Stormed last night in Pittsburgh and today we play the Bolts.
Root is just spazzing over the pun possibilities.
We’re going to try to avoid it, but if they total 2 goals in the game…
There’s going to have to be a striking twice joke.
So sorry in advance.
Let’s get to the awards.
MOST POWERFUL OVERLORD
Sid shows up in a suit.
BEST RESULTS WITH LEAST EFFORT
I mean, we’re not doing terribly. Just…you know. Sluggish. But then, amidst the slumbering men on skates, Dupes chips it to Morrow, who gets it towards the net. It goes through the paint and Jussi gets a foot on it, sending it into the net. Refs rule no distinct kicking motion.
Look at the happy fans behind Jussi…we were LOUD in Tampa tonight.
Then, Kennedy creates a nasty rebound for Dupes to scoop up and get into the back of the net. Suddenly it’s 2-0. We don’t look too good, but man do the Bolts look bad.
If the game ended now we could headline this PENS STRIKE LIGHTNING TWICE or LIGHTNING GETS STRUCK TWICE. Or something else less horrible.
Let’s Go Pens! is drifting around the arena. It’s a beautiful America for Pens fans.
Purcell thinks he’s a real boy.
Before the end of the first moseys around, Tanger lands the kushiest pass ever on Iginla’s stick. No one likes a soff attitude, but soff hands? They’re a beautiful thing.Gloves stuffed with down? #conspiracy
Iginla doesn’t disappoint and totally snipes it into the net.
You know that’s right.
GREATEST OPPORTUNITY FOR PUNS YET
Connolly makes it easy:
LIGHTNING STRIKES TWICE, NOT ENOUGH
When horrible puns weren’t happening, other less horrible people told the real story:
MOST HULKED OUT
Malkin is kind of back, which is awesome. We’ve missed him. We almost forget what insane animalistic shit he can get up to.
Malkin undresses everyone (and their mothers, but that’s later) and sends it home.
Shortly after Kunitz gets into some faces while battling on the boards. Malkin gets into a shovey shovey match. Engo and Cooke step in to defend their leader. It’s so bromancey up in here that it’s insane.
WAY MORE THAN THE TIP
Jussi moved to get to shot that Murray took. At first the word “tip” was used, but Murray had just been getting it past some Bolts – he got it close enough to Jussi, who sent it the rest of the 10-or-so feet it needed to go.
(Oh, hai black mouth guard, how are you today? What’s that? In my nightmares, you say?)
BEST CHERRY POPPING
Murray goes into a fight with Crombeem helmetless. His first fight for us! He gets a good number of fists in, totally ignoring Crombeen’s helmet. Then he started getting in body shots and goes after Crombeen’s hand – treats in a hockey fight. Wonderful, wonderful treats. And yes, I did just use Crombeen as many times as I could. That name.
We’ll always remember your first <3
Letang spends some time ruining lives, Gudus gets kicked out because [footage missing.] It’s a little on edge out there, and it gets scrappy. We’re up on the power play when something really special happens.
Tanner gets his first special teams goal. Bobby actually says “good for Tanner Glass!” like he is a proud father. We all feel proud. It’s just…
Brings a tear to your eye, ya know?
EASIEST TO IGNORE
The Bolts get one in in the dying stretch. Whatevs. Fuck ‘em. They just wanted to ruin the puns.
MOST PRESENT MEDIA
Overhead cam was on point tonight.
Alt three stars:
1. Tanner. Gawww.
2. Tanger. Obvs.
3. Tyler. Because this game is brought to you by the letter T.
Maybe if the Pens keep winning the cicadas won’t come back.
That’s the only way it could get better, I think.