zach

high fiving a million angels.

Well, well, well.
We all had sand in our vaginas on Thursday about that messy win – no one likes to clean up at the special Olympics when they aren't actually "special."
We called for drama, we called for change, we called for Tangradi's head on a plate!
We got pretty much all of that.
Not saying we look excellent or anything, but we look like we're taking steps to fix obvious problems. That makes us proud. A team that stagnates in mediocrity we are not. 

It's Saturday. Let's get on with this.
These mimosas won't drink themselves.

MOST LIKELY TO GET DATE RAPED AT A FRAT PARTY
(Probably one that we're throwing.)

Oh, hey there.
You new around here?
We can show you the ropes. Trust us. All the cool kids are doing it. 

Ohhhh little Boychuk. That smile. That speed. That tiny little height measurement. That way that you make Tangradi totally irrelevant.
We think this is the beginning of something magical. 
We spend a lot of time complaining. One of those things we complain about is the NHL's refusal to recognize talent that mills around in the farm teams. We'll consider this little number an early Valentine's Day treat – watching a ?/Malkin/Neal line that doesn't make us sob into a pillow as we watch it fail time after time. 
 

MOST PIECES A HEART CAN BE IN

Well that's definitely too dramatic. But onward.
The first period looks pretty okay. There's this point at which our defense breaks down into dick suckery and we all throw up our arms and say "THIS AGAIN?!" but MAF shuts it down and we step back from the ledge on our roof. A few penalties are thrown in and the theme is predicable – our PK is pretty solid, our PP leaves a lot to be desired.
All of a sudden, Christmas Ham has some sort of obesity meltdown. The net, it is free. 
Sutter takes the chance.

Some useless Deb steps on our dream like it's a poisonous spider. 
We're starting to get worried.
Calm down, past selves.
It'll be okay.

OVERSTUFFED HAM AWARD
Speaking of Christmas Ham, at the beginning of the second we really take it to him. He makes a few nice glove saves, but the momentum is sort of obvious.

Sutter gets it in for his first goal as a Penguin. Look at Hammy.
This photo, as it happens, also wins the "Best Conga Line" photo contest at congalines4ever.tumblr.com
That is also not a real thing.

MOST HILARIOUS TOM FOOLERY
Volchenkov must be kidding when he does some kind of horrible pass maneuver that goes wonderfully astray.
Kunitz snaps it up, shoots it past the Ham. Goes in easily and unassisted.

We hear Kunitz has the flu or some shit, too.
If that's how the flu goes nowadays, sneeze this way, please.

MOST USELESS
We all feel pretty shitty about a 2 goal lead by this point. We've been having a rough time nailing it down when we're ahead.
Our nightmare starts to come true when Elias is sent to the box for holding. A little of this, a little of that, and before we know it

Short handed goal. 
Ughhhh.

We go into intermission with that terrible feeling in our stomachs.
You know what, if we get the flu in a non-Kunitz way, it may be deserved. Doubt is a haters game.
We should have known what trash this goal would be. 

BEAUTIFUL SWAN AWARD
The third period starts off looking mighty good and eases our nerves just a bit.
Boychuk and Malkin are adorable together. James Neal is ruining dreams by not allowing any Deb to skate near him without a bone crushing hit.
Kunitz works some more flu-magic and finds Letang in exactly the right spot,
Tanger gets it in, and he gets it in good.
He once again becomes the dreamboat of all women from western PA. Even those Fayettenam gals.

Yup mamma, this gon' be my weddin' gown when I gets married to that fancy haired man on the t.v.

Bortuzzo almost gets one in shortly after. Sid knocks at to try to keep up the fire. It doesn't happen just yet, but then,

GASOLINE ON THE FIRE

Sid shows us what he's all about when momentum is in our favor and the puck is handed to him.
Absolute sniper shot. Just…really out of this world.
We thought it was all we'd get. But what's a sundae without a cherry?

BEST RECOVERY FROM TERRIBLE PHOTOS THE WHOLE GAME
Bortuzzo brought us such classics as these, this afternoon:


But ain't no one gonna care when you get your first career NHL goal.
Good job.

PENS 5, DEBS 1

 

INDIVIDUAL AWARD

LEAST IMPRESSED

Man. 

ALT 3 STARS
1. Christmas Ham. For the lolz.
2. Kunitz. Deserves two stars.
3. Boychuk. For being a change of pace. And calling Sutter Suttsy.


On the upswing?
We hope.
Winning the Cup, obv.
Go Pens.

Kim

About Kim

I bleed Pittsburgh but also blood and I need that, so please don't cut me.

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