Oh my god this game.
The Debs are impotent and sad by the time we get to the Jerz, but they are still holding this game’s two points over our head. We waaaant theeemmmm.
It’s like when the old, failed Survivor contestants get to judge the still-successful ones. This is what I gather from conversations with your mother, at least.
She loves that show.
MOST DESERVING OF A KIND SALUTATION
First,of course, we all say hello to Johan.
Please don’t stop any of our pucks tonight.
Picnic in the park if you say yes.
Once again, a rare “good Swede.” But we aren’t afraid to cut you off. Or cut you, for that matter.
MOST MANLY ADORABLE FIST BUMP
The first period spends way too long finding its legs. It has the cadence of a normal game, we guess, but it’s almost playoffssss.
Well. For the Pens.
Eventually it finds itself a little personality when Hedberg couldn’t track down the puck in front of the net and Cookie was able to shuffle it in just over the goal line. It is confusing as hell.
At first you’re not sure if it’s a goal or not but adskjfhadskj it is.
This award was ALMOST “Most adorable manly fistbump.” But let’s be honest, that fistbump is more fundamentally adorable than manly.
This may be arbitrary and strange, but goddamnit if those aren’t our middle names.
Sutter follows up by getting a NASTY chance, Johan says no. Peter Harrold’s name is floating around, which for certain reasons (refer to our middle names) is a delight to us.
MOST UNACCEPTABLY AWKWARD
Kovalchuk tries to do it all and wastes a really decent play by being a selfish bitch. Josefson is pissed. Like, openly angry. We can’t imagine that. It’s like we got invited to our friend’s house for dinner and his parents had a domestic dispute at the dinner table.
And we had to act like it’s normal.
(We swear, it’s a one time thing. Never again.)
MAF makes a save with the side of his skull, BoBo almost got one in but Hedberg pulls rank, and Gene makes us gasp before chipping the puck over the net. All in all, the hockey is alive with the sound of crunching bones and obscenities.
The hills are totes jealous.
Then, Letang gets a sweet pass to Jussi, who absolutely launches it at the net. The puck makes this insane clanking noise akin to the noises we hear in our nightmares but somehow it went over the line as it hit the post.
Both of the goals in this game so far have just barely made a case for existing, but it’s 2-0 nonetheless.
Also, for the record, there’s a moment wherein Ktang makes love to the entire Penguins bench because he quickly had to jump off the ice to avoid a too many men penalty.
Totally worth mentioning.
MOST SPECIFICALLY NOT A GENIUS
Some word are said about how excellent BoBo is. Unfortunately that sentence is uttered near a sentence that contained Lemieux’s name.
Bobby and Steiggy spend some time – too much time – an insulting amount of time – clarifying that they are NOT comparing BoBo to Lemieux.
And while we know that and agree and have no opinions to the contrary and think it is silly to even waste time on, it was just a biiiit offensive how much time they spent clarifying that.
“You didn’t even have to think about it, did you?”
Zajac (more like Za-jag, ammirite?!) has this gross turning shot that gets behind MAF. It’s offensive and, quite frankly, rude.
MAF already told us that Zajagis not being invited back to NHL cotillion.
Which MAF runs.
SLOW DESCENT INTO DARKNESS
Well, it felt slow. Really, it was this fast:
At least we know what a U-turn is.
Pens lose, 3-2
If Bob Errey has one nice thing to say about Kovalchuk, he ain’t saying it.
He sounded so stern, the whole game.
It’s adorable, but also unsettling.
ALT THREE STARS
BoBo – Seriously, though, BoBo, we love you. We hope your mom wasn’t listening to the local broadcast in Pittsburgh.
Peter Harrold – We heard your name. We’re proud of you for being on the map.
Cookie – Because our team has no depth.
Can’t even be too upset.
Never losing again.