how do you get the stains out?

The Flyers are 3-1 since Ray Emery assaulted Braden Holtby in such a way that, in the civilized world, would have gotten him arrested.  So apparently that was a great moment for the Flyers organization.

So this is pretty amazing.  50% of PH Staff and Our Friend Laynie are actually in the stands for this shit.  But the rest of us have NBC.  And this is one of those games that makes the entire hockey world hate the Penguins because it's on national TV and that's clearly our fault.

Pierre opens the game by asking James Neal why Malkin doesn't have a goal in 10 games.  Right.  James Neal clearly knows.

We don't want to give awards.  But something of the moment dictates it.

LEAST TIME YOU HAD TO PREPARE FOR A PREGNANCY BUT THEN IT TURNED OUT THE TEST WAS WRONG SO IT WAS KIND OF OKAY?

Crosby's line starts against Giroux.  Crosby makes Coburn and Timonen look like old wooden remnants of an ancient pier.  Emery makes a big save but a rebound later and Kunitz has deflected it in!  Wooooo!

Apparently there was a distinct kicking motion, though, so you don't have to rearrange your life around the existence of this goal.

 

Early goings has the matchup of the Giroux line with Coburn/Timonen against the Crosby line looking absolutely brutal for Philly.  Wonder how long it'll take them to adjust.  Could be like a sitting duck at Fort Necessity over here.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT 

hey the Flyers have Lecavalier.  lol

MOST TYPICAL BEHAVIOR 

Brayden Schenn goes all Schenn on Fleury and trips him up from behind, possibly by total accident.  It's their culture.  That's a penalty.  Power play sucks dicks though.  Everything is starting to settle back down into familiar territory.

With about four minutes left, the Flyers have a hell of a shift.  Tanner Glass kills himself to save goals, but of course, the Pens clear, and the next shift Brayden Schenn completes a full circle and scores the stupid stupid goal

 

This goal is so stupid.  I wish I could describe it.  But I can't.  Pens were tired and it was just one of those perfect storm things where it just Happened and it was Fate and 

 

via penstone, a guy in orange pants and a Wayne Simmonds t-shirt.  really.

Does this happen to other NHL teams all the time?  Come out flying, something lame happens (like a disallowed goal) and then the other team just delivers a kill shot?  An early one at that, that the Pens never quite recover from?  DOES THIS USUALLY HAPPEN?  IS THAT WHAT WILL HAPPEN TONIGHT?

MOST POPULAR OPINION

 

The Trib and PG have such an odd relationship with the Pens.  Thanks, Josh.

Another popular opinion is that Letang is emotionally unstable.  in certain situations, that means he can get it up to do something even when everyone else is playing like they missed their afternoon applesauce feeding.  He's also probably the only Penguin on the ice right now, sans Crosby, willing to do anything unconventional.  Keeps going deep on plays.  He does it again early second period and Crosby covers up on the back end.  Forces Emery to do his job–and draws another penalty.  Craig Adams was also on the ice.  ??? we'll take it.  But we'd have to actually use the power play for its intended purpose.

MOST IMPROVED 

Of course, Sid and Gene can take care of that for us.  Of course.

Pens run a good power play and actually work hard on the goal.  Malkin gets a puck along the wall and makes a good pass to Sid, who sneakily parked his butt in front of Emery.  How the Flyers leave Sidney Crosby in front of the net undefended is beyond us, but we will take it, because we need it.

 

Kim got a really good angle of this:

 

More from Laynie, on a topical note:

 

that sounds pretty hot clearly.

OH GOD WAIT UP THE PRESS STOOD UP FOR THIS ONE

 

pretty good.

Pens get another PP, probably as some kind of metaphysical way to make up for this sign.

Doesn't happen on that PP, but at least we're not following the Doom Narrative again.

CLOSEST YOU CAME TO THROWING UP 

Sid had a breakaway but was kind of on an angle.  Emery made a huge save, but Crosby also didn't get much of a chance to make a move on him.  Shortly thereafter, Engo takes a penalty, which is now a bigger deal because he's on D.  Pierre plays a bizarre compliment to Bylsma's coaching by stating that Vitale got the nod on the PK because Brandon Sutter "hasn't had it going on."  Deep analysis.

Dupuis made some unreal play on the PK to break up a pass but is now going to get his mustache penalized for a weak ass slash.  NBC is actually in awe that it is a penalty.  Hartnell and his mustache also took a penalty but it was an actual cross check.  Bort goes off for something too.  BRANDON SUTTER TROTTED OUT FOR THE 5 on 3 FACEOFF LIKE THE SHOW PONY HE IS, according to Pierre and Edzo.

Adams fucking destroys souls on the penalty kill.

SCHENN YOU MOST WANT TO GO TO HELL

second opportunities though, don't discount them.  The mustache mayhem will not stand.  still a power play for Philly.

 

We would love to play a "Where's Waldo" type game but with Sean Couturier's mouth in busy photographs.  DO YOU SEE THE SINGLE TOOTH OUTPOSTS

so it's 2-1

blame the refs?  Blame Mr. and Mrs. Schenn?

apparently it was Letang's fault.  He should wash his hair.

Mad dash at the end of the period when Crosby and Malkin and Kunitz almost take it all home.  Emery holds the line though and everyone tries to eat each other's families across space and time at the end of the period.  Jeez.

MOST STAUNCH REFUSAL TO PLAY TWENTY MINUTES OF BORING ASS HOCKEY

The Flyers want to dial this shit in like the Devils in the mid 90's.  But the Penguins don't want that.  Bylsma calls a timeout that isn't idiotic and settles everyone down after a couple of icing calls.

Crosby draws a penalty on Couturier after.  But no, no dice with that either.

A little bit later Malkin has one of the better shots all evening but Emery has his number.

Anyway, the Pens are trying.  They tried to the bitter end.

But time ran out.  At least we didn't let them take the Oldsmobile in the divorce, right?

Pens lose.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MOST LIKE THE ABYSS

 

Brayden Schenn as the gravitational pull from Craig Berube's mouth begins to suck the fragments of his sanity from this dimension to the next

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS

1. Gene - for trying the most

2. Beau Bennett - for trying the second most

3. Kimmo Timonen - for being old.

We've turned the "answer" feature on for this post.  Feel free to leave us a comment with your favorite method of removing unseemly stains from silk, or anything else on your mind. go pens

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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