the killing fields

Takes a night like tonight to remind us of 2009.  Apparently Ovechkin is playing well again so the Pens-Caps are a real rivalry again.  Also, the Penguins have adopted a model of regular season success and catastrophic playoff meltdowns, so there’s even more parity between the Pens and Caps that we ever could have imagined.  This is why NBC is in our mouths tonight.  This is why I just did vinayasa yoga after eating cheap/horrible Chinese food to quell my heartbreak.

Already with the airhorn and Doc using the word “spirit” as a verb.  Let’s go.  First Caps game this season.  Can the Pens not be on NBC on Wednesday for a change ever?

ALREADY WITH THIS SHIT 

Pens take a penalty early and Pierre takes the opportunity to talk about the brilliance of Ovechkin.  Basically Craig Adams fell into a guy and it was egregious and bad.  Ovi with an early post.  Oddly undefended is Ovechkin in the left circle.

When the penalty expires, like clockwork, the Verizon Center crowd boos Crosby halfheartedly.

MOST AMERICAN 

Paul Martin takes a faceoff win back from Crosby and Pierre about shits himself that Bylsma put Crosby out after the Caps ice it.  idk we think that’s a pretty obvious move but sure Regis you deal with that.  Paul Martin flicked it towards the net.  May have gone off of Kunitz but that shot from the point was all Team USA.

pauly celebrates, but in a restrained fashion

1-0

officially getting credited to PMart in the early goings.

couldn’t even roll up my yoga mat yet this period shit has been THAT INTERESTING (not, but the goal was a nice surprise)

MOST UNDERESTIMATED 

People have been bitching about Beau Bennett not really doing a whole lot.  Malkin made him look like a genius entering the zone and Bennett made Alzner look like a pylon while the other Caps in the zone freaked out and started looking for a trailer.  Holtby made a valiant effort on the play but the shot was too damn good.

Gene looks like a proud papa

2-0

Adam Oates might be our second favorite all time Caps coach after Brucey because he looks like a Vulcan in his older age.

Shortly thereafter someone cross-checks Gibbons who is apparently only 5’8″.  Legit call on Oleksy, whose name reminds us of a SWPA wedding announcement.

Pens practically get a 3 on 1 but somehow don’t put it home.  Malkin didn’t shoot even though he was one on one with Holtby.  That would have been even more deflating than the Pens have been already!  oh no, caps.  Kunitz tripped somebody so that bit of fun is finally over.

blah blah blah

MOST APROPOS

Doc drops the “Wednesday Night Rivalry” branding shortly after an almost-breakaway by Gibbons.  YES IT’S REAL

The Pens take a penalty towards the end of the period.

MOST IMPORTANT STATISTIC

NBC whips this out at intermission in case you folks at home forgot

MOST RUB OUTS

NBC keeps saying things are being rubbed out.  it’s uncomfortable.

Olli Maata got briefly schooled by Nicklas Backstrom about five minutes into the second which was refreshing.  Those little mistakes remind us that he’s a mortal.  Then Erat took a penalty and Engelland tried to eat Oleksy.  But nothing is going to come of this.

Oddly after the penalty the games gets really interesting and the teams trade some white knuckle chances and beautiful passing.  MAF is not-so-quietly having a statement game so far.

MOST CONFUSED 

Caps take a too many men.  Oates looks despondent on the bench.

Everyone basically gets their dicks way hard for this PP.  Beautiful passing play, Malkin to Kunitz to Neal to Crosby, who drops to one knee and obliterates the buck from the left circle at a nasty, sick, disgusting angle that actually causes the game to be rated as pornographic in 27 US states.

we’re confused.  we’ve never been this aroused before.

PERIOD MOST LIKE SEX

Starts kind of slow and painful.  Everyone looks a little out of it.  The negative energy from Caps fans is probably creating a small black hole in another dimension.  Brief sounds from Caps fans when Ovechkin touches the puck.  We learn that the furniture has been moved into Sid’s house and that he might actually stop living with Lemieux soon.  The furniture will probably gather dust.  Remember Saturday Nights with Sidney Crosby anyone?

Neal snipejob as the Caps get complacent on the rush.  Serious snipejob, really.  After that someone gets upset and Kris yells at someone.

still though

Pens and Fleury roll all the way to the end.  That was strangely easy.  Pens win, 4-0.  OKAY THEN.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

WORST FACIAL EXPRESSION

please no

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS

1. Gibbons - bringing it

deep primal intimacy

2. This photo

3. Brooks Orpik because of reasons

fuck you go pens

Zoë

About Zoë

living in Boston, chronically fussy, fills recaps with references to Robert Scott's last march and literary theory among other things.

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