Isles, last time we met it was the worst.
Tonight was for redemption. Win or lose, we had to get some honor out of this.
And, of course, some goddamn awards.
The game has barely started and the Isles get a penalty for whateverthefuck. We can't even understand what they are doing yet in this game. Not because it's particularly bad, but because it's the Isles, and goddamnit haven't we played them five hundred times already?
What's that? Just once?
But we're so sick of looking at them.
You're about to say something bitchy about the Pens PP being questionable, but before you can open your fat mouth, James Neal and Sidney Crosby show up at the faceoff circle like it's a duel. They pull their guns.
Faceoff won, Sid passes it off the halfwall to James, who makes sure you'll wait until power plays are OVER to critique them.
Out loud, at least.
GOAL THAT HAPPENED THE LEAST
Sid tries to get his first goal against Nabs, but it all ends up a clusterfuck and Andrew fuckin' Macdonald, former Penguin, scrambles for it and tosses it out of the net. When you hear it's being reviewed you hope and pray it went over, but overhead cam tells you that there's no use hoping. Saved just in time.
We'll pour one out for you, unborn goal. Right into our mouths.
THE LITTLE TANNER THAT COULD AWARD
Things look kind of contentious on the ice early on. There are a lot of mumbles and grumbles. You can smell something brewing, and that just so happened to be Tanner Glass's hatred for anyone looking the wrong way at his captain.
He throws down.
He loses pretty bad.
Unlike when "it's the thought that counts" in gift giving (i.e. the gift is garbage and no one is getting laid) in hockey fighting it is true (read: even the loser will get laid.)
SATAN'S MOST CANDID APPEARANCE
At first we assumed that God hated us. Then we remembered that God is dead so it must be the work of Satan when Sid hits the ice because of a high stick or a puck or a OH GOD I DON'T KNOW WHY IS THERE BLOOD HOLY FUCK.
Pictures from before show that Sid saw Satan approaching.
Pictures from AFTER are plentiful, because Sidney Crosby getting hurt is more important to any journalist than all of the players on the Pens and Isles scoring, combined.
We wish we could express our true unhappiness with that fact with Isles bloggers, who will obviously be facing the same photo pool as we are this evening. It's not that we think there should be fewer photos of sid, just can someone please god take more photos of goals?
Oh, fuck it.
He's off to the runway before we can throw our panties on the ice to let him know we're praying for his speedy recovery.
We throw them anyway. He's back before they hit the ice. Face of steel.
GREATEST END TO HAZING
Anytime something bad happens to babyfrenchie we assume that it's hazing – poor little guy, he's just playing for the after-game orange slices. We love him so hard.
We don't think the guys will give him too hard a time after Kunitz got the puck to him and his response was to
"WE'RE BUSY DIGITALLY ENHANCING SATURATION SO WE CAN SEE MORE OF SID'S BLOOD, GO AWAY"
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT."
"WAIT DID YOU MEAN THIS THING"
2 – 0 into the third? Guys, are we sure about this?
This could be dangerous.
Sutter hears our bellyachin' and wants to do something about it. The Isles look directly into a solar eclipse because a voice offstage whispered that it would be pretty.
Thanks for the solid, buddy.
Sutter makes the most of it.
Well. Take our word for it.
BEST $14 EVER SPENT
Thirty five seconds.
In thirty five seconds, it all almost falls apart.
Grabner and Boyes score consecutive goals. Isles fans piss their $14 seats in excitement.
MOST THANKFUL TO DEAD GOD
Kunitz uses the empty net to make it appropriate for us to yell "suck our dicks" at strangers in Isles jerseys.
Well…more appropriate than it was before, at least.
Pens Win, dicks!
Nabs, boys, you did pretty well.
It wasn't the prettiest game.
Goddamn you for those two goals.
But this one was fun as hell to watch.
WORST HIGH FIVE
"Come on Kris, we went over this in practice."
ALT THREE STARS
1. Satan – for having bad aim and missing Sid's vitals. Dick.
2. Pepper. Always a professional.
3. Babyfrenchie. AWWWWWWW.
Team looking good.