

 

No idea what is up with MAF exactly.  Hot and cold.  Like a southwestern Pennsylvania awkward pasta salad.  His team isn't helping him out a ton though.

CLOSEST TO DEATH 

It's the wine and pie segment of the evening, which can become particularly challenging when trying to defend your life decisions.  Crosby high sticks Zubrus and it's a double minor, shit.  Hugest possible kill.  MAF needs to be up to the task.  Makes one big save on the first penalty.  Second penalty begins tense along the boards.  Pens almost get a shorty 2 on 1 but it's offside.

Devils are buzzing like crazy and Pens come up with some good aggressive plays including a huge block by Maatta.

Marty makes a big time stop on Paul Martin.  Brutal. When the Pens get a PP, they come as close as humanly possible to scoring.  Jesus.  Kind of a must score situation, isn't it?  You'd think?  Brodeur is basically a brick wall of solid ham right now.

SLOWEST HATE 

God we didn't hate the Devils until that penalty kill.  Which mostly made us yell at Gene for not being able to hold the blueline, jesus.

Refs then call Larsson for delay of game who is having some kind of crazy Swedish defenseman hat trick–goal, huge block, and a puck over the glass.  He's a regular.  Nothing happens.  However, we're beginning to feel hate, and that's really what matters.

Let's talk about Jagr for a second.

 

fuck this

3-1

REAL TALK via garageleague.  Letang watched the last unicorn die last night and tonight he has to watch that unicorn's corpse danced upon.  That unicorn is his feelings.

There's no way the Pens are gonna store two goals, so if you're smart, you'll start getting ready to go out for a drink.

HAHAHAHHAHA WE'RE ALL DONE HERE

[pic]

jagr 4-1

bye

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD

 

MOM EVEN SAID

Malkin has not been good for the last few weeks.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS

1. THE HAM, WHICH TURNED OUT AMAZING

 

2. Adam Larsson for being qt

3. Sidney Crosby – one of these days your kingdom will return to you

okay, go pens, yeah?

 

 

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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