Don’t treat it like a chore.  Treat it like a mission.

The Rangers are down 3-0 to the Bruins because they can’t do anything right and the Bruins are using black magic and craft beer to curry favor with the hockey gods.  LA/SJS series is tied.  Detroit is embarrassing Chicago little by little.  We need to be part of this dance, this dance that feels real for the first time in years.

NBC is gonna show the anthem.  And we have Jussi and BeauBeau in for this shit–Vitale, Morrow, and Glass are out.  And Cory Conacher is out for Ottawa.  No idea why.  Don’t care.

That’s just housekeeping so you remember what the circumstances are regardless of this game’s outcome.  Remember the news trickling in regardless of what kind of sobbing you’re going to be doing later.

Gonch interfered with someone like first shift.  Settle in for another PP.  Sens look composed.  MacLean’s face is seriously some kind of Enigma of Kaspar Hauser nightmare. 

Sens fans might be booing Letang?  They definitely cheer him when Pens finally get a cycle going and Letang clears it out himself.

So like.

Then this shit happens where Alfredsson springs Michalek and Letang and Malkin totally didn’t give a shit on the breakaway.  Amazing pass by the captain–but also like.  Apparent apathy on the play by Letang and Gene.

Out of control celebration.  Just electricccc

Probably the worst thing that could have happened.  It’s possible that Scotiabank Place is trying to chant Fleury.  They’ve got the crowd into it now.  We’re doomed.

Bit of a flurry by Malkin’s line shortly thereafter.  Colin Greening got a huge erection and took another interference penalty on Letang.  Senators could probably build a strategy to win this game around taking stupid penalties.

There’s some kind of inhuman roar when the puck drops for that PP faceoff.  Letang and Malkin have been denied PP privileges–or so we like to think but really they just needed a rest.  First unit comes out with Nisky and Paul Martin.  Sens still killing it–but they aren’t getting any scoring chances so it’s an improvement.

Anderson is a brick fucking wall.  Looks like an MVP.  Crosby has the best look at the net of all time and appears to miss the net.  Malkin and Letang are allowed back on the ice.  Anderson is dialed in, robotic, unconscious, and nothing else will get past him unless the Pens do something.

Crosby gets a 2 on 1 and a rebound chance to boot.  LOL NO
Anderson is unconsciously fucking good right now.  Nothing is getting past him.
Pens are indeed the better team unless you count the most apathetic performance ever on a shorty.

Finally they caught Anderson sleeping.  No one even noticed.  James Neal off the motherfucking faceoff.  No one saw it.  It was in and out like the worst sex of your life.  But we’ll take it, gingerbeard prince.  We’ll fucking take it.  Just give us a son.

Everything might be okay but

Something happens.  Turris:

Look at this fucking photo.  Turris is a pig in shit who has just flopped into a field of clover, sullying it forever.

look at that face
Letang needs a nap or something.  Or unicorn rehab.  Too many rainbows.  
Next shift Pens get an unbelievable cycle going but nothing doing.  Gotta build off of that–but of course the period ends.  Luckily, Malkin had just turned the puck over, so we don’t have to suffer through the consequences.

Second period begins.  Someone hit Karlsson and he acted like he was dead.

Senators got lazy playing their own game and Kunitz got a serious breakaway.  Mike Lange has been adamant all night that Anderson has been showing five hole and that’s where Kunitz put it.

my god

Well this helps, doesn’t it?

Next shift, Pens get a little sloppy and get the dirty goal they’ve always wanted. Iggy city picking up trash around a suddenly rattled Anderson:

No idea what the Senators said to each other at intermission.  “Who wants to go to CPK? These guys suck.”

3-2 quite suddenly.  Arena is morgue-like.

Teams trading chances or something after the goal, trying to get over the shock.

Paul Martin and Brandon Sutter have some kind of god mode shift but Martin has trouble corralling a pass for the kill shot.

Lines/pairings are all over the place.

Koun seems to have gently found his legs again and is about to smother people with his beard.

No idea what happened because of my bad Internet but Kunitz is apparently out.  We feel like Chris Kunitz would be the one to pull the sword of Gryffindor from a lake.  We miss him a lot.

Cooke gets called for something ridiculous with about a minute and a half left.  He gently caressed another man.  Paul Martin gets super aggressive with Kyle Turris, makes the Sens PP look dumb singlehandedly.

Karlsson hit a post big time.  But almost don’t count.  Next time Vokoun is ready and lays his body on the puck as if it is a tiny baby during the London Blitz.  We get out of the period alive.

Beginning the third, the Sens still have some PP.  And Kunitz is back on the bench.  We can get past this.

Still can’t shake that feeling of triumph when the Sens get penalized.  Our old friend Sergei is a -3 in this game and he decided to cross check Matt Cooke in the head.

But for once we don’t seem intimidated by the wild men in the woods.  Malkin with some kind of insane pass to James Neal who buries it.  You guys: Nealer is awake.

4-2 on that one.

You get kind of a bad feeling after that that the Pens might let the Sen hang around.  Niskanen almost killed someone.  That’s gonna be a penalty.

Against your heart, against all hope: on the kill, the best thing ever happened.

Cooke blocked a shot and he protects the puck all the way even though he’s being chased by Captain Alfredsson.  Anderson went for the pokecheck and Cooke came out from behind the net. . .and Dupes was just there.  Cooke flips it in front to Dupes.  Wide open net.  Literally no one was paying attention.  Wow.

Anderson reaction photos are the saddest things.  We usually feel bad for goalies.  Especially ones who actually can steal games.

Still.  Next sequence.  Crosby manages to chase Anderson, his demon from the last game.  Rushes up ice and just drags the puck around three Senators on his backhand.  Waits waits waits.  Off the post and in.  Possibly the most beautiful goal ever and it might be because we’re biased but wow.

I can’t find a pic of the goal and I don’t sleep anymore so you should probably just watch it.  Like eight times.

wow wow wow

6-2 that fast.

Then Chris Neil took a penalty because he’s Chris Neil.  But we should probably celebrate his 2000++ penalty minutes because they’re doing everyone a lot of good.

faceoff win in Sens zone.  Letang to Iggy to snipejob.


Are you kidding? It’s 7-2.

Apparently Kunitz went back to the room.  So he’s def hurt a bit.  But well enough to play a game 4 in a non-elimination situation if needed.  Pens then take a penalty of their own.  Just under 7 left.  It’s an anti-American conspiracy–took Lange a minute to figure out if it was Pauly or Mark Eaton who got penalized for whatever

Alfredsson gets a goal (deflection of Karlsson shot) to make it 7-3 and to make everyone feel better.  Pens call a timeout because they can.  Sens fans still flip out at the goal announcement in the arena.  Good Sens fans.  Good to see you care.

Pens get penalized again.  Jokinen was in a “personal battle” with Pageau according to Lange.  Sounds naughty.  Alfredsson gets in a Mood though and hauls down Orpik.  Maybe just trying to not let his team get too complacent.  Maybe it’s leadership.

After that penalty call Scotiabank Place played S&M by Rihanna and we’re always so skeptical about this because they just play the “na na na na na na come on” part but not the part that claims to be about S&M and we have a Complaint about that because it’s like trying to cheat.  You’re playing a song that is basically Disney for kinky sex and try to act like you’re not playing it.  It’s like censoring a cat licking its butt.

And that’s our final comment on this game.  That’s what Scotiabank Place gave its, all things told, relatively classy fans to take with them into the dark spring night.

Could be the penultimate game of the series.

Could be we’re going to a fucking pig roast on Friday.


About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. Writing about the Penguins, the CWHL/women's hockey, and hockey/sports media criticism.