toilet hooch in a manhattan gas station

*yawn* *stretch* how long has it been?  Since Saturday?  Is this still America?  Is this still Earth?  Are there still canned soups and mixed nuts and other fine modern conveniences?  Are they still calling it the “Metropolitan Division”?  Is it still total and complete trash?  Good, good. . .well, about the last thing anyway. 

Seems like the Pens haven’t played a lot of division games.  Maybe we just don’t notice them anymore because they are no longer interesting, like this season of Pretty Little Liars.  We literally watch them because we have to or we’ll die.

LEAST NEWS 

The beginning of the game is pretty boring.  Doc is acting on NBC like it’s all exciting bur really very little is occurring.

Then the Pens get a PP.  It is a seriously good PP with some great passing plays and good chances on Lundqvist.  And yet there is no payoff.  It’s like someone is trying to tell us something about how this just isn’t going to be our night.  Apparently we’re playing really well though.  According to the media.  We’re not saying it’s not true.  Just that we feel lethargic.

Could be the lighting in MSG.  God, the lighting in MSG is just so disgraceful.  The Rangers don’t even seem to be trying.

BASICALLY LIKE AN ADRENALINE RUSH IN YOUR FUCKING HEART 
The first truly interesting thing to happen is that a Crosby-to-Niskanen-at-the-point nifty pass ends up sitting on the goal line after squeaking through Lundqvist’s butt.  Callahan saves the day.  MUST YOU? CAN YOU STOP?

lost in all that is that MAF is still inhabiting reality with us

After that, the game vaguely starts waking up.  The people in MSG are at least waking up.  Adams hits a post which makes someone spontaneously throw a kegger in your heart.  Someone drunk at MSG might be chanting FLEURRRYYYY or BOOOORRRRING we can’t tell

MOMENT YOU STOPPED TO LOOK AT YOUR PHONE AND EVERYTHING BEGAN TO SUCK

something happened, random goal

oh god boyle looks like the creepy owls

didn’t even take a minute to recover from that.  no one paid attention.  Zuccarello sprung Stepan off of a massive turnover and it was 2-0 and tits-up-o’clock.

what the FUCK is going on with sweater and tie guy?  WHAT IS HE HOLDING AND WHY IS HE SO DIALED IN AND WHY IS HE WEARING THAT FUCKING SWEATER

2-0 really fast.  rest of the period doesn’t matter.  We don’t like to invoke cliches but that was probably the hugest WOOF of the season so far.

LITERALLY OUR ONLY CHANCE

Pens get another PP.  LOL NOPE

Shortly thereafter Brooks takes a penalty and literally eats a man in protest, or so it seems.

In this moment, we see a questionable tie choice by Bylsma.

feels like the game is going to be over at any minute.

Pens get yet another PP chance awhile after and they very clearly blow it.  Just getting more and more frustrated.

MOMENT GOD DIED YET AGAIN IN THE CESSPOOL THAT IS NEW YORK CITY 

We were long overdue for a God Death.

After the Pens screw up their PP, Rangers score a ridiculous goal off the rush.

3-0

trollgidlfdsfjdksljflf

Rangers are so stunned they didn’t suck that they give up a 2 on 1 but Lundqvist is in the business with it.

WELL, I GUESS WE GOT 5000 MORE LAST CHANCES 

Pens are given yet another PP because clearly Pittsburgh is the team all the officials are biased towards.

The Pens manage to focus their adolescent rage and Kris Letang, the adolescent rage-iest of them all, goes deep on the play after manning the top of the zone like a pro and manages to knock one home when Lundqvist is least expecting it.

and it’s 3-1.  We’re not dead.

NEVER MIND

Puck gets deflected twice past Fleury because ????????????

4-1.  MSG chanting Fleury in an intermittent, haunting fashion.

Do we really have to play the third period?

MOMENTS YOU CARED LEAST ABOUT 
Rangers start the third period with a minute of PP for some reason.  Kreider almost buries it and you are totally just pretending at this point that you don’t want to be bought a shot of tequila so you can take your aggression out on the universe before bed.

Rangers take a penalty after their power play expires because obviously they’re a classy team.  Captain Callahan interfered with Fleury.  Obviously.

PP appears to have not even actually happened.  Craig Adams and Dustin Jeffrey (who has been pooping himself all game) are out for it, of all people.  And they almost convert.  Then they imprison Joey’s flow for possibly kneeing Callahan?

god everything is bad and continues to be be bad and irritating

FUCK YOU AND YOUR WHOLE FAMILY

can we not

Pens get a late PP with like under 4 minutes left so clearly maybe we can try to lose this one 5-2 instead of 5-1.

Except we don’t, so.

Pens Lose.  Pretty bad.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MOST ROMANCE NOVEL COVER ANGUISH

Mats Zuccarello

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS

1. not the defense

2. not the forwards

3. not Dustin Jeffrey

4. creepy owls

yes, four stars

just get us to the next game.  which is apparently in St. Louis.  maybe we can get it up for that.

go pens

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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