But this time it's different. Neither the Pens nor the Caps are the Indestructible Forces of Media Fellation that they were when this blog started. And yet we still taste that same bitterness heading into Verizon Center (via our computer screens) at fucking 12:30 on Super Bowl Sunday with our coffees in hand.
In case you were wondering: Super Bowl Sundays sucks.
If it weren't for the fact that all of my local Boston friends are either hockey fans, bitter Pats fans, or ex-art-school-hipsters whose moods aren't adversely affected by sports at all, I'd probably stay at home under a blanket. But as it is, I do have a Super Bowl party to attend and possibly some cookies to bake.
This game isn't getting in the way of that. But it does feel like a hazing ritual involving pocket knives and blood pacts.
John Erskine elbowed Wayne Simmonds' head so yeah, trash. The Caps have 2 wins so far this season. welp
Let's see where we are, ladies and gentlemen.
MOST JIZZ IN OUR EYES
The NBC feed has some kind of "twitter battle" feature that no one cares about. Apparently the Caps are really bad at it.
Paul Martin scores early on from a Crosby faceoff win after some track meet shit. A Pens fan contingent behind the Caps net erupts in cheers and it feels like 2009 all over again.
Zach Boychuk gets a semi breakaway afterwards and dude. We love this kid can we just say? he gives so few fucks.
Caps come back right away though. Mike Green gets destroyed by Letang and Tang leaves him for dead. Except then he gets back up, floats to the top of the left circle, and scores a goal. The sirens blind us and we are briefly lobotomized.
This game is hard to watch. Mike Green's hair reminds us of 14-year-old mallrats who look at dirty birthday cards in Spencer Gifts.
Pens gain the zone against the Caps like a real hockey time. Bortuzzo, the prodigal son, passes to Engo. Engo winds up for a one-timer, and makes no mistake. Official credit goes to Cooke but Cooke says he didn't touch it. Unsure if that will stand.
BIGGEST AND MOST FRIGHTENING TRANSFORMATION
Pens are suddenly playing team defense. Blocking shots, getting in lanes. Who are these people. Have the replicants finally been sated?
Ovechkin's relevancy discussed by NBC. Apparently scoring over 30 goals a year is shitty. Always going to be a good offensive player, but let's devote random broadcast time to how important he is.
Someone got paid to make this graphic. Think about it.
Vokoun all business as the game progresses.
Some kind of penalty and some kind of timeout, blah blah blah period.
Honestly if it weren't for the jizz in our eyes we'd play games like this forever.
MOST BURNING QUESTIONS EVER
NBC does an intermission feature with (mostly accurate) analysis about whether or not Ovechkin is still "elite" complete with embarrassingly dramatic color-corrected shots of Ovie interviews.
deep shit yo
we care not
MOST OBVIOUS INDICATOR OF GOD'S DEATH
Second period starts all business.
Vokoun makes the same mistake he made earlier on though when John Carlson shoots it in around the glass and it ends up in the net. oh okay
Sirens, lobotomies. scuse us while we cry ourselves to sleep
It hit a stanchion. Remember stanchions? fuck
really people only look this happy before being led to slaughter unexpectedly. it was too good for the Caps to be true that winning would be this easy.
It's 2-2. Jesus.
"they're rockin' the red here now" as Zach Boychuck eats our broken hearts and takes a penalty. We convince ourselves they are going to score to avoid more unnecessary pain.
Pens kill the penalty though. It's not over yet.
MOST PREGNANCIES CAUSED BY MEN IN WASHINGTON DC THIS AFTERNOON
After his penalty Zach Boychuk rushes up ice like a fucking stud and makes Holtby make a big-time save. The puck never leaves the immediate vicinity of Braden Holtby though. Letang jumps up and cleans that shit up.
All started by Boychuk. We need to get to know this child because he came out of nowhere and knocked us up.
MOST TERROR LOCATED IN AN ARMPIT
Holtby getting totally destroyed under his left armpit today.
Chris Kunitz puts another one there.
ANOTHER BABYFRENCHIE MISTAKE NO ONE WILL REMEMBER NEXT SEASON
Despres high sticks some asshole.
Could this be a thing?
Crosby with a diving play to clear on the PK. Makes our hearts sing.
NBC yelling at Ovi to get in front of the net. Nice to see them yelling like an informed Caps fan. God imagine being a knowledgeable old guard Caps fan forced to maintain loyalty to Ovi.
not a fate we envy. Caps commit some penalty. Our Polish Boyfriend Wojtek Wolski gets physical with Martin and it's kind of a bad call, let's be honest.
LEAST HAT TRICK
Kunitz parks in front of the net like NBC has been yelling at Ovi to do for the last nine hours or whatever and buries one. NBC thinks it's a hat trick but the initial "Kunitz" goal has been credited to PaulMart so yeah.
Koon still has 2.
Not complaining about his Least Hat Trick award either.
NBC corrects after commercial. finally
Pierre forgets what sport he's talking about and tries to talk about the Minnesota Vikings.
MOST BIZARRE BEHAVIOR
The Caps come out in a three-goal hole and ice it 2 times. The red refuses to rock. blah blah blah blah. Pens ice it again. This is a weird period. Despres shoots it over the glass. Fuck, babyfrenchie. fuck.
Dupuis and Adams killing it early in the PK.
Pens get lazy and get destroyed by Ribiero. Excuse us while we undergo the lobotomy. SIREN SIREN FLASH SCREAM
Period kind chugs along. Vokoun makes a big stop on Ovechkin. Ovechkin picks his nose in response.
Ovi rushes up ice again and tries Tomás again but yeah nope.
Boychuk almost sets up Neal.
We might revive "Crash My Net Friday" just for Boychuk.
Pens take a penalty at a really bad time though. Nothing doing through most of it. Pens manage to keep Caps to outside.
Just as Holtby is about to leave the net Crosby comes bearing down on Holtby. Then the shenanigans starts. Carlson got ruined by Crosby and the Pens are going to end the game on a 5 on 3. Ovechkin got called for roughing, Carlson for holding. That'll be the end of that. Top PP unit out for the 5 on 3 to try to set up Koon for the hattie. Maybe.
MOST HAT TRICK
Yep. Crosby takes it down below the goal line, drawing the Caps' vision. Kunitz ready to shoot. Passes it up. Buries it. No mercy.
Pens hats on the ice. Holtby looks depressed.
PENS WIN 6-3
KUNITZ HATTIE IN YOUR MOUTH
MAF and Cookie
ONLY RECORDED APPEARANCE OF TYLER KENNEDY TODAY
Ovechkin on the coattails of Green's shitty goal.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Zach Boychuk – baby we never knew we needed you.
2. Robert Bortuzzo because of reasons. He was in fact a +2.
3. Kris Letang. 4 shots. nasty.
on the island on Tuesday.
amazing pics surfacing on Twitter of Pens fans on the steps outside Verizon Center after this game. We love everyone and wish we were there.