THE GANG’S ALL HERE

Your little brother is back from college for the first time and can’t get over how high you are all the time since you’ve been laid up on mom’s couch suffering from “emotional exhaustion.”

in other words, the Blue Jackets have come to Consol Energy Center for a Metro Division game.

Pass that blunt.

KISS OF SUCCESS 

We notice that as soon as we take a shining to some Blue Jackets thug that he suddenly becomes a team leader.  See: Derek Dorsett, now lamentably a New York Ranger, and Jared frigging Boll, who is now an alternate captain for CBJ.  Did we mention this last time we played them?  When was that again?  We don’t know.  We are going to take credit for Jared’s rising star, at least metaphysically.

MOST ARDUOUS, LEAST BEAUTIFUL

The whole game is along the boards, down low, and in the goal, basically, unless Malkin or Sid is on the ice.  Gene is flying and wants to prove to baby bro that he’s still got skills to pay the bills.  Everyone else is just surprised they’re awake.

Like many have said, it’s been hard to contemplate hockey as a game when you see a straight up assault on the ice and realize that if you do that shit on the street you go to jail.  In the NHL people tell have the gall to say that Thornton was doing his job.  Luckily, all the self-respecting Boston fans in the world realize that Thornton’s play was vicious and uncalled for, but there are people as far away as Phoenix acting like it has anything to do with The Code.

So on second thought it’s kind of a relief to see an average division game on a Monday night with a half-AHL squad.  Everyone is going to be gentle.  The great cities of Columbus and Pittsburgh shall swaddle us gently in love.

MOST CONFUSED

About eight bonghits in the Pens find themselves on the power play and give it away to the Jackets 90 times.  Of course nothing happens.  But we’re just getting started, motherfuckers.  After the run to the Dairy Mart for cigs and Cheetos.

LONGEST WE WAITED FOR LOVE

Nothing happened in the second until Jack Johnson had to shoulder the love of his life Sidney Crosby in the chest.  Everyone wept.

THEN EVGENI MALKIN TURNED FEDOR TYUTIN INTO A SMALL TRAFFIC CONE.  Off the bench and blew his load in Curtis McElhinney’s face.

~power~

good lord

Game like this, you knew it was going to have to be Gene.

1-0

then for some reason the Jackets perceived Joe Vitale as an offensive threat entering the zone and tripped him.  Did we get cookies at Dairy Mart?  Say what you will about Joe Vitale, his hustle seems to anger people.

McElhinney, Ryan Murray, and Jack Johnson keep the Penguins at bay though.  Gene sees red.  Sid wants a Crown Royal, rocks, stat.

MOMENT YOU FOUND OUT THE COMBINATION TO MOM’S WINE FRIDGE

No idea what’s going on to start the third.  Jackets are coming hard and playing like a real team.

Sill fought Tropp for some reason.  Knocked him down pretty hard.  Apparently defending Niskanen.  Sill going to the locker room for some reason.

WOO

The “WOOOO!” thing at CEC is weird and kind of reminds us of the intentional thing they do at TD Garden after goals but like ????? WOOO!

MOST COPIOUS

Dupuis throws it at the net, Maatta drives the net, along with Crosby, and it goes in off of Foligno.

Not sure who it’s going to be credited to.

no one knows what’s going on

Despres accidentally eats a dragon heart and tries to attack Mark Letestu.  How is Despres so adorable.

Matching roughing calls were assigned and then Dubinsky attacks Bortuzzo and Dubinsky gets ejected??  No idea what the penalty situation is.  Earlier goal gets credited to Crosby.

We couldn’t figure it out, but it’s actually 4 on 4.  ROOT took about a minute to throw up a clock on that.

This is just too much to keep track of.

At this point it breaks that Orpik doesn’t remember anything after anthems on Saturday night.  Fuck.  Fuck.

HIGHEST BODY COUNT

Bob Errey refers to “counting his bodies” as Kobasew goes off for a trip and we determine that Sill has, in fact, returned to the bench.  Jackets will get a PP.

Nothing happens though.

Everyone gets distracted when MAF goes for an empty net and Calvert, one of the Jackets’ best players of the night, manages to break the shutout.  Brutal.  MAF also almost scored.  He was so close.

Jackets timeout to try to tie it.  Would be typical.  At least we probably won’t lose it in 56 seconds.

Pens manage to kill the time.

Poor MAF.  Poor poor MAF.

Pens Win.  Thank god.

Can anyone explain why Jeff Zatkoff always looks THRILLED OUT OF HIS MIND when Fleury wins?  Has anyone ever looked that happy before?

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

LEAST INVOKED

we never thought we’d say these words, but the day has finally come to our little Earth that Paul Steigerwald has tired of reminding us that R.J. Umberger is from Plum.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS

1. Kris Letang – actually played a good game tonight, bless my stars

2. Dupuis – 6 shots.  We think more goals are coming from him soon.  One day.  Soon.

3. Craig Adams – giving Dad Talk to Sill in the mic’d up segment was priceless.

woooo go pens etc.

no I do my own laundry mom doesn’t do my laundry

Zoë

About Zoë

living in Boston, chronically fussy, fills recaps with references to Robert Scott's last march and literary theory among other things.

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