tanner is my bro

it’s a run on the building and loan

So yeah, the Pens went all in, while you slept, in the wee hours of the morning. Iginla's goal totals are enough to get you wet while looking at Wikipedia.
Quick notes: Malkin's back tonight with Atlantapeg in Pittsburgh, Fleury is injured still (sources seemed to hint "neck strain"–he was well enough to be at morning skate) so we called up Jeff Zatkoff aka the dude who is carrying the load in WBS aka demi-Curry, Tang is out with a broken toe idk.
No need to rush Fleury back at this point–if Vokoun holds steady and Zatkoff is ready for the show we'll be fine for a few games if need be.

Iginla is Canadian and from personal experience we know that Americans don't want Canadians coming in and doing their subtle Canadian shit in God's Country (hahagsdjt0wehyjglmvlsd) so apparently he is going to have a prob getting to Pittsburgh. Can't wait.

Douglas Murray and Brenden Morrow are in the mix, though.

We do have our skepticism. We hate when people act like the Pens are going to win the Cup automatically. People who say this about any hockey team should probably have to go to some kind of special boot camp.
Also, shaking lineups up on a win streak is a bizarre risky move. But it's a huge statement. Bylsma and Shero proved beyond a reasonable doubt in 2011 that they can coach and GM a skeleton crew of AHLers and goons into the playoffs, but the playoffs are a different dance. The Pens are going hard to prove that first round exits are unacceptable–they're going hard to prove, basically, that they will not be the shell of a thing that the Washington Capitals have become. Regular season success is meaningless.

Anyway, Winnipeg is leading their division. How, what, excuse us? Time to light the lanterns along the darkened path to heaven.
 

WORST EX-BOYFRIENDS FIGHTING YOUR NEW BOYFRIENDS AT THE ROADHOUSE
Eric Tangradi takes a shift and is a stain.
Al Montoya. We remember when you were a Coyote. Why aren't you still again?
Douglas Murray gets his first shot on net as a Penguin.
Pens with giveaways for days to start the game. Jets everywhere. We get the first "stick of Toby Enstrom" of the night but unfortunately it is not described as long.
Murray is getting shots towards the net like a regular fuckin Matt Niskanen. Ummmm yeahhh. Big and slow and slapshot and bye. We'll take a cup of that.

THINGS WE ONLY LEARNED BECAUSE OF REPETITION (NOT)
Steiggy seemingly obsessed with reminding everyone of how fat Byfuglien is.
Maybe the length of Enstrom's stick has lost its lustre.
This game is full of things to say and stories but not a lot of game-changers. Except Vokoun and Montoya, of course.



Other things that are self-evident:
Sid, Malkin, and Kunitz is a nasty forward combination.
Sid and Geno bedazzle the ice with their presence. Jets forwards looking at them down low. Kunitz is on the wall though and comes a bit closer. Sid gives him a completely blind pass behind his back. Kunitz's release is the exact opposite of Murray's skating. Swift. Sleek. Blink-and-you-missed-it. off the pipe and in.
shiiiiitttttt.
Kunitz has 20 goals. how is this even

Jokinen can already tell it's going to be a long night.

1-0

TERROR 2013: THE MOVIE
Dupuis rings one off the pipe and everyone freaks out.
Next shift Malkin's line is swarming.
Goes in off of Gene's skate. A little bit of a combination of garbage and redirect. Malkin just drove the net. Not a kicking motion. Gene looks worried though.
but it's good:


he pointedly slow dances with Niskanen before the goal is made official.

Neal made the pass. They're slowly waking up like the monsters of yesteryear. Eric Staal, on the bench in Carolina, loses the wind out of his lungs. He's seen this before.
Period ends quite suddenly. Kunitz uses the phrase "little holler" in his intermission interview. This is why we love him. One of the reasons.

BIGGEST CIRCUS TENT
Errey has started referring to stick tape in the "candystripe configuration" which sounds way more technical than it actually is.
blah blah blah. Kunitz using the wall to get the puck out of the zone after the Jets flop around a bit. Sid down the wing. To Dupuis. Complete fucking aerial pass. Montoya totally destroyed on that play. Dupuis with the snipejob.
the high pitched wailing you did would wake the dead

3-0
oh okay.
Errey literally whips out the phrase "they're Montoying with them."
Lay off All Montoya. He's trying.
(We maintain a soft spot for all ex-Coyotes.)
Any second now elephants are going to walk onto the ice and someone will start eating knives.

Pens are just puck possession. Just completely surgical. Sid's line has a shift that could be prescribed to expectant mothers. Then Gene's line comes on. How. How.
We really don't know how this is our team but the history of the Pens over the last 25 years or so feels like some kind of bizarre fairy tale. Lemieux gets drafted and all of this comes from that moment. No I swear I'm not drunk.


As we're ruminating this Craigsy takes a tripping penalty because he skated through Burmistrov who was doing nothing. Fine. Killed. Brooks Orpik led a shorthanded rush. It's that kind of game.


Malkin has a shift like the one Sid's line had with Morrow and Neal. They're getting close. Morrow has opened a Shake Shack in Montoya's crease. Beautiful to watch.

MOMENT YOU ENTERED TRANSCENDENTAL SPACE
Slowly floating above the clouds.
Sid is there. We all are there. Pens ice the puck and use their timeout. The silence is golden.
Pens somehow take another penalty. Killing it like usual.
Then Dupuis catches up to a puck before a Jets defenseman. Fastest man in the world. Snipejob. Tanner Glass was wide open and Dupuis feels bad that he didn't pass.

But not that bad:

great look at the shortie:

PERIOD THAT MADE YOU CHECK YOUR VITAL SIGNS
Pens start the third by taking two penalties. Nisky and Orpik no less.
Unlimited 5 on 3. Blocked shots. Paul Martin and Matt Cooke in the trenches. No one can hit the net. Vokoun in everyone's mouth. Niskanen and Brooks can come back. And that's that. How exactly you do a kill like that is an unknown factor. So much of it is mental. Only so much you can do. Two shifts later and Dupuis making a serious bid for his third goal.
Doesn't happen. Chris Thorburn's name mentioned for the first time all night. Doesn't last long.

God we just feel like assholes talking about how amazing the Pens are and not even trying to drown you in metaphors. It's just too easy right now. The Jets are bad apparently.

Murray gets yet another shot on net?
Montoya isn't horrible. Sorry we have to do this to you bro.

A beautiful smear to the ice by Murray on Burmistrov.
Vokoun stones Kyle Wellwood on a breakaway.
Seven and a half minutes.

Morrow wants the puck so bad. So motivated. Six minutes.

MOMENT YOU LAUGHED COLDLY LIKE VOLDEMORT
Eric Tangradi somehow got behind Eaton and got a break. He fired it wide because he is terrible.
That is all.

UHHHH
Dupuis hit the post. Irrelevant now. Looks like we won or something. uhhhhh

pens win~
14 straight (gsitgjsmdfgbw08stuifkdl)
Tomas Vokoun's 50th career shutout.
just really nothing to say. Whole game was domination.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS
HUGEST SWAGGER AND ALSO BALLS AND ALSO SOUL AND ALSO LOVE

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
I almost typed that in lowercase out of laziness before remembering that lowercasing is wrong.

1. Sid.  6 shots, 2 assists, running away with the Art Ross right now.
2. probably Douglas Murray's skull
3. Evander Kane, a -4 on the proceedings

don't want to get too high with this.  The Jets didn't look committed.  They put on some good defense but ultimately Montoya was their last line and he couldn't do it all.  20 shots to 43.  jesus

next game is on Saturday versus the Isles.  We will hopefully be joining you from inside a large margarita and/or Jewish seder wine.

go pens.  fushdfsjaiogjdfoi

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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