the season starts tonight, we have no lifeboats

Listen, this summer has been dark as fuck, and tonight it ends.

There's really no way we can put into words the Feelings we've been dealing with and how we really didn't even expect hockey to come back in our hearts (maybe it's the whole baseball bandwagon thing or the lingering sense of doubt from last summer when the CBA wasn't even real).  Just.  We're not ready.  We're going to have to choke on some baptismal water before we're even remotely prepared.

We still don't understand the new schedule or the new playoffs.  We're basically idiots.

Who the fuck are we in a division with again?

image

 

oh okay

makes sense

at least we get to stay on the periphery of all that Flortheast nonsense, right?  right.  the Hurricanes though.  sigh.  And the Caps.  And the looming NBC circus of our nightmares.

Anyway, the Pens themselves don't play until Thursday, so we have a short march of games that we care about less, but god damn it, we should probably watch a few of them, and try to get back into the swing of things with writing and not being shitty.

TENTATIVE SCHEDULE (SERVING SUGGESTION: WHISKEY)

TODAY: WASHINGTON CAPITALS AT CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS, 8PM, NBCSN 
This is going to be horrible, but we'd rather watch it than anything involving the Habs, which is your other option tonight at 7pm.  We're really just not ready to deal with Canada yet.  It's too early in the season for that.
ROOT FOR: The Hawks, because the Caps are now our division rivals and the Hate may not have yet bubbled in our souls for the Hawks after exorcising our demons last year.  Really the Hawks kind of have a history of exorcising our demons in recent years.  Keep a sledgehammer nearby for the first Chelsea Dagger of the season, because even if you don't want the Caps to win, that'll make the Hate breathe strong.  god

TOMORROW: TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS AT PHILADELPHIA FLYERS, 7PM, TSN, CSN PHILLY
The Flyers are basically employing a bunch of humps aside from Giroux and Lecavalier and kinda Voracek.  Tune in to the Philly broadcast to probably listen to a bunch of people talk about how Sean Couturier is the baby Jesus.  The Leafs will have played the night before.  This will be your first slow introduction to Canada.  Drink it like echinacea in your tea.  Choke and cry.
ROOT FOR: Not the Flyers.  Also, the Leafs have some goalie drama to keep you interested.  Who will start opening night?  Who will start against the Flyers?  Reimer and Bernier are both lovable options.  The Flyers do have Dear Stevey Mason who has taken his reign of terror East.  And Ray Emery.  Jesus what a mess.

WEDNESDAY: ANAHEIM DUCKS AT COLORADO AVALANCHE, 9:30PM, RDS, PRIME (WTF IS PRIME), ALTITUDE 
The other game on Wednesday is Buffalo at Detroit.  Could you really muster any amount of caring about that game?  Also, Teemu.  And we kind of adore the Avalanche aside from the whole Steve Downie thing.  GABRIEL LANDESKOG HELLO PPL
ROOT FOR: The thing you love most.

hopefully that gets you through.

Other things you should know: borntrade now does custom jerseys.  don't let being poor keep you from being happy.

Go Pens.

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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