We know it’s Staals tonight but we won’t be drinking. We have more than enough to deal with. Look at this sad sadness:
We could drown our sorrows in vodka but we also might die. Homemade french dip will probably alleviate the sorrow.
Everyone hates the Canes and think they are awful, apparently. Canes got an early PP after Engo fought some asshole. Eric Staal (drink if you’re paying attention) goes to the box 30 seconds after Craigsy obviously slashed someone, probably because he forgot he was human.
Then Chris Kunitz gently touched Jeff Skinner and Skinner was felled like the tiniest flower. Errey with the diver accusations but in the most loving way possible.
But that doesn’t stop the Canes 4 on 3 goal:
LEAST LIKELY TO
If you told us like five minutes ago that Bortuzzo was gonna go to the net for a tap-in, we would have gently chuckled at you the way we gently chuckle and are past the point of caring about the assholes who comment on the Pens Instagram. But he went to the net on Peters and Dupuis fed him a pass. Bye.
further inspection indicates that Bort may also be a velociraptor.
MOST PROBLEMS SOLVED
We were ready to start modifying our picnic guest list (Jeff Skinner no longer invited ever) and chalk the rest of the first up to ancient curses and a few too many Moon Pies, but Jokinen got a puck up to Brenden Morrow after a Canes turnover at the blueline. Morrow was basically one-on-one in the slot with some dickbag. Backhand-forehand and an absolutely nasty shot. He fell while he was scoring. Brooks got him the puck. His first as a Pen–it’s moments like these we kind of live for.
2-1 feels pretty good right about now.
This guy’s name is Bob Sanguinetti which sounds like a name from Harry Potter or True Blood.
Canes faceoff win. Just got it to the net. Uhhhhh.
Canes celebrate. We just feel icky.
next shift Douglas Murray almost scored and we had already named the triplets.
EACH STAAL BROTHER HAS AN ASSIST, Steiggy says. That’s worth at least a shot or two. Rest of the period, there are flashes of something–like catching your heart in your throat when Malkin and Iginla are passing to each other–but nothing much. Feels like we’ve already been here for 8 years.
MOMENT EVERYTHING WAS BEDTIME STORIES
steiggy and errey started telling stories about Finnish people to deal with the uneventful moments that were the first 10 minutes of the second period. Two teams just trying to score but not super jammed up about it yet. Peters and Fleury both holding the fort. Pens get a PP but not much is going on. Jeff Skinner thinks his mother is a bit late bringing him his warm milk, throws a tantrum. . .or slashes someone. Would be interesting to see. . .something. Anything.
Morrow got us excited right before the penalty call by driving to the net like his life depended on it.
Jokinen and Malkin almost made Serious Magic at the tail end of the PP but nothing was going on. Skinner out of the box almost gets a break. Errey says the Canes fans have awakened from their naps and realized that Brooks Orpik exists still. Cue Erik Cole reference.
Jordan has played more minutes in this game than his brother Eric to start the third. Imagine that.
Pens got into some trouble behind their own net. Who the hell is Riley Nash? all alone in front.
MOMENT YOU WOKE UP
Pens grinders have something going. Beau Bennett is out there making magic with Craigsy and Tanner. Beau went to the net. Nifty backhander. Rebound goes off of some Cane though we had some fleeting hope that Tanner Glass got his butt on it. Nothing doing with that dream. But BeauBeau hasn’t lost a step.
Next shift Malkin and Iginla come out. They went to the net. Malkin would have done anything to get to that puck. Pretty much anything. He ended up wildly poking it in while one-handing his stick.
All of a sudden it is 4-3. Gene has completed his spirit quest.
bitches we still here.
blah blah Canes pull Peters and the Pens defend the net like champs.
Dupes gets the empty net.
We don’t understand this game but we’ll damn well try. We think we just had to find the monster within. Eric Staal remembers. It’s a young monster now. But we’ll watch it grow.
PENS WIN 5-3 BYE
YOU KNOW WHO WE ALWAYS FORGET ABOUT
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Mark Eaton. Our favorite American soldier. +3
2. Brooksie. Seems to be back to his old self a little tiny bit and was a +4 this evening.
4. Admiral Adams, because when Admiral Adams has had a multi-point game, it is a very special and hallowed night indeed.
Go make your babies.