All kinds of drama leading up to this game.
Malkin is back from his concussion. Praise Curry.
Beau Bennett was suddenly demoted most likely to make roster space since Zach Boychuk is taking up space on the roster on waivers until noon tomorrow.
Sorry Zach we adored your energy but it Just Wasn't Happening.
SPEAKING OF ENERGY: we more or less agree with The Pensblog's take on why TK is even allowed to play anymore. We're not on the "fire/trade anyone" bandwagon at the moment, mostly because we try to remain as objective as diehard, irreverent Penguins fans can be, and also because we don't believe we can do anything better than Rejean Shero except possibly birth children, drink bourbon, and host a dinner party (really he strikes us as more of a gin type, right?). But the coaching situation could do with a good long look in the mirror and maybe some illegal street boxing to get their dander up.
And man, Brother fucking Steven and Co. is here again.
Okay fine. Fine.
BLESSING IN MOST EXTENSIVE DISGUISE
This game is a very slow start. Everyone is just gently farting around.
James and Brandon get some almost-chances but if anyone has gotten a puck on net in a serious way that'd be news to us.
Then Malkin's line has a fucking three on two and Engelland fought someone whose name is literally Pierre-Cedric Labrie. Way to screw that up, guys.
There's an offensive zone faceoff after that, though. Kunitz gets set up by Sid as Brother Steven is trying to initiate the Bible-camp team-building exercise. Kunitz with the one-timer. He doesn't miss. We'd like to say that Engo meant to do that but we can't exactly.
Dog dick happens until Fleury has to make some big time saves on Stamkos and Conacher.
MOST OMINOUS SOUNDS
Kris Letang hits the pipe after a sequence where the Pens were trapped in their own zone for a long time. Somehow the Lightning manage to both not score and take a penalty. Remind you of another high-scoring team you know?
Keith Aulie interfered with someone after the pipe happened because everyone was scared. Damn.
The crowd wants this real bad, they're going "ohhhh" and Steiggy is talking about how Crosby is "aware" of Brother Steven–ONE WOULD HOPE SO. PP looks like it wants blood but fizzles pretty quickly. Welp that's the end of that eh boys. Somehow Tyler Kennedy is given a shift. Crombeen gets free, makes some unrealistic move, and hits the post himself. We wouldn't be surprised if he sabotaged the trust fall at Bible camp, either.
When we come back from commercial it's 4 on 4. No one explains the issue.
Let's be honest, would you be wholly surprised if the Pens had a defensive breakdown in the last 10 seconds and allowed a goal?
But they don't. Exhale.
Kunitz squints into the distance at intermission, attempting to see the future.
MOMENT THAT GUNSLINGERS ENTERED THE WOODED GLEN
On the Pens PP Mathieu Garon gets hurt somehow. Shit.
Was making the most unreal saves ever on the Pens advantage. Anders Lindback has to come in.
literally two seconds later Hedman begins a rush and Stamkos scores a goal.
The next several minutes are an exercise in hanging on to hope. Except not.
The Egregious Elk floats one in.
Are we done with this period yet because seriously. Apparently it went off of Pyatt's face which is why no one looks thrilled about it. what a mess.
BIGGEST FIRE SALE ON REDEMPTION
Crosby draws another penalty. Someone could score on this. The redemption is everywhere and at drastically lowered prices. Gobs of it. But they don't score.
Crosby's line is in your vag (yeah we went there) making moves, but nothing doing with that either.
Malkin does some unreal moves to get through everyone, except the eight people in the paint. Not scoring on that either.
Is anyone going to do anything ever?
Letang symbolically taps Adam Hall's butt over and over again, as if some kind of secret pattern or involuntary twitch, without motivation or cause.
Gauging the mood of the team by the intermission interview is always really fun.
Sid has his best I-look-amiable-but-really-I'm-plotting-murder face on.
So maybe this will be interesting.
Nisky interferes with someone i.e. takes them down by the face with his hand. Not cool. Not cool at all. Crucial kill. Engo is in the trenches smoking his last cigarette in the rain. This Christian retreat has taken a terrible turn.
Fleury unreal save at the end of the PP. It's over. Or is it? Orpik is hurt, Lecavalier railroaded him. Things aren't looking so good. Why aren't they blowing the whistle? No one knows.
Gene shows up. Takes the puck from brewer. Makes some unbelievable move to avoid everyone who is diving in his path. Absolutely brutalizes Lindback. Oh my sweet word.
You're too busy trying to come down from your orgasm when Sid catches Stamkos doing nothing with the puck in the offensive zone and takes it ahead himself. Pass to Letang. Letang takes it wide around Lightning defenders trying to block his shot. Sid somehow manages to go unchecked. Around the other side of the net, Letang sees him wide open. Pass. Snipe. We all died. We literally all died.
The rest of the period is an exercise in keeping the bunker safe.
Just constantly clearing the puck. Forcing it back out to center.
Malkin handed it to Neal for the empty net.
"GUYS WE DID IT"
We're not sure when Bible camp will reopen.
It could be awhile. There's a lot of bullet holes in the cabin walls.
For once, the Pens didn't play like total ass and be the team to snap some other people's losing streak. Oh but they did let Brother Steven score another goal at the end. What the fuck was with that.
This game was bizarre. Glad Crosby and Malkin can feast on dark matter to come up with beautiful highlight reel goals that make us weep and hug ourselves.
SEAN COURTURIER MEMORIAL TROPHY
This is our special trophy for rookies who are/think they are/are touted to be hot shit.
It's for you, Conacher. All for you.
Also apparently is a Type 1 diabetic and must wear an insulin pump during the hockey game. (Interesting tidbit from Steigerwald somehow.) Thaaaat must be fucking weird. Power to you Conacher.
Good job Conacher. We don't seethe for you as much as we seethed for Courturier his rookie year but you have a similar-ish rookie spirits.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. The person who took this pic of Sid scoring his goal because holy fuck it is amazing
2. Chris Kunitz, silent monster
3. Ryan Malone
we miss you kinda
but you play for Tampa, so.
we look forward to being reunited with Beau and getting to the bottom of the Bible camp massacre
GO PENS etc.