a chemical weapon (NEWS POST)

You know those machines in like convenience stores where you push a button and an “espresso beverage” comes out?

i.e. a cocktail of sugar and death?

That is kind of how we feel about hockey lately.  It is super concentrated.  It is drinkable and (kind of) delicious.  But man is it like a kick in the teeth sometimes.

Announcements:

  • The Penguins play one game this week.  What the fuck is with that?  And it’s an 8pm “Wednesday Night Rivalry” game with the Capitals, which is the gas station French vanilla latte of hockey, basically.
  • Brandon Sutter is utterly blasé about his own nudity.  If that happened to us, we’d be like oh my god we’re mortified and shut the fuck up.  Then again, due to patriarchal society, we’d probably be shamed for appearing nude even by accident, whereas no one is going to remember this in a few days because hockey and unencumbered penises create a marriage that has been public and largely accepted for some time.
  • We are skeptical about the old adage that “you don’t have to eat ALL the Chex Mix in one sitting.”
  • Here’s your advanced stat tidbit of the day, courtesy of Jesse Marshall of faceoff-factor.com:
  • which, okay.
  • We’ve been reading a bit about advanced stats and sometimes can’t tell the difference between when they are being used properly as evidence and when someone is just trying to be upsetting.  But this in particular seems to be a legitimate statistical prediction.  The Penguins’ schedule is pretty middle of the road going forward, so they should be able to continue on at a pretty good clip, barring disasters and feelings
  • BREAKING NEWS: the Penguins have recalled Nick Drazenovic, whose name we have NEVER HEARD before this exact moment.
  • Ate too much Chex Mix.  End transmission

Go Pens etc

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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