phonin’ it in.

Let’s get real here for a quick sec and admit that the Oilers are useless. They are storied enough that we have to pretend to care but boring and far away enough that we just don’t. It’s a good night for getting drunk and screaming like a lunatic at the ice. Cheers.

While we’re being real: Jeff Jimmerson is lookin;’ rough tonight. 
What’s happening with that hair? 
Oh Jeff. We’ll forgive you, but please stop taking style tips from Tanger. 

Let’s try to concern ourselves with the game. 

OLDEST YOU FELT
You were still casually waiting for this game to be A Thing when Dupes helps you out by putting one in the Oilers net not 4 minutes into the game.

Now this was exciting and wonderful of course, but looking around at all the fresh faces on the ice…

Oh shit. We’re not the young’uns anymore. We remember when the Pens were just a baby team. What an exciting and scary time that was. Now we’ve grown up and become fierce…the Oilers are still cutting their teeth. We’re glad to help them. 

GOALTENDIEST
 MAF makes a GIANT save against shultz, just narrowly denying him his first goal of the season. It one of those sprawling, flippy, crazy MAF saves that put you close to tears.

Jussi comes close to putting one behind LaBarbera, who almost knocks the puck into his own net. He barely makes the save, with the help of tone of his defensemen.They review it for funsies, but it clearly didn’t go over. 

MOST SHRIEK-INDUCING
Due to Events there is a 4-on-4 for the last couple minutes of gameplay. The Oilers get their best chances yet, but the crossbar and MAF stand strong. Shenanigans make it a 4-on-3  (and for a few seconds 5-on-3) and the Oilers ave a real shot at tying it up. Will they? Will the babies do the Thing?

No. Maybe next period (but probably not.)

WRONGEST
It’s like the Oilers don’t want me to enjoy my beer in peace and have to go and FUCKING RUN OUT THEIR 5-ON-3 AND SCORE WHEN IT’S EVEN STRENGTH.

Like, wtf. I refuse. I literally refuse. The score, in my heart, remains 1-0. ANd I just drank maple syrup from the bottle so maybe we should all stop listening to me.

STICKIEST
My mouse, wtf, this is awful. Jesus Christ. 

ANGRIEST NEIGHBORS
Hall gets thisfuckingclose to getting one past MAF, but is ROBBED. BLIND. Because MAF is just in the zone this season. My neighbors probably think I’m slaughtering a lineup of prom queens over here with all the shrieking. Let’s all not get arrested.

MOST STARTLING REALIZATION
Holy shit you guys the Oilers are just 2007 us. I kind of like them. This game is loads of fun, and the Oilers could end up being super scary in the coming years. Turns out they aren’t as useless as I want them to be. 

This realization took place during a commercial break, and as if to remind me who I should be paying attention to, Sid Crosby storms down the ice directly after the faceoff and organizes something so confusingly pretty with Kunitz that no one even knows which one of them got it in. Even Steiggy and Bobby are in disagreement. Needless to say, beautiful work from them both. 

CUTEST
So listen. The Oilers score and tie it up. Whatever. Dan Potash talks about something much more important – the frequency with which Bobby goes to the vending machines. 

That is fucking hysterical to think about. Dull the pain of the tied score by imagining Bobby nervously chewing handfuls of skittles. 

WORST
oMG it’s me because I am too drunk to correctly tell you about the third period. 
Long story short:
-Malkin buries one right when you need him to because you are losing faith in human kind. It’s his first goal against the Oilers ever, so you know, that’s cool.
-Pens win.

It’s a long season, ya’all. I’ll make it up to you. Maybe with some coloring sheets. (Definitely with some coloring sheets.)

Meet us back here Thursday for something a little less shitty than this. 
ILU
Go Pens. 

Kim

About Kim

I bleed Pittsburgh but also blood and I need that, so please don't cut me.

Quantcast