Once upon a time Puck Huffers staff broke into the basement of the Carolina Hurricanes arena in order to take smarmy photos next to signs threatening waterboarding by Gary Bettman himself if we entered the hallowed grounds. “Fuck ‘em!” we laughed, nervously eyeing the staff of the Jehovah’s Witness convention taking place on the floor of the arena.
This is where the zambonis live.
While we were there, we may or may not have placed some kind of hockey bitch curse on the location that gives the Pens an edge, even when our previous two games were dog shit.
Or I am drunk and just saying things. You guess.
You think that maybe one day there will be such a thing as civil game between the Canes and the Penguins, but then you remember the time Bill Cowher set that fucking siren or whatever off and you get angry all over again because really how dare he and how dare they.
Maybe that’s ancient history, but Brett Sutter boarding the shit out of Craig Adams isn’t. Vitale steps up and exchanges some right hooks with Mr. Sutter, and it ends in some majors and minors, including the boarding call for Sutter. Fucker.
Maybe we should calm down before we get a condition.
BEST TRASH PICKUP
The puck gets a lot of action around the Canes net. Megna makes a move for the net and Peters gets a blocker save that sets up a fat rebound. Tanner moves in for the kill. Orpik gets an assist for being a baller, and we always love to see that. Everyone gets special PH points for being sexy. We love it.
First, Sutter gets a penalty for the Pens by tripping up Semin. We really get it, B.Sutts, we really do, but try to calm it down. Before we can even play off the penalty, Adams just fucking chops at Eric Staal’s shins, giving the Canes the two man advantage for upwards of a minute. They cash in, of course, tying it up before intermission.
Kunitz commemorates the start of the second by getting a penalty, which is just kind of weird. Luckily we get away with killing it, despite a pretty wicked one-timer by Gerbe. Sekera takes another shot just as the penalty expiers, but we somehow manage to keep them clear.
Tie games are like making out with your cousin until the next goal is scored. Speaking of making out with your cousin, it’s almost Halloween, ya’all. Remember the slut rule!
Crosby gets an absolutely sick pass to Kunitz, who takes the puck blocker side and gets it home. Sid gets an assist and Orpik gets the secondary (Jesus, Brooks, what’s up with you tonight? Keep it coming!)
BEST THREE POINTS
Megna, who has kind of been killing it tonight, gets yet another chance for greatness in the third period and cashes in. Orpik and Sid set up a move that gets a little hairy and bounces off of Megna and then behind Peters. It has to be reviewed, but ends up going on the scoreboard. Fucking Brooks Orpik gets another assist. Three cheers for Megna and all, but when Brooks can get a three point night, it is a good time.
We play out the clock and the final buzzer sounds at a good solid 3-1.
SENIOR SUPERLATIVE CUTEST COUPLE
ALT 3 STARZZZZ
Megna – gets a double because srsly what a cute
Brooks – duh
The entire team – for not playing like shit, thx guys, we needed that
So we kinda sucked for two games but it happens sometimes. We can always bounce back and be wonderful.
It’s a long ass season, thank goodness.Or whatever accounts for such things. We need a new deity up in here real soon.