not at the kids’ table

The Canucks haven't been to Pittsburgh in like three years and let's be honest, we didn't miss them.  Excuse us while we giggle derisively into our coffee because yes, it's still coffee territory at 1pm.  Steiggy kept calling the Canucks one of the most successful franchises of recent years.  If you mean that the way you mean it when you talk about the Capitals, yes.

Oddly, a 1pm game against the Canucks is pretty much our perfect speed for this afternoon.  They're actually a real team!!!  But we don't hate them, either.  Not too much anyway.  Kesler is a douche.  It's a shame we root for America.

Speaking of America, the Canucks have traded Vigneault for Tortorella in only the third most hilarious coaching change in the last year (behind fucking Berube and Roy). 

patriotism;;; in reverse;;;

 

This game could get very nasty.  Or it could just be something to have in the background.  Still, the Pens haven't played a lot of not-dog-shit teams lately.  So, we'll see how it goes.  Sedins are still creepy.  Moving on.

MOST DUMPS 

Errey's first Feeling of the night comes from the repeated dump-ins off the rush by both teams.  Pens are running a bit of a trap.  Lots of back and forth.  Malkin made a traffic cone out of somebody early but there was no one there to receive his sweet drop pass.

First offensive attempt all night is from Maatta who releases a slapper from the point like a stud.  But it deflects off of Booth.  God, when Maatta leaves we're going to light a candle and start wearing only black and tell everyone about how honorable our husband was.

Dump dump dump.  But a little faster this time.

Oh and Engelland is still at RW.  Dump.  Shit.  Poop.  And Chris Conner is back?  Man.

LEAST ACCURATE SCREAMING

Conner almost scored.  He hit the post and I covered my mouth and shrieked and there was even the spotlight and the horn by CEC but it was no dice.  Conner brutalized Alexander Edler, looking at the replay. 

 

If Chris Conner can do that to you maybe you need to reevaluate whether you actually got out of bed in the morning.  Still, the Pens got a PP after because everyone was all out of sorts and Higgins tried to grab some people.

MOST ABUSED 

Brad Richardson almost gets a shorty and in retaliation Kunitz tries to murder Edler with his body.  This guy can't get a break.

 

PP is pretty meh though.  Canucks behaving very aggressively.  Vitale also tries to murder someone with his body.  For all the murder going on, the game hasn't gotten too ugly yet.  But a lot of posts and a lot of murder could add up.

WORST NIGHTMARE  

Steiggy said "sometimes it seems like there are four Sedins on the ice."

please no

Sedin line takes advantage of the Pens a bit.  But Fleury is standing tall.  Pretty sure there are still two of them.  Can they divide like cells?

JESUS AND OLLI ALMOST SCORED HIS FIRST NHL GOAL ON A MINI TWO ON ONE BUT HIT THE FUCKING POST AGAIN DEAR JESUS CAN I GET A PROPHYLACTIC

OVER IT   

Engo fights some guy.

 

w/e

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK SHIT DICKS MOTHER FUCKERS  

Edler shot a puck and it bounced off of Fleury and. . . . . .

well it like bounced off of him and then somehow bounced to the ground and into the net.  This is the Canucks lolling at how the goal wasn't even real.

we don't even know.  no one knows.  Christ

1-0

MOST GOD  

You'd think that one of these days this boy would slow down.  But he can't.  He's not human.  We'll say it time and time again, we didn't quite understand Sid all those years ago when he came into our lives.  But man.  He just.  Is so amazing.  Leading the NHL in scoring again.  Normal.

 

so we're back to evensies and everyone can pretend that never happened right.  right.

Pens get a PP after.  Maatta the lone defenseman on the 5 man unit.  God.  Nothing happens though.  Period ends.  Wipe off that slate.

COMMEMORATIVE AWARD GIVEN FOR NOT BEING DOG SHIT  

In case you forgot, the Canucks are not awful.  They begin the second with a push.  In the world that we are used to, this is where someone makes a horrible mistake and the Pens let up a weak goal.  But that hasn't happened yet.  Still, the Pens take a penalty.  The world is tilting slightly.

Fleury hasn't mentally collapsed yet, much to Twitter's chagrin.

Sutter and Dupuis play the Canucks PP like the prettiest violin.  Sutter has a couple of shorthanded chances.

Oh also?  The Pens have 6 shots.  6.  Dang.

Canucks get called for too many men, which we think of as a kind of Torts Special, like a stew or a dumpling.

Kunitz does what he does best on the ensuing PP:

 

2-1

The Canucks think they've tied it but one of their players dislodged the net.  Not dog shit territory.  This is just a hockey game, boys and girls.

NEVER MIND   

Pens defense forgets to play for a minute.  Richardson.

 

The ensuing sequences are mesmerizing.  Vitale almost buries one towards the end of the period.  Holding your breath.

Bortuzzo gets the LONGEST STICK award from ROOT for sweeping a puck out of danger on the goal line.  So long.

PERIOD THAT WILL TAKE THE MOST YEARS OFF OF YOUR LIFE  

oh that feeling, that feeling we missed.  of uncertainty and doubt and joy and hope.

Pens get an early PP in the third but not much is going on with it.  Canucks have shorthanded chances, bitches be trolling, every time Pens get a shot, the Canucks are taking space away.

Dupuis gets plastered on the boards in front of the benches by Kassian, which was frightening, but we think he is okay.  Maatta busy being a Finnish stud.  Still nine and a half minutes.

BOUNCIEST  

Canucks finally get the goal they earned by beating the Pens into the ground on a shift.

bouncing puck of doom and it's 3-2

NEVER MIND REDUX

Sid isn't having any of that bullshit and neither is Olli Maata, our honorable husband.

Sid creates a shitton of space for everyone else, passes cross ice, gets Luongo moving, and on the rebound, Maatta was right there in the middle to knock it home.  OH DARLING WAS IT A HARD DAY AT THE OFFICE

 

 

gjskldfjdlksfjdsoiatjeklrfsmdlk perfect human

3-3

Sid somehow manages to knock the stick out of Luongo's hands with a shot.  You can't make this shit up.  Sid, by the way, now leads the NHL in scoring by six points.

MOST BREATH HELD      
After some good up and down Sutter is hauled down on a breakaway.  And that's a penalty shot.

 

Nope.  Still 3-3.  1:24 to go.  Didn't quite get it up for that but man that would have been cool.

Not much else after that.  OT party.

WELPEST 

to start OT a Sedin boards Orpik.  No one cared.

As OT wears on, things just keep getting nastier.  Lots of hitting.  Lots of grabbing.  Seems interminable.  Sid has a chance on the backhand but the OT just welps into obscurity as the clock winds down.

HEAVIEST BREATHING 

Jokinen first.  He doesn't score.  Goes wide, but Luongo doesn't bite at all.

Santorelli.  Didn't give much on that.  Fleury saves.  0-0

Sid City.  Stopped again.

Edler.  Ugh.  MAF says no to Edler.  Edler ain't in his head, at least.

GENE BURIES IT:

 

Kesler goes in on Fleury real slow like it's going to scare him or something.

 

 

 

It doesn't. 

PENS WIN

4-3

not bad

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MOST LIKELY TO FLY TO THE MOON 

 

Chris Kunitz

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS

1. Olli Maatta. jesus

2. MAF, clearly he sucks and that first goal was PROOF GOD DAMN IT PROOF

3. Luongo.  We're sorry bro.  About your tears. 

Back at it on Monday.  Jeez.

go pens

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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