First and foremost:
Okay, sorry, that was weighing on us.
Now that THAT'S out of the way…
This game was a matinee.
A MATINEE SHOULD NOT HAVE TO BE THIS INTENSE.
Seriously guys, we need to have a talk about when and where to have moments like this, and that discussion will end in us deciding that Sunday afternoon games are not the time to have us all rolling around on the floor in agony.
This was INSANE.
These are the games that make neighbors hate us.
We love ever second of it, but can we please just save it for the evenings?
Also, Sabres, you are clearly bipolar.
Please seek professional attention.
SADDEST DAY FOR BROOKSY AND AMERICA
Don't get us wrong – when we adjusting in our chairs with our first drink of the day, ready to enjoy some hockey and be annoyed by NBC commentary, we are THRILLED when the puck is almost immediately behind Ryan Miller. We were extra thrilled by the fact that OH MY GOD WAS THAT A BROOKS ORPIK GOAL OH MY GOD THAT IS LIKE CHRISTMAS MORNING.
Upon replay we see Dupes give it a good little love tap.
GODDAMNIT IT, YOU BEAUTIFUL MAN. You and your incessant need to make sure we succeed.
We love you. We love everyone.
We know Brooks doesn't give two shits about it as long as we scored. He's certainly thrilled to help.
But a girl can dream.
BEST SCORING RATIO
The Sabres go all wild with fear and end up in the penalty box. A few seconds later, Sid makes it 8 straight games in which we have PP goals.
We are in Ryan Miller's head.
For many moons he has fallen asleep with tears in his eyes, weakly punching his pillow, whispering "Goddamn you, Sidney Crosby."
We currently have a goal per minute. We're crossing our figures to keep it up for all 60.
MOST DREAMS DASHED
The Sabres start a series of moves that makes our palms sweaty. Where are you, D? Shut this down plz.
Hodgeson is for some reason left to frolic across open ice. MAF tries hard to swat it out of the air, but no dice.
There go the hopes of 60-0.
MOST TIME YOU SPENT STARING AT A GIF
(and possibly contemplating / plots)
We love you, Garbage League.
Crosby ends up in the box, probably for being too handsome (due to, as discussed by NBC, his no longer being obese.) Tanner thinks he looks sad in the box by himself and decides to bat the puck out of the air so he can go keep Sid company.
The Sabres start doing things.
Then they touched us.
They touched us in a bad place.
OH GOD NO DON'T MAKE ME SHOW YOU NOOO.
Tied now. Motherfuck.
Cody McCormick and Tanner Glass have words. We get all riled up, because Tanner Glass is godlike. Also, Cody McCormick did this:
Don't touch our Suttsy.
Mr. Glass, please come with us. We promise we will be attentive.
GREATEST SUICIDE PREVENTION MEASURES
When the Sabres for some reason make us look like fools and put one in the back of the net, an act that we will not even show a photo of because this is a family place, we are all poised and ready to jump from one of the many convenient bridges located around the city.
Being shown up by the Sabres was not on our list of things to experience, ever.
LeHair hears our sobs. He feels more deeply than most mere mortals, so our plight touches him deeply. He sees to it that our pain is eased and lands, like, the sickest pass ever on Pascal's' stick. Pascal, no stranger to just accepting and helping to facilitate the magic that happens around him, slams it into the net.
We step down from the ledge.
MOST TERRIFYING EVER
There are like a billion chances for everyone to score. MAF and Miller are just…it's insane. We have to gasp more than is appropriate. Not to mention Ryan Miller fucking ROBS James Neal of a wicked, wicked shot that was set up by Malkin and Crosby. No one can believe it. It's fucking insanity. It keeps going like this for years. We can't handle it. We can't. We can't. SOMEONE PLEASE END THIS.
Someone does…Paul Martin?
Sid is saying what we were thinking:
OH MY GOD SORRY FOR BEING SO FUCKING EXCITED, THAT IS JUST SURPRISING, WE DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD BE YOU, PAUL.
Proud captain, right there.
Seriously gorgeous shot. Just floats through the traffic and into the net. Looks like something out of a feel good sports movie.
Dupes sadly misses the empty net when the chance came up.
The game is intense until the final seconds.
Man oh man.
MOST DANGEROUS MOVE
Ott skates up to MAF after the game and says something. I don't care if you said "hey man, you're a golden god" DON'T FUCKING TALK TO OUR GOALIE EVER, YOU PIECE OF SHIT. The Penguins at large didn't like this move, and he's pretty instantly swarmed by fists.
MAF is off to the side laughing, saying"HATING MEEE WON'T MAKE YOU PREEEETY LOLOLOLOL"
We hate you when we play you, Ryan Miller.
But we'll never forget your services.
ALT THREE STARS
1.Kris Letang, mostly for the way he buttons his shirt.
2. James Neal. DID YOU SEE THOSE PANTS?!?!?!?!?
3. Josh Yohe, for this amazing tweet:
Elevator guy just yelled at everyone to pack it in. Billy Guerin's reply: "How 'bout please, Smiley."
The amount of time we spend imagining our lives as Billy G's sister wives is insane.
Oh, also, never forget: