steigerwald head talisman

not even making this shit up

The Caps are a hot fucking mess. And Adam Oates apparently doesn't think this schedule is pretty much the same as it was, say, in an Olympic year or whatever the fuck.
Cry more idk.
Letang is hurt. Gene might be back Friday. ugh.

MOST PREDICTABLE
The Caps take a dumb penalty against the Crosby line within 2 minutes of puck drop. We learn that Brooks Laich is back in the lineup for the first time this year. We've always had respect for Laich. He is probably the last calming presence in the entire locker room. The last soldier in a dying army.
Pens can't get anything going on that power play–again, without Letang and Malkin, we could have told you that. Sid can only do so much.
It's okay, we'll get another chance.
Sid almost feeds Paul Martin on The Whitney Play. Flashbacks.

The Caps are awake. We knew they would be. Fleury and Holtby already in death match mode. Steiggy doesn't know how to narrate this many people passing the puck. It's hard for him.
This game hasn't had much notable happen in it, other than amazing saves, for so much back and forth.
How was this period a thing again? Is it really already over?
Man we didn't expect this at all.
Granted if it weren't for Laich and Holtby we'd probably be drowning in glitter right now.
Everyone decides at the end that Captain Ovechkin was violated by BeauBeau. So that was a penalty. And yet still nothing happens. The next period's mood could be tangentially decided by the position of an eyelash on Pascal Dupuis' face. It's that wide open.

INTERMISSION NOTE
It angers PH Staff that the Caps have played themselves into being totally irrelevant. We almost miss being pissed at them all the time for being part of the NBC-fueled fapfest of the post-lockout NHL and the potential topical nature of a Crosby/Ovechkin comparison graphic covered in gradients.
We feel bad for Ovi because he's like a living Centralia of hockey.
He burns for nothing.
C'mon Capitals can't you just make us a little angrier? Yes maybe this taunting is ill advised.
Also:

Nisky may have fixed his hair sitch. huge

HUGEST BALLS
MAF is all over this shit. Doesn't care that the Caps are giving this everything. When Bennett gets out of the box Alzner breaks up a fucking 3 on 1. Penguins you can be way more pissed off than this.
MAF stands tall on Backstrom. The shots already in the second are 5-0 Caps. Maybe we taunted them too much? Maybe the comparison graphic is lurking in the wings.

But we'll need those balls because Kunitz is called for tripping. Steiggy and Errey are talking about how much they like the word "quaternary" and arguing about who the referee is.

BIGGEST SHELL OF A PERSON
Ovechkin scored on the PP. We can smell the desperation. If we lose this game it's because we let it depress us too much.

omg so hard to not feel for that Caps fan kid on the glass whose life is probably at an all-time-high point
hope he's in it for love of the game
hope he's in it for the long haul
poor, poor, poor kid.

MOST BELATED ANGER
Pens get a PP because Chimera was a bitch. Pens are getting these shots on Holtby that he can see from the parking lot of the Squirrel Hill Whole Foods.
Holtby is flawless. When Bennett misses an easy layup, you are feeling Fear.
But the puck gets back to Martin at the center point. He's so over this. He's officially pissed. Goal. Errey intones, gravely, that Martin now has more goals than Malkin. We'll take it. Holy hell will we ever.
AMERICA

what a face

Despres' mind is blown.

MOST BIZARRE OMEN

Who brings this unless they are trying to get Steiggy and Errey's attention to find out where they get their weed.

Vitale takes a late period tripping penalty as a result of the Fear. But we make it out of the period alive.
The third period is going to have to be more evenly packed.


Reach out touch faith.

OH NO
via @Rick_City our very good friend:

Really this shit right now?

GRAPHIC YOU CAN PRINT OUT IN HARD COPY AND BURN
see above
Sid's line has the most unbelievable shift but nothing happens. Players like Bennett and Despres, our tiny babies, are showing up huge in the absence of their Hairspiration (it's Kris Letang's official title at the Vatican).

Finally the game is picking up, but Matt Cooke forgot this isn't 2009 and apparently boarded Ovechkin.
This is a fucking four minute penalty for this shit.

like a calving glacier

is our ship up to the swell?

Pens have Cooke's back through the first penalty.
AND THE SECOND. Possibly the most heroic penalty kill in the regular season that we can remember. MAF, Engo, Sutter, Brooksie, everyone had a role in that. Especially MAF.

MOST MATTHEWS
Sid up-ice. Cooke's out of the box. Gets the puck from Sid. Dishes it to Niskanen.
He does Not Fucking Miss.

must be really hard to be a Capital in this moment.  Fan reaction scathing.  Guy in the Malkin (?) powder blue feels like he just had a really successful first date.


OMG
it's games like these where you are getting goals from your solid-ass defensemen that you realize you are doing all right.
A mic from the broadcast falls on the ice forcing ROOT to stall so we get another comparative graphic.

my god
And Errey is talking about cheese. Dupuis is breaking up Ovechkin's magic on the rush.
All is right with the world.

LEAST TIME TO FUCK THIS UP
Pens look aggressive and rude and full of blood.
Before we know it, it's a minute and a half left.
Then 44 seconds. Like nine icing calls. Caps really want this. But MAF is home and has turned the porch lights off.
Sid has the puck at center but hits the goal post.
Caps take a penalty with 2.9 seconds left.
SERIOUSLY BROOKS LAICH YOU HAD SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE YOU RETURNING IN PLACE OF YOUR ABSENT DAD BRUCE TO SET THE SITUATION STRAIGHT AT THE FAMILY FARM JESUS CHRIST

come on

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

PLEASE TELL US WE AREN'T THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO DON'T SEE THE RESEMBLANCE BETWEEN KRIS AND CALEB FROM THE AWARD-WINNING ABC FAMILY DRAMA PRETTY LITTLE LIARS OH THE WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS ROMANCE IS WRENCHING OUR GUTS

PERSON WE MISS THE MOST
Mark Letestu of the Columbus Blue Jackets

 


ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Sid. 2 points
2. Engo, 5 blocked shots
3. Paul Martin: 1 big time goal, 28 fucking minutes

let us pray,
go pens
10 straight games bitches

Zoë

About Zoë

living in Boston, chronically fussy, fills recaps with references to Robert Scott's last march and literary theory among other things.

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