tangradi sucks

goodnight sweet atlantapeg

The new Die Hard probably would have gotten better reviews if they cast Craig Adams.
The Tangradi Affair took over this game story-wise and was a wet fart on the whole proceedings.
But we had to keep the engagement lively for the benefit of all that attended.
Hey Winnipeg it’s so cold in you. We’re sorry.

BEACON OF MOST HOPE AND MOMENT WE WISH WE COULD TAKE BACK
Winnipeg crowd is doing the weird things they always do like chanting the goalie name when their team is in the DEFENSIVE ZONE and booing when Crosby has the puck because fuck that guy. Are they not part of Canada? Did they not want that Olympic Gold medal or something?
Enstrom went down the runway an did not return to the game at all after a very early, routine-looking hit from Dupuis.
We’re sorry Toby and also about all the references to your long stick lost this game, never to return to time and space.
But MAF was showing early flashes of his game being unfuckingbelievable.

Hope swells because this might not be another night we had to dick around in Manitoba for no reward.

TOO MUCH MAN: A SERIES
First, for some reason, Engo tries to fight Chris Thorburn. We assume the cause of the fight was breakfast-cereal-related since it didn’t seem to be related to the game. But that’s okay.

On his off-days Chris Thorburn uses his hair to direct truckers on lonely Manitoba highways. He helps them swerve to avoid moose.

Then Joe Vitale skated through eight people with the confidence of a Roman centurion. No one even knows what to do. He gets it to the net, Ondrej flops around a bit, and Craig needs three whacks at it to get it in because a bunch fo Jets’ sticks are in the way as opposed to, I dunno, trying to clear the crease. Despite general incompetence, it still counts.

oh happy day

MOST LIKE A BAD REVENGE/EXPLOITATION FILM WITH ANTIFEMINIST NARRATIVE FROM THE 1960’s
Eric Tangradi decides he’s going to start “having words” withe everyone. Like Niskanen. Then he punches Ktang in the face because apparently he is testing his limits to see what he can get away with. Then after a Pens PK he tries to rock Simon.

impact player amirite

With Errey vocally comparing Fleury to a scorpion thanks to his big time saves, one must wonder if we’ve traveled into a cinematic land of magic and debauchery.

Oh to be a scorpion.

MOST MEAT ON YOUR PLATE
Early second period, MAF is still locked in. We decide, as a group, to discuss man meat with Steiggy and Errey.

“that’s a lotta beef” someone said. We think Steiggy.
some Jets are big and some Jets are small and other Jets are in the middle. Brilliant insight by ROOT sports. Just a really amazing graphic.
Craig has to fight someone because they went after Nisky.
We suspect that the Protectorate of the Mustache kept him safe in these dark times.

Craig intimidates Wright enough that it doesn’t happen again.
Shortly thereafter we get one of those classic sequences from Gene that remind us why we love him so, even at his worst. He blocked some shot, then came charging up ice, smoked the shit out of Zach Bogosian, and almost made Pavelec’s whole life flash before his eyes.
This is like eating a pork loin. Oh also when Beau Bennett laid down to block a shot, blocked it with his face, and then tapped it out of the zone with his stick. The force is strong in this one. Just. We are so spoiled right now.

THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM

Joey V making unreal faces at intermission soothes our souls before the third. Thank god.

THE PERIOD THAT FELT MOST LIKE AN EXORCISM
The Pens could have easily blown this period and we wouldn’t have been overly surprised.
There’s a funny story about how the hotel didn’t know Tangradi had been traded so there was a key labeled Tangradi and they gave it to Beau instead and then he found Eric Tangradi in the room. We hope nobody was naked.

I got this unbelievable screenshot which leads me to believe that dark spirits were involved.

Errey commences yelling about MAF some more and how he is an Eagle and his claws are out or is it talons, Steiggy? God people complain about these two and sometimes they don’t call the game worth shit but it’s like having two dudes in your house passing you Iron City as you alternatively laugh and cry and sometimes that’s what we want.
Zach Redmond (some good Jets kid on D) gets a bullshit interference penalty and everyone knows it’s a bad call. Then Stuart gets his stick caught up in Letang for the most obvious tripping penalty of all time.

Bizarre penalty box reaction.
The Pens 5 on 3 PP vomits on itself, obviously. Finally they gain the zone and don’t manage to get backed up by the three Jets and after some gratuitous passing James Neal decides he’s going to bury it.

‘scuse me over here Chris I’m kind of balling too hard for you right now
it’s 2-0 but there are still five minutes left to fuck this up.

By “this” I mean MAF’s shutout or the entire game.
Andrew Ladd gives us a hand.

Just a really good play by the Jets that finally got MAF out of position, and they didn’t miss. Also Kris Letang iced it without aiming for the empty net well enough so everyone blamed him. Whatever
but god damn it though.

HERO WITH THE MOST GUERINESQUE BEARD
With Pavelec pulled, Craig finally doesn’t miss.
3-1 bye.
In his postgame, we see flashes of Bill Guerin in his beard. We know what is coming.

Oh Craigsy.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MOST LIKE FRESH DRIVEN SNOW

We lit a candle for Beau’s soul last night. Welcome to the NHL.


“THAT GUY” AT THE BAR

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Brooks because 600. He did get away with high-sticking that guy but it was a total accident.
looking to the heavens:

2. Joey V. Fucking seriously. as if you could be more perfect.
3. Beau fucking Bennett obviously

in Buffalo on Sunday. what even is that.

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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