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metaphysical suicide part 8

Pens hadn't won at home in regulation against the Caps since 2007 going into tonight.
You know this fucking game. The game where the Pens have been having trouble at home lately, the Caps are on a losing streak, and are thirsty for blood. This is a game where Ovechkin scores some big-time backbreaking goal that you think about every now and then for the next decade. This is a game so hard and fast and scary and poorly conceived that you're thinking of bottling its mood and selling it to companies that make fake-snuff-tape pornos.
Except the Caps kinda suck this year. Like really suck dicks. Real bad. Remember when it was their time? Remember when they "arrived"? It's like the Caps organization always thought it was digging to the molten 24k gold core at the center of the earth inhabited by leprechauns and the world's reserve of Funfetti and the Stanley Cup and champagne handmade by angels when really they're just going to find a lot of bones and poop. I feel like everyone else predicted this and we've all sat idly by and watched them diminish.
The Washington Capitals WERE a good team. No idea what's happened to them.
But I mean we needed this okay if the team in the basement of the NHL beats you at home when you haven't won at home yet I feel like that's bad news.
The Caps can have a midseason revelation and score 8 goals during some Panthers game and we can all call it a night.

DEFENSEMEN: FREE TO A GOOD HOME
The Pens traded Ben Lovejoy to Anaheim for a pick and our tears could drown a litter of puppies.
But we called up Dylan Reese who seems okay and we could get into him, you know, as a human. Observe.

So yeah that happened.
OH NOT TO MENTION KRIS LETANG IS HURT THAT'S THE WHOLE REASON DYLAN IS HERE DID YOU CATCH THAT
god forbid it's something serious or hundreds of middle-aged men will have their Norris pick invalidated. Also we will cry.

GOAL NOBODY LIKED PROBABLY NOT EVEN RIBIERO THAT MUCH
This is kind of a bizarre NHL role in action. Fleury got knocked down (mostly by Orpik's stick maybe but also a little bit by Our Polish Boyfriend Wojtek and his mask comes flying off.
according to NHL rules, the whistle blows immediately if HIS team has the puck and he can put his mask back on. If the opposing team has the puck and there is an "impending, imminent" scoring chance, play continues.
We don't get it because it'd seem waaay more pertinent to make sure a goaltender doesn't get his face taken off by a slapshot than to preserve a potential scoring chance from his opponent. But whatever. It's in the rule book. It counts. Officials made the right call. still a dick move but after we stop yelling we'll sleep at night.

The 1-0 score carries the Caps through the first and we're like shit this could become a problem.

MOST LIKE MILK-SOAKED ANIMAL CRACKERS
The Caps in the second.
what the fuck did they do.
Early on, you kinda get a feeling as Gene pushes a nasty backhander wide that something is going to happen this period.
Pens get a PP. Gene with the filthiest shot we've seen a Penguin do all season totally smokes Neuvirth. but it would probably smoke anyone who has ever won multiple Vezinas, too. Kinda jiggled his way down the circle and placed it ever so neatly just inside the far post. Wow.

At this point, some of the Penguins (Brooks, Tanner) realize that the Caps are not in fact soggy animal crackers but possibly real prey. They start hunting in a pack. Tanner distracts them while Brooks finds his favorite vein.
After this goal someone on the Caps bench must have started sobbing because the emotional meltdown they suffered was contagious and swift.
Eric Fehr almost had a breakaway, but Crosby was like "fuck no" and got back. Next thing you know, Dupuis has whispered sweet nothings in Neuvirth's ear and gotten him to gently part his thighs.

Dupes makes eyes at the Caps. But they're not having it.
It's 2-1. It's different.

STRANGEST DANCE MOVES
At this point the Caps freak out and put in Braden Holtby. Seemed too soon for us. Seemed frantic.


Some guy on Twitter got way fresh with me, for the record:

The fact that I was skeptical of the Caps having a full on meltdown was my own damn fault, I suppose. Goaltender change was probably not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.
but seriously who are you

FRESHEST FUCKING COME ON
nope it wasn't that one.
After Joel Ward took a delay of game penalty James Neal was jealous of how easily Dupes got Neuvirth to show his five hole and decided to make it look even easier with Holtby. Really the only explanation. He just kind of walked in there and flipped it in. It was insane.

Guy on the right appears to be alone and having the time of his life. Go you, guy.

MOST THIEVERY AND JEALOUSY
Then Matt Cooke gets jealous of James and decides to steal his move. Snipejob off a faceoff win. Wow Holtby is a mess. Nobody even knew what was happening. This comes after we already screamed at least twice throughout the game that it's often Matt Cooke with the golden chance but the poor guy ain't got no hands.
That was really a backbreaker for the Caps. They kind of stopped trying for the rest of the period. The clock was apparently broken or wrong or something and it may have been the Caps' depression emanating electromagnetic signals.
FANCIEST WAISTCOAT
The third started really slow.
I had Mike Lange on and he and Bourque were talking about what a leader Brooks Laich was and how much the Caps miss him as the camera on ROOT awkwardly zoomed in on Ovechkin. He was starting shit left and right trying to get his team into it and also appeared to suffer from some kind of facial stigmata in the third but we have no idea why no one is feeding off of his energy anymore.
Bortuzzo and Ovi got into some dispute over who had the fanciest waistcoat and got matching minors. The question of whose waistcoat was fancier was never settled publicly.
Then we get the Brooks Murder Face and he goes to the box:
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Ovechkin scores on that. Obviously.
5-2
Pens look kinda lazy. Not exactly what we like to see.
Pens take exactly one more penalty with exactly two minutes left and kill it. We survived. We fed on their corpse and it was delicious.
PENS WIN
5-2.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS
MOST INTRIGUED BOB ERREY

OOOOH BOY THAT WAS A BIG HIT ON JAY BEAGLE
(in our heads)

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Paul Martin. 28 minutes eeeek
2. Pascal

so thoughtful. 4 shots
3. probably Dylan

I'm sleepy and "preparing for a blizzard."

pens in dirty jersey tomorrow

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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