tyler pls

pick yourself up off that floor

Steigerwald has set the tone early by calling Chris Kunitz "one of the hottest guys in the world."
And I don't want to think about such rhetoric because I, friends, have a stake in this game beyond the usual: I work in Boston, and for the first time in my life I work in an office with people who care about Boston sports. I want my entry to be triumphant. I wanna tell my boss YEAH I WATCHED THE BRUINS LAST NIGHT. . .WATCHED THEM LOSE. (Chirping is hard.) (So is living in Boston.)

This was the "measurement stick" game.  i.e. can the Pens really play with the big boys?
The Bruins, for "big boys", means defense.
We don't advocate trying to get all your goals later or anything, but the Pens stuck with their tenets throughout 60 minutes.  They didn't quit or get frustrated.  They didn't bitch about a damn thing.  They just put their heads down and worked because they knew they could win.  Good teams do that.  And Brandon Sutter is about as clutch as they come.


BIGGEST PROMISE BROKEN
The Pens start out of the gate with a lot of shots on the Bruins' #2, Khudobin. Letang makes some amazing play that ends with the Pens taking a too many men penalty.
Chara rings one off the pipe and in.

Well, that went well.
0-1

Bruins look aggressive. It's very funny how toughness is like this Boston Thing when the toughest thing you find around TD Garden is a bunch of insufferable bros wondering why the bar doesn't have Miller Lite cans and yelling about it. The Bruins are pretty tough though.

MOST HEARTS BROKEN
Everyone touches themselves for like 10 minutes. Pens forget to pick up Seguin who camps out in front of Fleury as if it is a perfect patch of flat ground for his tent. Easy goal. Everyone is drowning in vomit.

Tyler this is not a pleasure campground YOU ARE AT WORK

What a mess. Khudobin looks easily rattled but ain't no one getting pucks to him at this rate.
Enough time passes though that Anton may have found his sac. We could be doomed. We could be going down with the ship.

MOMENT YOU STOPPED BREATHING
Bennett steals a puck behind the net and gives it to Neal who is all alone in front. When he can't bury that you realize it's one of those nights. You know the ones. Where you had too much to drink and you end up at some diner, on the verge of tears, greasy-haired and in an ill-fitting dress. YOU KNOW THE ONES, DON'T YOU, PITTSBURGH PENGUINS?
The Pens hitch up their black pantyhose and force Ference to shoot it over the glass. BIG DEAL. nothing happens. still sobbing
Sid is covered in a sheen of sweat in honor of this moment:

and to top it off, there's an intermission feature on PROSTATE CANCER with this amazing presentation board

SLOPPIEST SCENE IN THE CORNER AKA PERIOD TWO
The Bruins are possibly gearing up to put nails in the coffin when they take an offensive zone penalty because that's what they do. This is going to be nasty. Bruins PK is like drinking battery acid.

dicks dicks dicks
Like making it home from the bar and finding most of a leftover pizza in the fridge, the Pens start generating some more quality chances. Not that we want to vomit it up the next morning or anything.
Nothin' yet. Horrible period, better than the first in that we didn't get scored on like a bunch of dicks but worse in that the Pens didn't play bad but couldn't get anything done.
Now I really don't want to go to work.

MOMENT YOU GOT IN BED WITH A WATER BOTTLE AND RITZ CRACKERS
Early third period, Bruins take some lame penalty.
Pens are swarming. Khudobin high sticks someone, though. A minute of 5 on 3. Pens don't score on either of those. Then they take one of their own for funsies. Absolutely nothing doing.
In a complete freak glitch of the Bruins' God Mode, Adams and Cooke get a shorthanded 2 on 1. Khudobin's balls are in a safe deposit box somewhere in the South Hills and he makes the save.
Commercial break or two later and you're basically feeling like it's over.

BUT THEN: THE KUNITZ JESUS APPEARS
Pens just kept working.  Kunitz put a good shot on net.  One of them finally goes in.  The game suddenly has opened up in a big way.  Funny how that happens.  One minute you're drowning and the next it's a pond in a sylvan glen.


less than a minute later, Bennett, Neal, and Sutter are on a rush together.  Sutter with a wristshot.  man
all of a sudden it was 2-2.


no one knew it, but we do have it in us.

The game is wide open now. Sid is on the ice whenever he gets a chance, smelling blood, blood we didn't know we even had left.
Sid muscles his way through the neutral zone somehow and tries to take the puck deep, but Seidenberg is going to take it the other way. Except that Brandon Sutter has just come off the bench to start a change and he's had enough of that shit. Sid skates up and he and Sutter create a kind of reverse 2 on 1 that catches Johnny Boychuk and Khudobin by surprise.
Sutter's got swagger he ain't going to pass that. He's feelin it.

best pic of the season so far, by a mile.  look at their faces.  look at that crowd.
at 17:57 of the third, we are burning this bitch to the ground.
 

eight thousand shots of this moment

 

BOOOOOOOOOOOOM

3-2

Bruins flurry a bit to try to get back, but in the end, it really was that fucking fast to turn a boring trap-fest and quicksand kind of game into an extremely memorable win. And to get pregnant with Brandon Sutter's twins.
Oh and I can go to the office in the morning. Free as a bird. When my bosses ask me if I saw that game last night I will smile and say, "Yes."
So should we all.

~~PENS WIN~~

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS
 

MOST OMINOUS

 

MOST LIKELY TO RECEIVE ORAL SEX LATER

 

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS

1. tanger had 8 shots

2. Mark Eaton with 13 quiet minutes of bliss

3. the prettiest smiles

 

there is no hell

only fire

Zoë

About Zoë

living in Boston, chronically fussy, fills recaps with references to Robert Scott's last march and literary theory among other things.

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