We’re never sure if we’re in Florida to play the Bolts or to take a gander at brother Steven’s watch collection, but tonight we were pretty sure it’s for hockey. Still, if Stamkos starts whispering to you just tell him No I Am Not Interested unless you want to spend your evening listening to him lament about the fall of Italian craftsmanship. That’s time you can’t get back, boys and girls.
Also keep an eye on Bugsy – we hear he muscled Marcel Goc into buying a timeshare in Clearwater.
Craigsy by nature gives off an air of masculine whimsy – maybe he longs for the enticing and unknowable force of nature that is the sea. Malone understands that this may be his chance and wastes no time.
“Have you heard of Caladesi Island, just off the coassssst of Clearwater?” he hisses. ”It’s a sea angler’ssss dream.”
Craigsy spits blood as he tries to ignore the seemingly impossible low price of one week a year.
MOST GAG-INDUCED CRYING
We figure that we don’t need to play 5 on 5 hockey because reasons. So we spend time with the Lightning so far down our throats we choke up all our daddy issues, but as always, we manage to suppress the pain and kill ‘em. It doesn’t help too much when Filppula’s not-distinct-enough kick lands the puck in the net.
OBVIOUSLY MOST IMPORTANT
Bobby and Steiggy spend too much time wondering if it’s called dressing or stuffing and Bobby tries to talk his way into getting two Thanksgivings. The munchies have set in pretty hard. They muse about Canadian pilgrims. Bobby isn’t sure. Bonghit, bonghit, bonghit. It’s fucking October, you guys, omfg.
Jussi gets a fat chance but it’s narrowly saved by “the 6’6 giant” which is I guess a thing we are saying in professional sportscasting now. The rest of the first is drown out by the sound of twin bubblers being fired up in the press box.
Bugsy gets a misconduct for more sleezy salesmanship, leading to some absolute undressing (not unstuffing) happens in the Bolt’s zone and Sid assists himself by kicking the puck to his stick because when you are royalty/a deity you can do shit like that. From there, he goes five hole and ties it up.
Unfortunately Brother Steven decides to return the favor and does some really fuckin’ pretty work in our end that lands them in the lead again. Whisper your fears into the night sky and hope they are heard by the secret police that patrol this area on nights such as these.
MOMENT YOU DIED AND WERE ENVELOPED IN THE WARM BOSOM OF JESUS CHRIST HIMSELF
BROOKS:KLFJDFFLKDSkkkkksdsssfnvnjmdkj I mean okay props to Kunitz for also being a total part of this but OMGAKJDFS BROOKS.
MOST DANGEROUS JOURNEY
We exchange penalties all day erryday because Tampa. Just in case you forgot what playing the Lightning is like, Salo finally cashes in and it becomes clear that it is one of those games. We don’t know why it ends up like this every time we play them but we’re putting all our chips on “drugs”.
Knowing which kind of drugs they are on a given night could probably help us avoid about a billion penalties and back-and-forth goals, but we don’t have that information. A blind oracle on top of a mountain somewhere probably has that information if you’re looking for it. Remember to bring some Tostitos Lime, it’s a long journey littered with the bones of those who tried to find him before (mostly Max Talbot). Or just trade MAF a juicebox for the answer, probably. He’s a dad now.
Somehow not awarded to the oracle on the mountain top, this one goes to Brooks during his intermission interview:
If you were The Mentalist, you would know that this is the exact expression that means “You think I’m awesome, watch what Sid does when we get back out there.”
Well played, Brooks. Well played.
MOST SINCERE PROMISE
If the Isles score next, I will kill everyone and myself.
OH HEY THANKS FOR THE HATTIE SID YA KNOW I DIDN’T REALLY FEEL LIKE GOING THROUGH THE EFFORT OF KILLING EVERYONE.
As a side note, the easiest way to kill everyone would just be suggesting taking a shot every time you heard the measurement “6’6″ in this game.
OH BUT WAIT,
look at that the Lightning score again and tie it up what a surprise. Interestingly enough, Brother Steven broke a skate and an official actually helped him off of the ice – potentially a large factor in the goal being scored. We could bitch all day about it, but really, knowing the type of game this is, they probably would have scored eventually anyway because if god is alive, he hates -
MOST FOOT INSERTED INTO MOUTH
(Right here there should be a picture of the Nisky goal that saved us in the final seconds of the game, but the media is taking forever and Zoe suggested I give you this instead.)
Sorry guys, god may actually be alive and sort of in love with us.
Please pass the Visine to Steiggy and Bobby.
ALT THREE STARS
Bugsy – Great sales pitch, bro.
Craigsy – Way to keep your head above water and avoid that contract.
The ref that helped brother Steven – lol
Can we please just never go back to Tampa?
We made it out alive and with all of our limbs this time, but who knows what will happen if we risk it again?
We’ll win the game, sure. But at what cost? At. What. Cost.