the beast and the picnic

It's a Staal night.  Canes games might be the worst games, other than Sabres games, which is odd because there's so much circus theater to love.  We blame Chad LaRose.  I basically made dinner in like 10 minutes before the game so let's dive right in because I'm on 3 hours of sleep and Cam is trying to get at my bacon and butternut squash risotto recipe and I don't have time for his shit.

QUIETEST SCREAMS
It takes a hell of a long time before Root mentions anything Staal or Sutter-trade related.  Could the magic be fading?  Could the myth be delicately collapsing?

Pens look legit to begin the game.  The most dangerous moment so far happens when Steiggy says that Brett and Brandon Sutter are cousins.  Please chug something quickly.  Anything.

Not much is going on for the majority of the first period other than Joey V drawing a penalty with his sick flow.  Pens PP has yet to score this year.  Eek.  The most exciting moment comes with about seven and a half left when Cammycakes actually has to make a real save on Beau Bennett after an egregious turnover by Uncle Jordy.

PRETTIEST GOD DAMNED PRINCESS

Tanner Glass draws a penalty so we guess he's good for something other than being a qt in glasses.

Jokinen goes to the fucking net and makes some ridiculous goal look like an effortless deflection.  We want .gifs of it tattooed on our faces.

 

 

MOST BIZARRE PHYSICS
 
In a net crashing sex-fest the puck gets deflected in off of Dupuis and Cam and everyone. 

We disagree that there was a distinct kicking motion.  Explain that.  Mario was shown looking pissed.  Dupes was shown looking gorgeously incredulous.

Tanner Glass then got in a fight with someone.

 

 

The game does get more exciting as all this is happening.  No more tomfoolery.  Lil' bit of actual hockey on our hands.

period ends.

MOST INTENSE SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP OF YOUR LIFETIME
So there was some bizarre bounce in front of Cam Ward and Paul Martin was just somehow there to fall on his knees and unexpectedly snipe it in in possibly the most sexual way of all time.  Like we can't.  That's pornographic.

 

MOST VICIOUS ASSAULT ON YOUR ORGANSso basically Paul Steigerwald is literally trying to kill you.  Pens are playing a good game and getting quality shots on Cam Ward, moving up-ice quickly, so there isn't much to talk about.  We descend into madness that, if you're playing by original or revised rules, could get you sent to the hospital.

After showing these two insane Sutter graphics, he even went so far as to invoke Henry and Linda Staal and just tenuously connect the fact that both the Staals and the Sutters have a lot of family members who are involved in hockey.  He talked about the sod farm.  Again.  This Staal obsession will not stand.

 

that's a lot of games

waiting for the accompanying Staal stat in 2040 or whatever

LEAST PANIC
On a Canes PP Fleury gets some deserved Fleury chants from the crowd.  Sutter almost scores on a shorthanded break and the game is suddenly exciting and yet we don't feel as though we are in danger.

Eric Staal deflects a big nasty Faulk shot though and that's way behind MAF.

Really no chance on that one.  Brush it off brush it off

 

not even worried

2-1

MOMENT OUR CAVALIER ATTITUDES EMBARRASSED US AT THE PARTY

Gerbe gets a rebound.  Vomit.

2-2

They're not all going to be cake walks.

MOMENT GENE STEPPED INTO THE VFW AND ACTUALLY HAD A CAKE WALK Malkin displayed his preternatural genius by deftly skating around some people and making a perfect pass to Jussi who sniped the hell out of it past Cammycakes.  The picnic is going to be really fun this year.

Gene made a really nontraditional play look easy as hell.  Also, Maatta assist.  Yum.  First NHL point.

MOMENT TANNER GLASS HAD A SIMILAR FUCKING CAKE WALK WHAT THE FUCK

The Pens have unreal shifts and exhaust the hell out of Cam Ward.  Cam stood on his head and was perfect and worked his ass off and then Joe Vitale won a little assist and Tanner Glass basically attacked the puck like scoring the goal would save the lives of all the children and cure cancer and he knocked it behind an exhausted Cam Ward who will have a place of honor at the derby picnic this year.  4-3  Wish we had a pic of Tanner's goal but we don't and like I said 3 hours of sleep so you're going to have to look that one up for homework.

Here's a kitten instead

 

Canes try to channel all of that energy into their own magic next shift but Jeff Skinner just isn't Tanner Glass.

Tanner is trying to make us like him again after skating like plywood all last year and having dumb fights.  It's working.

MOST EXPENSIVE HAT TRICK IN CAROLINA HURRICANES HISTORY The Canes organization basically paid for their former employee to break their starting goalie.  Very quick snipejob off the rush on the PP.  Cam freaked out.  Come on honey we'll get you a drink hush no stop shouting there are children come over to the nice oak tree

 

 

The real star of this photo is the sad weather themed sign with Bennett's number on it.

what a mess

PENS WIN

5-2

good lord

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TROPHY

 

Olli Maatta is a young Finnish boy and we want to keep him.

It's going to be the easiest thing to send him back to London but the kid is obviously NHL ready.  Not only is he not making mistakes but he's actually kind of a fucking beast with the excellent passing and the shot blocking and the jesus christ how are you such a babby

If this is the year we climb out of the darkness, it'll be because we have a multiple Finn roster for the first time in who knows how long

please keep Olli

somehow

also Letang's contract is still a ridiculous overvalue for how composite our defense is.  The Pens "top player" in the position is out and I'm LITERALLY KIND OF WORRIED THAT IS RETURN FROM INJURY WILL MAKE THE PENS D WORSE

Basically elevating Maatta to Curry-level heights

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS

1. Joey V - wins every faceoff or at least 11 of them and gets an assist

2. Cammycakes - we're sorry boo

3. Bob Scuds - god we missed you

woop

go pens

this start is pretty legit, yeah?

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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