the curse lives

riiiiight the rivalry
it's doing everyone so much good

h/t to garageleague on tumblr again

This game began in the exact same sequence in Peter Jackson's first installment of The Hobbit where Saruman is busy trying to convince everyone that Sauron is gone for good.

spoiler alert: he's not
click for slightly larger

Tomas Vokoun knows a thing or two about magic rings. He knows that they will kick your ass if you are not careful.

The Pens start the game off with a bomb from Niskanen that awakens sleeping evil in the mountains.

Laviolette takes a big time timeout to distract everyone as half-human, half-dark-angel beings enter Consol Energy Center and cast terrible spells. Meanwhile, the NBC announcing crew, unaware that evil has crossed our borders (or perhaps too aware), proceeds to dump limitless amounts of semen in the eyes, ears, and other orifices of the innocent.

On some big deal power play Malkin almost scores because Bryz's glove went missing in unknown territory. But then he didn't. But then he did. At this moment in the game, you feel like a wise elder looking down from the sun-dappled slope of a hillside at your progeny's land. Perhaps you are eating fresh fruit. And thinking about what a fucking badass you are. As Gene basically metaphorically takes his dick out at the Flyers' goal.

Well you actually probably suck.

Bryz can see beyond into the realm of the Valar, apparently. dicks

Some kind of bizarre pileup in Koun's crease leads to a.) no whistles ever and b.) a goal that gets credited to Nicklas Grossmann. Pretty sure he didn't see that coming. Probably went in off of a Pen.
Then Simmonds scored. oh okay. it's 2-2.

The period involves a lot of other clutching and grabbing and sobbing. The fight happens. We're over it.
The second period starts off with some close calls but is in general promising. We can just dig in and–

Can we just put out a Czech Amber Alert for Jakub because we're 99% sure his mom has no idea yet that he's even in Philly and we don't think she'd be okay with it. We know some Promises have been made in Columbus to keep Jakub safe and look where he is. We are happy, in a way, that he is scoring, but not that he is so corruptible. We also think he needs a scratch test.
Jakub scored late in the second and early in the third. It all blurred together like Max Talbot's childhood dreams through a haze of too much penicillin.
By the time we have a minute to schedule him an appointment with an allergist and try to text his mom, TK has scored, but no one took pics because it was ultimately meaningless.

Simmonds scored again like a few minutes later. Oh.

For those keeping track at home, it's 5-3.

Then, something happened. The Flyers got reckless as hell and went all Goblin King and took a bunch of penalties. This came after Zac Rinaldo managed to job Tanner Glass by shoving him and getting Glass's stick in his face. It was like you could hear someone smoothly jiving with the Flyers bench "SO YOU THINk THE PENGUINS CAN TAKE MINOR PENALTIES? HUH? LET'S SEE YOU COME OVER HERE AND SAY THAT"

after some sobbing, James Neal put the team's hopes and fears into yet another one of his perfect shots.
It was 5-4. We could do this. We could. We had all the power. With 2 minutes left Brandon Sutter brought us home. We felt it. We were home. It was home. We are safe. It was worth trying.

Before the heavens even opened, before you knew you were pregnant, before you could tattoo his name on your heart. . .Jakub harnessed our hopes and used them to score a goal. His third of the night.

Giroux with two assists tonight. Why is no one yelling at him about not being good enough at being the best player in the world.
We want to call him The Claw from now on. Who's in?

God fucking damn it all to hell.

the crazy thing is that at least the Pens almost tied it again but that wasn't going to happen because evil is allowed to live. JAKUB YOUR MOTHER IS WORRIED
Galadriel won't stand for this shit

probably just touch yourself to this photo until Friday.

it's the little things.

Go Pens.

p.s. max you look like hell please go have some work done we can't have the kids seeing you like this on your weekends

p.p.s. obviously a rough night for defense and team discipline but jesus christ we don't have to be all smart and analyze all the time we are worried about the fate of middle earth and jakub's skin condition over here


About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. Writing about the Penguins, the CWHL/women's hockey, and hockey/sports media criticism.