Oh Brother Steven and Friends, thank you for coming to visit us this chilly evening.
Jimerson drives the demons away with a phenomenal anthem and while it may be Oscars night we are here, friends, with you, to give our own special awards.
GENE HAVING NO HEADACHES OR DISORIENTATION BY THE WAY JUST SAYING
HE IS OKAY
HE COULD BE OKAY
LATE EDIT: APPARENTLY Gene does have a concussion.
please get well soon babe we love you
BEST TRIP TO THE FARM
Kunitz and Sid enter the zone as easily as visiting the farmers' market for cage free eggs.
Nate Thompson, the Egregious Elk, is on the ice at the beginning.
Anders Lindback is a mountain goat. No other explanation.
Sid takes a normal-ass pass from Kunitz and just scores on it. Very simply.
No fuss. The mountain goat retreats.
MOST THRILLING SUBPLOTS
Steiggy and Errey are enjoying saying "Anders Lindback" too much. Steiggy seems to think that Lindback may not be who he says he is, saying ""anders lindback as he refers to himself"–could it not be his real name? We could need a Sudden Death-esque scenario to solve this mystery.
Also, without Gene, Sid and Neal are on a line together.
Meanwhile, in Winnipeg, Tangradi is trying to eke out 6 minutes a night–and Errey brings this up, conspicuously, as if knowing that someone in Pittsburgh will care. Errey talking about how it's great being 6'6" but sometimes your body parts are too far apart. Lindback knows, because he kicked a puck into his own net. Goal is credited to Sid. Penguins didn't even have to touch that.
"LINDBACK'S GOTTA BE WONDERIN WHAT'S GOIN ON"
swedes don't even know
MOST LIKE MELTED BUTTER
Lecavalier gets the business from Joey V.
Fleury is everywhere, sweet-talking pucks as if over fine French cuisine.
ROOT is doing some kind of awards called The Marios in an attempt to parody the Oscars. Steiggy is shocked that anyone could watch the Oscars and not hockey. Right now we are in agreement.
Brother Steven tried to make a move but Letang treated him like a croissant. Covered.
NO BROTHER STEVEN WE DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOUR SELECTION OF BIBLES
Lindback is rolling around like dough. We'll take it.
Brother Steven turns the puck over at his own blueline. Cooke, Dupes, and Martin come charging ahead. Guess who finds it in the slot as Anders Lindback retreats up the snowy slopes:
MY COUNTRY 'TIS OF THEE
Next faceoff Joey V ensures your pregnancy from this goal is USDA certified organic by throwing it down with Adam Hall.
We seriously have never been so hot and bothered.
PERIOD THAT WILL TEST YOU THE MOST
Lightning switch goalies. Mathieu Garon city. We miss you babe. But.
Early 2nd period, Orpik makes a beautiful defensive play in Brother Steven, but it doesn't matter. Alex Killorn (one of PH Staff's personal faves) doing werk in front of the net. Puck goes in off of Brooks. Ugh.
apparently no pic of this goal because no one likes us
Then Despres takes a weird penalty. Then Craig Adams is sent to the box. It's a 5 on 3. Brother Steven is lurking with the Book of Mormon.
3-2. Could have told you that that was going to happen.
On the bright side, Bob Errey caught Gary Roberts drinking water again. He was unsure if it was Fiji or the Penguin water. Hopefully not any water that has been in contact with any actual penguins.
Did Steiggy just say that Jay Caufield used to train by pushing SUVs around parking lots? Glimmers of hope.
MOMENT OF MOST UNNECESSARY DOUBT
The Pens get a 5 on 3 around the middle of the 2nd and you would be totally unsurprised if they blew it.
except they don't. Beau Bennett gets a perfect pass from Crosby and buries it. No way he was going ot fuck that up. HOLY HELL. LATER. WE'RE CRYING. BOBO
sid is so happy
Lightning get a breakaway from the Egregious Elk but Fleury stones him.
Like the first blossoms of spring, hope breathes anew.
Crosby now tied for the lead in NHL points with Brother Steven.
Pens are balls out right now and Tanner Glass almost scores off of a feed from Vitale. We're back bitches. Hopefully.
Somehow the Penguins played a second period without getting entirely eviscerated.
THE LONGEST MARCH
winning this game would feel like defying all of our negative stereotypes.
Just play a complete game against a team that isn't playing like dog shit.
Delayed penalty, though. Some child whose name we can't spell scored. It's 4-3.
Stamkos got a point so now he's ahead of Sid. Vomit.
okay fine he's cory conacher
Fleury stoned Killorn a sequence or two later. Thank god.
We're holding our breaths for the next several minutes. Sutter hit the post and then Lecavalier appeared to try to eat Kris Letang. We were afraid.
Bob Errey also refers to Victor Hedman as "the horseless Hedman" after referring to him as a horse. So he IS a horse but doesn't HAVE a horse? So curious.
The end is still over five minutes away. Still plenty of time for Stamkos to get a natural hat trick or something.
But eventually Matt Cooke buries the empty netter.
PENS WIN 5-3 OR SOMETHING
GENTLEST, CLASSIEST CAMERA ZOOM
ROOT cameraman on Sid
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. MR. AMERICA PAUL MARTIN
2. KTang for being prettier than usual also 26+ minutes
3. Alex Killorn – went to Harvard. studied more than trees.
jesus Tampa we are so over you.