it’s an imaginary crown

This season.  What to even say about it?  It feels like a strange dream, an alternate universe.  In which Jussi Jokinen, Jarome Iginla, Brenden Morrow, and Douglas Murray are all Pens.  (It’s a shame they’re here for a short time–we’ve only just gotten used to their fuzzy faces burrowed in our hearts.)  Being tops in the East is a weird feeling.  Being “regular season good” is like a terrible curse.  It’s like being the Caps in 2009.  No one ever wants to be that.  We’ll have to make this work after today.  But a win today would still be good.Let’s give some awards, because they’re meaningless, and it’s worth it.

ALSO BTW LOL WE TAGGED THIS POST WITH THE #CAROLINA HURRICANES IS ANYONE PREPARED TO CRY ABOUT OUR RIGHT TO FREE SPEECH ON THE FUCKING INTERNET?  Hockey is love, ladies and gentlemen.  Hockey is love.

DRUNKEST
So ROOT sports is talking up the Canes having three Staal brothers.
This is the most belligerent family reunion in human history.  There are like eight coolers full of Yuengling and Early Times in the Sons of Italy pavilion right now.  Jokinen playing the Canes, Sutter playing the Canes, Tim Wallace playing the Pens (THE ALASKAN STORM), Staal playing the Pens, Eric Staal and Jared Staal playing each other.  Anyone we missed?  Should we have brought more beer?

Oh and we’ve got PaulMart back AND James Neal.
The real challenge here will be to stay sober.

STAALIEST
Apparently JStaal (Uncle Jordy, not the other one) has been “struggling” this year.  How strange!  Poor Jordy.  Remember when you saved Christmas?
No but the Staaliest is probably Eric.  He took a penalty in the first period to give the Pens a PP.

MOST PARENTING
The PP looks pretty ehhhhh but it’s pretty obvious that Neal and Malkin are back to being soul brothers.  Next rush on the PP, Gene is weaving his way through a pack of Hurricanes off of a pass from James and gets a puck past Peters in one of those beautiful moves we always know he is capable of, even in those moments when he is flailing around and getting his temper.
Oh and guess who got an assist on that goal?  Dad MAF.

Maybe Evgeni should offer to share his parents with PaulMart because it’s his first game back after breaking his hand and he flipped the puck over the glass like immediately after the goal.

It’s okay Pauly we got your back.  And how!  Even a Kuni breakaway after the penalty is over!  Gosh golly gee whiz.

STORMIEST
How did Tim Wallace manage to draw a penalty on Douglas Murray?  Do we really have to play this game?

Well not really because it was like playing even strength basically.  Canes are really bad at this game.

We wish we had more stormy things to announce, but we don’t.  It’s a breezy summer day both on and off the ice.  Let’s hope we don’t start sucking each other’s dicks too soon.

Oh Gene we’ve missed your sweet voice.

PERIOD OF LIGHT IN WHICH WE MAY HAVE GOTTEN TOO COCKY

Neal snipejob eventually.  Canes don’t even know.

2-0

Oh did we mention MAF?  because MAF

Malkin’s line gets 40 chances but none are buried.

MAF makes some ridic save on Eric Staal but a rebound is forced to the stick of Jiri Tlusty.  Apparently the last person to touch it was Westgarth.  Who we care very little about.  So no shutout for Dad.

at least westgarth seems happy

Random: why do red hockey pants always look like they’ve recently been pooped in?

This is no offense to all red hockey pant-wearing teams.  Maybe it is.

LEAST COMPETENT–BUT IT DOESN’T MATTER ANYWAY
Jokinen and Dupes get a 2 on 1.  Jokinen shoots–Peters could have stopped it, but doesn’t.  Jussi gets the juicy (SEE WHAT I DID THERE) rebound from a bad angle.  It floats right in.  God, Jussi.

here is jussi looking super unimpressed with himself

Hearing Jokinen speak, btw, was a jarring experience for me.  I totally forgot that he would have a Finnish accent.  I guess I always saw him as a silent hero.  Why is Peters in this game again?

LEAST GODS IN THE CASTLE
god damn it Tuomo Ruutu.  Fleury makes another excellent save but then gets in trouble. Someone forgot to pick up the Finn.  Easy goal.  Water bottle flying around.

And then there was Westgarth from the point.  Fleury seems rattled.

Come on you guys we’ve gotta win THIS one.  This one is still important.  We have to keep the castle pure.  Letting the Staals get in your mouth is not the way to keep pure.

3-3 to the end of the second.

FATTEST STAAL
It’s obviously Jared.  Jared ran into MAF thinking that he could let McBain score.  But no.  You can’t interfere with the goaltender Jared.  Did they not tell you that while you were playing in the backyard pond?  Possible brother sabotage.

On the ensuing PP, Malkin to Neal to snipejob.  It’s seriously like they missed no time at all.  How are they so flawless together?  It’s obviously witchcraft.

MOST FLAWLESS THING TO EVER HAPPEN
Did we mention something about James and Malkin being perfect together?

Because Gene had another pass for James on the rush and James had another bullet of a shot that Peters apparently could care less about and that’s the fucking hat trick, people.  You have babies inside you.  It was a perfect two on one.

Sutter’s line struts up next shift after they get rid of the hats.

Morrow up in Peters’ kitchen.  Gentle tap-in.  Morrow opens up another Shake Shack in Justin Peters’ nutsack.

he is so happy.

so Sutter is having a much better game than Jordy.  And season.  They showed Jordan on the bench after that goal as if they were reading our minds.  We’re sorry Jordy but maybe you should have thought of this before.

Pens kill another penalty that doesn’t feel like a penalty.  Welp

JUST ADDING INSULT TO INJURY
Mattie felt he had some demons to exorcise after this ridiculous week of the entire Northeast Division trying to burn him in effigy.

Geno-esque move.  it works b/c it’s Peters.

blah blah blah

Dupes snuck up on everyone to score an 8th goal because the Canes are awful.

8-something

SPECIAL REPORT: SHIRTS OFF OUR BACKS IS THE FUCKING BEST.

we’re busy crying

here is beau with a small girl

and craigsy with a small girl

and malkin with a li’l dude

and stevemac with another li’l dude OKAY WE’LL STOP NOW

well actually not after we show you this bad screenshot (but the best we got) of Vitale Girl aka Zoë’s soul sister

SHE IS PERFECT

oh yeah the pens won btw

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

LEAST DESIREABLE

Chad LaRose just stop.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS


1. Brendan’s face

2. Joe Vitale’s suit

3. This lady.

still gotta figure out who we play first round

GO PENS

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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