First and foremost:
Plz no. Just…no.
Nooooooooooooooo hockey is a funtimes gameeeeeee.
Let’s just get to the awards. Our nightmares will catch up with us later.
MOMENT YOU WONDERED IF SANTA IS AS DEAD AS GOD
At the start of the game Glencross tries to hit Maatta behind the net and something goes wrong with his life. His leg got caught under him as he crashed into the endboards, and he eventually heads down the runway.
Kunitz gives up a turnover and Backlund gets a good chance, but Santa is on our side and MAF (Santa’s favorite elf, actually) shuts it down.
Your Christmas spirit is shaken, however, when Jokinen gets a lovely pass to Neal, who tries out a nice one-timer that CLANGASD;FKJNASDKJF right off the far post.
That photo is really disturbing tbqh, we’re kinda sorry.
FANCIEST TRASH PICKUP
Dupes tries to be a classy dude and goes for a wraparound but it is destined by the gods to to be. No matter, Sid tries to pick it up but Ramo lols all over. Too bad he was still busy lollin when Dupes came back in to reclaim his destiny.
CUTEST FIRST TIME
About a minute later, Bortuzzo tries a one timer that gets blocked by D and Zolnierczyk cashes in. It’s his first time with us, and we were gentle and considerate.
We wrap up the first two ahead and giddy with feels.
MOMENT WE DRINK TO FORGET
A thing happened with MAF and it was tragic and we don’t want to remember it so if you didn’t see it, good on you. 2-1
THE LITTLE PUCK THAT WENT TO OUTER FUCKING SPACE
I’m going to get a little controversial here and say what we all want to say: Sidney Crosby is the Beyonce of hockey. He’s not One of Us; he isn’t human. Also, dem thighs.
Anyway, on that subject, Despres forced a turnover and Kunitz gets the puck to Sid. Sid makes Brodie’s brain explode, jets into the zone and slams the puck right past Ramo’s glove. From there, it rips space and time, creates a tiny black hole, and was last seen jettisoning past the space station.
That is the face of a man thinking “meh, I could do better.” WHAT.
STRANGEST CREDIT GLITCH
Nisky takes a pass from Sid and throws it at the cage. It deflects off of Brodie’s stick and into the net. It was a really pretty shot. Neal is randomly credited. I mean, a goal’s a goal, but Nisky killed it on that play. Word on the street is that the credit may make it’s way over to him, but we’re just happy we could make it into the third period with it being four one-
Cammalleri uses the final minute of the game to absolutely undress Nisky and get a wrister right past MAF. It’s a really wonderful play and Niksy is left blushing in the corner.
The Penguins welcome the third by allowing Hudler to prance around in the field of daisies that is the slot. MAF cries silently, lonely and lost at the picnic. Hudler easily gets it behind him.
Penguins D shows up twenty minutes late with the juiceboxes, but by then MAF is already dehydrated and talking to snails.It’s a one goal game.
SOREST TOOTH SKIN
The Pens manage to hold it down for the rest of the third, but not without a horrifying moment wherein Colborne nearly gets one past MAF’s skate. The final buzzer stokes our hair and whispers that it’s okay.
We’re sorry about that santa photo. The internet is a scary place and you don’t need to face that in wholesome hockey reporting.
ALT THREE STARS
MAF- Let some bad ones in, but was also abandoned and alone and scared we want to hold his hand.
Nisky- We’ll make some calls about that goal.
Snails- MAF’s spirit animal. Gawwww.
All in all a pretty cool game for our 306th straight sellout (what whaaaat.)
Snails are weirdly adorable.
Let’s keep up the streak.