Three games before the madness. Just three. Buffalo is in town for the next-to-last home game of the season. And Buffalo sucks this season. Ryan Miller’s tears have taken up residence in the local Greyhound station. And we have Gene back, and Letang back, and Fleury back. ROOT, we expect a babby photo. Bobby is looking particularly earnest between the benches:
My oh my.[[MORE]]
MOST IMPROPERLY ERECT SWAGGER
Out of the gate, Gene almost buries one on Miller. He is fucking starving for points, hitting Nisky with some kind of ridiculous pass for a one timer. Steiggy goes so far as to describe Malkin as “frisky.” Scandalous.
Jochen probably does not want Gene to get too frisky w/ him.
Honestly a game like this, to us, could be a perfect trap for the Penguins. Who were also frankly embarrassed by Buffalo last time they met. But this is a different night. Did we mention BeauBeau is back too? Our California lover has returned. And TK Pony Go is scratched.
Malkin has a God Mode shift. Unfortunately Ryan Miller appears to be awake. We’ll have to get through Silver if it kills us.
PRETTIEST THING WE DISCOVERED WHILE WAITING FOR SOMETHING TO HAPPEN IN THIS GAME
Nisky accepting his Good Guy Award like he would a second-choice but very cute prom date. We all know that Mattie should win the Hart of Hearts.
blah blah blah Thomas Vanek scored. All alone in the slot. REALLY. No one even thought about Thomas Vane. No one even knew Thomas Vanek had ever been born apparently. This is looking fun isn’t it?
THE RYAN MILLER MEMORIAL OF TEARS AND SNOT LTD
Next rush Ryan Miller also forgot that he had ever been born. Even that he had appendages and human form. Totally didn’t even try on what looked like an easy glove save for RyRy from Chris Kunitz who has 22 fucking goals.
Maybe we can give Ryan some conciliatory picnic tickets. They’re going fast ladies and gents. Get your PH picnic tickets while they last.
aaaand we’re tied.
The rest of the period is uninteresting. Promise.
where the fuck is Brooks Orpik
we barely have time to think about it because we are apparently being dazzled by Malkin and also Dustin Jeffrey who looks like some kind of Selke winner. Speaking of, why didn’t Jordan Staal ever win the Selke? He may never have the chance again.
Buffalo thought they scored but they didn’t. Calling some kind of interference on Vanek, who has knitted too many woolen cock cozies today. Legit call. If Letang is hurt on the next sequence though it is tantamount to attack on a unicorn sanctuary.
Better end this award before the stormcloud gains friends and followers.
BEST DAD EVER
MAF stood up to make a breakaway save on Vanek. Nope. MAF is going to win some kind of award for being the most amazing father in human history. We can tell.
Then Letang went to the locker room after getting hit high. Luckily he returns during the TV timeout otherwise we would have been picketing the streets. It’s okay though. The unicorn blood is safe. Lord Voldemort will not rise again.
Breaking news: Douglas Murray’s head is still large. A baby of his would be hard to birth.
DO THE SABRES HAVE A PLAYER NAMED BREW-WHEEVIL OR SOMETHING
We can’t understand a word Steiggy is saying. The Pens almost score 5000 times. There still isn’t much happening that we can even talk about but we did do some serious research while this was all going on:
oh okay that really clears things up for us. Here is a selection from Chad Ruhwedel’s Twitter which we would like to submit as an exhibit to the Hockey Hall of Fame as an exhibit of the quintessential hockey player Tweet. They like to mention each other and use hashtags made of food. That’s really the peak of the experience. We’re happy that Chad is from California, though. Very happy about it.
— Chad Ruhwedel (@cdiesel3) April 17, 2013
That’s just poety, Chad. Really eloquent.
Bennett drew some kind of penalty and then Ott started shouting and was kicked out for 10 minutes. We can only assume that he was Very Offended by what happened on a Very Personal level.
The rest of the period is dot dot dot.
PERIOD WITH THE MOST QUESTIONS
we have no idea what is going to happen. Pens don’t seem to have quality shots on goal to rub together despite how well they seem to be passing and getting in the slot etc. The Sabres are just over the season and want to go to a farm sanctuary.
They score, though, apparently.
Shortly thereafter the news drops on Twitter that Orpik will not return. Could be not a big deal. Better safe than sorry. Ennis has a massive giveaway to Malkin and it looks like he’s off to the races in one of those beautiful moments–but it was not meant to be.
Mark Eaton even tried to have some kind of Crosbyesque shift down low. That’s what this game is about apparently. We have no idea what is going to happen. The Sabres threw the puck out of the rink with their bare hands because that is how bad they are, that’s a penalty.
anyway, Iggy came here for a reason. He’s gonna one time a game-tying power play goal:
We don’t have any pics of the goal yet and it’s late so here is Gene looking like a baby giraffe who just fell down:
which I mean answers our main question.
MOST DICKS IN YOUR MOUTH
Ott thinks he scored. We’ll see about that, says the crossbar.
Yep: Steve Ott. It’s always Steve Ott.
Toronto comes on our faces. It’s a goal. Why did you do it Devorski.
Pens have some Serious Business shifts to try to tie it up, but it wasn’t meant to be.
Vanek knits some special baubles onto his cock cozy and sheathes it in velvet for the empty netter.
the Sabres are the only team that can beat the Pens apparently.
MOST LIKELY TO BE JORDAN STAAL IN A SKINSUIT OR PERHAPS INHABITED BY HIS SPIRIT BECAUSE ~DAMN SON~ THAT TWO WAY GAME WAS PRODIGIOUS
DJ. remember when he used to wear 42? those were the days.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Ktang, five shots, 28 minutes. hard to argue.
2. Evgeni – for some reason he won a lot of faceoffs. Good for him.
3. Mark Eaton. Deliver us from evil amen.