like a real fuckin cheap cigar

It's like if you drink enough and squint at the Pens app on your preferred smartphone OS and think "maybe we won this one"?  *squint squint* maybe I can transpose the 4 and the 3?  Maybe if you squint REALLY FUCKING HARD.

MOST DECEPTIVE OFFENSE  

After quite a bit of back and forth, the Coward, Matt Moulson, he who thought the line brawl Pens-Isles game in 2011 was "entertaining" and "a great win" (no I'm never going to let that tweet go) manages to get one past Zatkoff after a good shift by his line.  Scuds was powerless to stop this, so Orpik attacked Moulson as a parting gift.

 

oh honey that is just rough

and so the defense begins its secret mission, which is to look like they didn't know there was a test today and try to get excused to the nurse's office because of a "stomachache"

Still, we think there is hope, because after a failure of a PP a few minutes later Jussi taps home a rebound and this still has a chance to be regular.

Yeah. . .regular.  Like a good bowel day in a personal care home.

 

Still, for now, the danger is not too deep.  We can outscore these guys for sure.

The story of the game is that the Pens had 80 power plays and couldn't do anything with them.  We saw the beginnings of this in the first period.  We saw the monster.  John Tavares probably thinks he is the monster now.  Frans Nielsen is pure and good, we blame him for none of this.  However, you'll note that the Isles literally were GOING AFTER FACES at the end of the first, got penalized for roughing. . .the Pens did nothing about it.

going

after

faces

BY THE WAY, GOD CALLING, HOLD THE PHONES, CALL FROM GOD COMING THROUGH

The Pens didn't do anything on the power play, but Sid swooped in to make sure that we still had a chance to not look like fucking idiots.  His shot is ridiculous.  At the end of the world, we imagine there is Sidney Crosby, and Mount Doom.  Other people, get in line.  This pic is just some photographer remarking on Sid's beauty because as far as we can tell the press didn't photograph his goal.

MOST LIKELY TO TELL HER HE MISSES DAMIEN, ROBBY, AND THE BABY AND WANTS TO MOVE BACK IN WITH HIS BABYMAMA

Pens draw some more penalties but seem almost completely incapable of caring, as if paranormal forces are sucking their confidence and channeling it elsewhere in the city, like to some kid pumpin jams at the Sheetz parking lot and waiting for his ex-gf to show up for her evening Faygo.

Despite all of this the Pens exit the second period with a lead.  Listen, it could be worse.

MOST FERVENT SEARCH FOR GOD AND ENLIGHTENMENT

We basically see Frans Nielsen as the bodhisattva of hockey.  He's not achieving nirvana yet because everyone else isn't there, and he must wait.

While scoring baller goals in between.  Nasty goal by him to tie the game.  So it's 2-2.

 

noble truths

MOST UNLIKELY TO  

Deryk fucking Engelland at forward.  Came like a bat out of hell into Nabby's kitchen and fooled him into giving up all the cookies.

 

 

Even if you told Zoë (she who actually owns an Engelland jersey) that the most important goal of the game for the Pens would be scored by Deryk Engelland she would have snorted into a beer.

so it's 3-2 with seven minutes left and all we have to do is play defense and hold this lead.  Woo!

MOMENT YOU PUT YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS OUT TO PASTURE FOR THE NIGHT  

 

Off a Niskanen turnover Bouchard buries it.  Guy who looks kind of like K.C. from Degrassi there in the middle has a deep feeling.

Fun fact: I typically follow the game along with Seth Rorabaugh's liveblog at Empty Netters and refer back to my own notes and Seth's timestamps in order to finish a post.  Rare moment of total confusion from Seth:

What in the world is happening?  This is insane. – 6:05 left, 3rd period

MOMENT YOU TOOK A SHOTGUN OUT TO YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS TO PUT THEM OUT OF THEIR MISERY BEFORE THE WINTER (except it's October so not really)

Letang makes a dumbassed play (slapper from the point when there isn't in fact a shot there?? ok) and the play goes the other way to lose the game for everyone.

 

yikes

Zatkoff played well but this guy is just not getting a break or giving himself any.

so, fuck

yeah we lost

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MOST ALARMIST

Yours truly, because I had this fear that Letang coming back would make the defense suck and I know it's one game but my heart hurts

ONLY MAN WHO CAN SAVE US NOW

 

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS

1. Chris Kunitz - 9 shots

2. Nabokov - did what he had to do despite getting finally owned by Crosby in the regular season that one time

3. Maatta - this is your pity star for the fact that we're sorry that the season is really starting now and you're going to be facing a lot of new criticism and hardship and we're sorry they took Bort from you and we're sorry about Kris we'll try some positive talk therapy with the group and report back to you

as i sit here in my fuzzy bathrobe building a bunker

go pens

 

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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