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in which PH gets drunk

So yeah, Jordan and Eric Staal. This is the first game versus Jordan Staal since he was traded and we know that Steiggy and Errey and the rest of ROOT Sports will milk this for all it is worth. THE DRAMA. THE MEMORIES~~~~~
SPECIAL STAAL BROTHERS DRINKING GAME RULES NOW THAT UNCLE JORDY IS A WHALER
1. Drinking begins at puck drop.
2. So this doesn't count:


 3. It's a work night so we're playing a lite version. I have made a nasty bloody Mary and will take 2 sips for every mention of a Staal or anything Staal-related.  
4. Advanced drinkers, take a shot.
5. If a Staal or Brandon Sutter scores a goal, finish your drink or take 2 shots.

all right, everyone?

7:08 PM: JORDAN STAAL FACES OFF AGAINST BRANDON SUTTER.  A FAMILIAR SIGHT STAAL PROTECTING THE PUCK ALONG THE WALL.  THE SHOT BY STAAL.  HOLY SHIT WE'RE DEAD     PROTECTING IT WITH HIS LONG REACH     we can conflate some of these mentions into single mentions HOLY SHIT

7:10PM: ERIC STAAL WAS DUMPED.  AND KRIS LETANG DOESN'T LIKE IT

7:11PM: Chad LaRose negates the Canes PP.  omg chad you are the worst.  he approaches brooks from behind because he cannot face brooks head on.  CHAD LAROSE IS SMALL GUYS

7:12PM: Pens committed an egregious giveaway.  Fleury whipped out the pokecheck.

7:13PM: insert a rule here where you throw your drink across the room when Cam Ward tries to invite himself to our derby party

7:15PM: chad larose is on the ice.  GOTTA BE CAREFUL

7:15PM: JORDAN STAAL PLAYED WITH MATT COOKE AND TYLER KENNEDY FOR ALL THOSE YEARS

7:16PM: insert a rule here about Gordie Dwyer?

serious ginger

7:17PM: MAF in your mouth

7:20: JORDAN STAAL MARRIED HEATHER IN THUNDER BAY ONTARIO ON THE SAME DAY HE WAS TRADED TO THE HURRICANE LIVING 3 MINUTES AWAY FROM HIS BROTHER ERIC BY CAR AND STOPS OVER TO VISIT ERIC'S TWO SONS AND THEY TALK HOCKEY
really the only thing missing is the sod farm
errey mentions $60 million and can't even form words because he is laughing so hard

7:22: ERIC STAAL THINKS ALEXANDER SEMIN HAS A GREAT MIND

7:23: Joe Vitale trying to kill someone. ALSO STAAL AND STAAL DRINK AGAIN

7:24 Pens PP.  Jordy is lurking but is not mentioned.  yet

7:25: ERIC STAAL IN FRONT OF HIS OWN NET also apparently Errey thinks Cam Ward got ripped off for being born on Leap Day.  poor Cammycakes but no you still can't come to our derby party

7:25PM again: STAAAAALLLL threw it right thru the paint BUT WHICH STAAL STEIGGY

7:27PM WHAT THE FUCK TIM WALLACE IS IN THIS GAME  TIM WALLACE THE ALASKAN STORM

7:28PM sushi delivery man might have been able to tell i am already drunk

7:29PM fleury is dialed the fuck in.  CHRIS KUNITZ COMES BACK THE OTHER WAY AND SCORES IN CAM WARD'S FAVORITE SEERSUCKER JACKET
1-0 PENS
great pass from sid

7:34: pens took some penalty.  welp

7:35: eric staal killing a penalty.  drinkkk  JORDAN STAAAAL

7:37pm: crosby gently caressed tim gleason's butt also eric staal

7:38PM steiggy prob just put the jynx on fleury. let's pray otherwise.

7:41PM: Bob Errey wishes happy birthday to his mother in law, who is apparently a Pittsburgh woman.  Bobby met a Pittsburgh woman and married her.  Apparently Bibster's mother in law is a bad omen because Semin scores.  MOTHER OF GOD.  24 seconds left.
IT LOOKED LIKE STAAL HE'S GOT THE LONGEST STICK I'VE EVER SEEN ERIC STAAL
wtf bobby
it's 1-1.

OH MY GOD DID ERIC STAAL TIP THAT IN

FINISH YOUR DRINK

7:43PM: jesus Cooke goes into the boards really awkwardly and even though it looks like somewhat of an accident Craig Adams, Hero comes to his aid with an itty bitty cross check
THIS IS A LOT OF BLOODY MARY TO FINISH YOU GUYS

7:48PM: person from berkeley, california, i see you!  do you want to be friends?  could you be Boise?  (We once had a visitor from Boise who would be on for 40-80 minutes per night and we miss them dearly.  They vanished one day.  If you know who Boise is you are urged to contact us directly.)

8:02PM next drink is ready to go

8:04PM: don't even know how we're on the power play.  maybe the refs are finally in our pockets

8:05PM Kim has joined our broadcast and has insinuated that Boise is dead.  Sorry, Boise.

8:06PM really glad sutter hit the post because this is a full glass right now

8:09 JORDAN STAAL WITH A FAMILIAR MOVE   something about his big body.  drink ya'll    STALL CLEANED UP HIS OWN ZONE

8:10 holy shit i thought staal scored again but fucking jiri tlusty
it's 2-1
this looks like the Pens from. . .well January

8:11PM ERIC STAAL IS JUST SO GOOD HIS STICK IS EXTRAORDINARILY GOOD  drink

8:14PM JEFF SKINNER YOU ARE TWELVE YEARS OLD YOU ARE DRUNK WHERE IS YOUR MOTHER

obv it's 3-1 CANES

drink at will

8:15PM Dan Bylsma using his 30 second timeout before the game is already lost?  NO REALLY i think that's worth a shot on its own.  In celebration.  because jesus

8:20PM Cooke had a breakaway on Cammycakes.  IT'S ALWAYS MATT COOKE ON THE FUCKING BREAKAWAY

8:23PM Pens take a hooking call.  But Jeff Skinner goes off for Embellishment, the best penalty in hockey.

 

DUPES HIT THE POST JESUS CHRIST

8:24PM "brooks orpik takes a piece of larose" sounds gross

8:28PM ROOT does a graphic of quotes on the Staal-Sutter trade.  and Staal is identified as Shero's first ever pick.  And they say how many games he played. holy fuq
STAAL'S WRIST SHOT

they're STILL GOING ON ABOUT UNCLE JORDY

omg so many drinks

8:32PM eric staal interfered with someone.  COME ON POWER PLAY.

8:34 "WENT FROM A SUTTER WORLD TO A STAAL WORLD OF COURSE"

holy fuck

really glad we're not drinking for sutters but then STEIGGY TURNED IT AROUND ON US

8:36 RAT BASTARD CAM WARD, he of the memorial trophy
why is it only the second period omg

8:37 Pens get too much man.  They send Beau to the box to try to confuse everyone, thinking he might not read as "man" because he is babby.  Oh how wrong they are.

8:39 errey wants a shortie.  oh bobby us too.  some eric staal mentions earlier

8:42 ERIC STAAL WON ANOTHER BATTLE.  WATCH STAAL
Tlusy buries it fuck
4-1 CANES
every time we do this it is bad luck.
thank god it's intermission because no

INTERMISSION MUSIC AND PSA

you might know that I am a graduate of Emerson College and apparently this guy named George Watsky also did and he does these fucking unreal rap albums which you should listen to because they inspire HOPE

THE HATERS LOVE TO FUCK WITH ME
pick up some fucking goals, guys.

THE PENGUINS WERE DOWN 4-1 THE OTHER NIGHT
hey i mean this is a different fucking night

9:02PM tlusty looking for the hat trick. barf


9:05PM Joe Vitale takes a penalty.  THIS TREASON WILL NOT STAND.  stupid call

9:07PM fleury turnover. . . . .to a staaaaallllll (drink)

9:10PM the way the pens are playing you'd think they are intimidated by the 2008 red wings all over again

9:12PM the world is falling apart.  Jeff Skinner took a penalty because someone forgot to cut the crusts off of his peanut butter sammich
officials obviously have it out for Skinner

9:13PM JORDAN STAAL WILL PUSH THE ENVELOPE SHORTHANDED SPECIALIST IN HIS ROOKIE CAMPAGIN 

9:14PM ATTENTION AMERICA TIM WALLACE ISN'T GONNA SCORE SHORTHANDED EVER

9:15  joe vitale is perfect.  still.

9:16PM bortuzzo tries to attack larose and skinner.  welpppppppp good jobbbbbb guysssssss

9:18PM slowly but surely the jerkcity story is making it back into PH lore.

ALSO

SPECIAL DRINKING EVENT FOR THE INEVITABLE MENTION OF WHEN BROOKS ORPIK BROKE ERIK COLE'S SPINE

9:24PM allusion to the fact that therrien prefers Colby Armstrong

9:29PM JORDAN STAAAALLLLL NOT VISIBLE THAT OFTEN except in our livers.

9:32 sid almost scores but is stoned by cam and then makes some unrealistic pass.  Bobby says it was "worth the price of admission for me."  BOBBY YOU GET PAID TO DO THIS

9:33PM bobby and steiggy have been completely oblivious to the fact that Martin has not been playing

"BOBBY'S LOSING HIS MIND UP HERE IN THE BOOTH"

9:35 Bortuzzo gets beat up by Harrison.  ://////

9:36 STAAL THE STAALS WELL THEY STALLED JORDAN STAAL BUT NOT ERIC STAAL HE WAS THE HORSE IN THIS GAME.  HE WAS THE BIG BROTHER

1:20 left I think we can all finish our drinks.

mother of god, you guys.

what a mess.

9:38PM pens almost score at the end but welp

chug that shit.

GOODNIGHT, RALEIGH

sorry, boys.  Get your heads together.  You do realize that you can't control what other people do, right?  You can only control what YOU do.  Advice of the century; all take heed.

GO PENS
one of these days. . .

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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